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Parent Emeritus
"Friends"...why is it so hard to get away from them?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 638536" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Lil, th e vasty, vast majority of us have no intention of going no contact with our kids. You are in the majority here. No contact for a while sometimes happens because THEY go no contact, often when they are steeped in drug, but they come back especially when they get into trouble. Nobody here that I know of is telling you that your son is so terrible that you should never speak to him again. I couldn't do that. Heck, I couldn't even go no contact with my extremely abusive mother...well, I didn't until it was very clear that nothing would help mend the relationship. I tried and tried and tried and it did no good. It is extremely difficult to totally cut off a loved one. I could only do it after I no longer loved the person...and that was due to years of trying to have relationships with people who did not care about ME...my mother and my sister. It is not something any of us expect you to ever do. (And, if anyone cares, I did not miss my mother in the end and no, I don't miss my sister, but I do still sometimes smile at the intermittent good talks we had. The bad outweighed the good, however). </p><p></p><p>There is an EXTREMELY big difference in setting strong, safe boundaries for yourself and cutting somebody off. It is usually only done to save yourself. You and Jabby are doing well.</p><p></p><p>Low contact with boundaries can lead to more contact and better contact. Really, my son is so much nicer to me because he WANTS contact and knows we can only speak to one another if he is as nice to me as I am to him. So we actually speak more often. Not allowing them to live with us or have our money or abuse our time/space is different from a total cut off. I have easy child adults. They don't expect much of us and have their own lives. When they call it is pleasant and friendly and very special. When we get together it is fun and rewarding. I know how it is supposed to be. I know how it CAN be. I have my easy child kids wondering why I don't cut off my son. I tell them, "I don't like a lot of what he has done to me and to you, but he is still my son and I chose to talk to him." We have acknowledged amongst ourselves that my relationship with him is not as gratifying as it is wieth them, due to his own choices, but I never lie and tell them I want no contact with him, even though I do concede he can be a jerk, which is no surprise to them. My very precious girls have chosen no contact and, especially Julie has very good reasons. Sonic remembers the 37 who actually adored him at one time and they talk when 37 remembers to contact him.</p><p></p><p>Lil, this is not a place where we discourage parents from talking to their kids. It is a safe place to find ways amongst one another to deal with our troubled adult children, some who are very mean to us and have cut US off. We have different situations, family lives, amounts of other children and personalities. We are different ages. Yes, that matters. In your 40s you are far more up to crapola than in your 60s. Been there/done that/wore the T-shirt of the 40's with a troubled grown child, the 50's with a troubled grown child (it changed) and now the 60's (I am at a point where I want peace and little conflict and that affects how I interact with 37). You have more energy and patience, I think, the younger you are. At age 61, a nd (knocking on wood) still in very good health, I want different things than I once did. And harmony is huge with me. And, no, none of you know how you will feel about your life or your troubled child as you get older.</p><p></p><p>I feel sorry for those who choose to do a dangerous, abusive dance once they hit their senior years.We earned our stripes and it's time for our grown kids to start giving back a bit to us, even if it is just being pleasant when they are in our company. Many of our difficult children think we will be around to rescue them forever. It isn't true. They need to learn how to deal with life without us as they will have many years without us.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 638536, member: 1550"] Lil, th e vasty, vast majority of us have no intention of going no contact with our kids. You are in the majority here. No contact for a while sometimes happens because THEY go no contact, often when they are steeped in drug, but they come back especially when they get into trouble. Nobody here that I know of is telling you that your son is so terrible that you should never speak to him again. I couldn't do that. Heck, I couldn't even go no contact with my extremely abusive mother...well, I didn't until it was very clear that nothing would help mend the relationship. I tried and tried and tried and it did no good. It is extremely difficult to totally cut off a loved one. I could only do it after I no longer loved the person...and that was due to years of trying to have relationships with people who did not care about ME...my mother and my sister. It is not something any of us expect you to ever do. (And, if anyone cares, I did not miss my mother in the end and no, I don't miss my sister, but I do still sometimes smile at the intermittent good talks we had. The bad outweighed the good, however). There is an EXTREMELY big difference in setting strong, safe boundaries for yourself and cutting somebody off. It is usually only done to save yourself. You and Jabby are doing well. Low contact with boundaries can lead to more contact and better contact. Really, my son is so much nicer to me because he WANTS contact and knows we can only speak to one another if he is as nice to me as I am to him. So we actually speak more often. Not allowing them to live with us or have our money or abuse our time/space is different from a total cut off. I have easy child adults. They don't expect much of us and have their own lives. When they call it is pleasant and friendly and very special. When we get together it is fun and rewarding. I know how it is supposed to be. I know how it CAN be. I have my easy child kids wondering why I don't cut off my son. I tell them, "I don't like a lot of what he has done to me and to you, but he is still my son and I chose to talk to him." We have acknowledged amongst ourselves that my relationship with him is not as gratifying as it is wieth them, due to his own choices, but I never lie and tell them I want no contact with him, even though I do concede he can be a jerk, which is no surprise to them. My very precious girls have chosen no contact and, especially Julie has very good reasons. Sonic remembers the 37 who actually adored him at one time and they talk when 37 remembers to contact him. Lil, this is not a place where we discourage parents from talking to their kids. It is a safe place to find ways amongst one another to deal with our troubled adult children, some who are very mean to us and have cut US off. We have different situations, family lives, amounts of other children and personalities. We are different ages. Yes, that matters. In your 40s you are far more up to crapola than in your 60s. Been there/done that/wore the T-shirt of the 40's with a troubled grown child, the 50's with a troubled grown child (it changed) and now the 60's (I am at a point where I want peace and little conflict and that affects how I interact with 37). You have more energy and patience, I think, the younger you are. At age 61, a nd (knocking on wood) still in very good health, I want different things than I once did. And harmony is huge with me. And, no, none of you know how you will feel about your life or your troubled child as you get older. I feel sorry for those who choose to do a dangerous, abusive dance once they hit their senior years.We earned our stripes and it's time for our grown kids to start giving back a bit to us, even if it is just being pleasant when they are in our company. Many of our difficult children think we will be around to rescue them forever. It isn't true. They need to learn how to deal with life without us as they will have many years without us. [/QUOTE]
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