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Parent Emeritus
"Friends"...why is it so hard to get away from them?
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<blockquote data-quote="dstc_99" data-source="post: 638529" data-attributes="member: 15473"><p>Lil,</p><p> </p><p>You are a smart woman with a smart husband and most likely a smart kid who is screwing up right now. The best you can do is make and keep healthy boundaries. Like you I chose never to go no contact with my difficult child. On the other hand I mostly waited for her to contact me. She didn't want to talk to me and I didn't have the energy to care at that point. When she called she called. When she didn't she just didn't. That was what was healthy for me. difficult child quickly learned that I wasn't going to call and beg for her love or beg for mercy from her reign of terror. LOL</p><p> </p><p>You and Jabber are chosing to maitain contact with your difficult child because it is what you feel is right. Considering he is your son I would say you both know best. difficult child needs to make these changes and there is no reason not to support him. As long as the changes are for the good then why wouldn't you. You are his parents and even though he has made you very upset you still love him. He is making the choices now and if it is a choice you support there is nothing wrong with supporting him with a ride or some clothes or a meal. None of those things are going to kill him. They don't put severe stress on you or your marriage. So why not?</p><p> </p><p>Why not----- is because either he uses your help against you or begins to demand things you aren't comfortable giving. In this case difficult child isn't doing those things at this time. Should he start then you would need to detach a little further and cut back contact and support. BUT only in a manner that is comfortable and healthy for you. In this case the main thing you are upset about is his friend following him to the shelter and him shifting the friend on to you for support. So you make it clear to difficult child not to do that again or you will be upset. Then you remind him that his friends are his issue and not yours. He needs to develop the strength to deal with them without having mommy play the meanie.</p><p> </p><p>Long story short we give a lot of advice on here. Some of it applies and some of it doesn't. Pick and chose the peices that work for you and your relationship. Keep some of those harsher responses in your memory bank should things deteriorate. You know your son better than anyone here except Jabber. You know his issues so you can take what applies and file away what doesnt.</p><p> </p><p>PS: As for the friend/friends I hope your difficult child finds a way to cut that cord soon.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="dstc_99, post: 638529, member: 15473"] Lil, You are a smart woman with a smart husband and most likely a smart kid who is screwing up right now. The best you can do is make and keep healthy boundaries. Like you I chose never to go no contact with my difficult child. On the other hand I mostly waited for her to contact me. She didn't want to talk to me and I didn't have the energy to care at that point. When she called she called. When she didn't she just didn't. That was what was healthy for me. difficult child quickly learned that I wasn't going to call and beg for her love or beg for mercy from her reign of terror. LOL You and Jabber are chosing to maitain contact with your difficult child because it is what you feel is right. Considering he is your son I would say you both know best. difficult child needs to make these changes and there is no reason not to support him. As long as the changes are for the good then why wouldn't you. You are his parents and even though he has made you very upset you still love him. He is making the choices now and if it is a choice you support there is nothing wrong with supporting him with a ride or some clothes or a meal. None of those things are going to kill him. They don't put severe stress on you or your marriage. So why not? Why not----- is because either he uses your help against you or begins to demand things you aren't comfortable giving. In this case difficult child isn't doing those things at this time. Should he start then you would need to detach a little further and cut back contact and support. BUT only in a manner that is comfortable and healthy for you. In this case the main thing you are upset about is his friend following him to the shelter and him shifting the friend on to you for support. So you make it clear to difficult child not to do that again or you will be upset. Then you remind him that his friends are his issue and not yours. He needs to develop the strength to deal with them without having mommy play the meanie. Long story short we give a lot of advice on here. Some of it applies and some of it doesn't. Pick and chose the peices that work for you and your relationship. Keep some of those harsher responses in your memory bank should things deteriorate. You know your son better than anyone here except Jabber. You know his issues so you can take what applies and file away what doesnt. PS: As for the friend/friends I hope your difficult child finds a way to cut that cord soon. [/QUOTE]
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