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Getting nervous about Thanksgiving--how to enforce boundaries?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 639159" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I can share what I do when my autistic son does not feel he can handle a crowd any longer at holidays.</p><p></p><p>I let him disappear in his room.</p><p></p><p>The ONLY boundary I would tell him and strict enforce would be that if he starts any "fights", verbal or physical, he is gone. I'd even call the cops. So I'd ask him if he really wants to come and feels he can be pleasant the entire time. If he says "no" I'd have a second Thanksgiving at said restaurant with him and exclude him from this one. Fighting may be a way for him to get out of it anyway.</p><p></p><p>Now about his siblings: Seems they like to push his buttons and that's wrong. I would also call each sibling and tell them you are going to have a holiday WITH HARMONY and they are NOT to talk smack about their brother. If they can't control that, tell them they maybe should not come. That is as wrong as his responses.</p><p></p><p>Your house/your rules. Nobody needs to be bashing another family member under your roof. I don't blame your son for getting sick of hearing that. In my house, that would not be allowed at my table.</p><p></p><p>I stopped worrying long ago. Everyone is different. He may not enjoy family affairs. I thought I was doing my oldest kids a big favor when I dressed them up all nice and brought them to their aunt's house. She had great food, everyone in the family, presents, you name it. Now that my kids are grown up all t hree, who are very different, tell me they enjoyed the few "at home" holidays we had much more than the one at auntie's house. They had various reasons. "I don't really like to have to act a certain way." "They are too materialistic and brag about it all the time." "I just wanted to be able to be myself." "I was always afraid I'd say the wrong thing." But all three, and two were not problem children, did not like the big family gathering and Here I thought I was making great memories for them.</p><p></p><p>Your son is 17. I don't know how you can make him act like you want him to act if he doesn't want to. Honestly, this is not "tough love." This is just reality. I would just look very forward to this get together and not worry about anyone's reaction to it other t han your son. YOU seem all jazzed up and happy and that's a great thing for you. If your son does not share the same feelings, let him be himself. If he gets rude and confrontational maybe it is best for all if he is allowed to isolate. He isn't going to like his siblings who are mean to him. Why should he?</p><p></p><p>Although the fighting would upset me, and I may set a boundary about that (only come if you are not in the mood to start a fight), actually not participate in family small talk...well, I empathize with it. Sometimes I had to go to my ex's huge family on holidays. This is not his aunt. This was my sister-in-law and her enourmous, kind, welcoming Polish family (you can't beieve how warm they were). But I was not one of them and I am beyond shy and uncmofortable in certain crowds. I kept a book in my purse adn tried to find the furthest corner to hide out in. I took many bathroom breaks with my book...lol. So I get it.</p><p></p><p>It is up to you, of course, and you will get various responses, but my own advice is to let him leave when he is no longer happy being in a crowd of family and demand (yes, demand, it is your house) NO SMACK TALK. If smack talk is allowed it is only a facade of a happy family. The black sheep or bullied family member most definitely is not enjoying himself and it can't be fun to hear other bashing their sibling. That is in my opinion unacceptable.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 639159, member: 1550"] I can share what I do when my autistic son does not feel he can handle a crowd any longer at holidays. I let him disappear in his room. The ONLY boundary I would tell him and strict enforce would be that if he starts any "fights", verbal or physical, he is gone. I'd even call the cops. So I'd ask him if he really wants to come and feels he can be pleasant the entire time. If he says "no" I'd have a second Thanksgiving at said restaurant with him and exclude him from this one. Fighting may be a way for him to get out of it anyway. Now about his siblings: Seems they like to push his buttons and that's wrong. I would also call each sibling and tell them you are going to have a holiday WITH HARMONY and they are NOT to talk smack about their brother. If they can't control that, tell them they maybe should not come. That is as wrong as his responses. Your house/your rules. Nobody needs to be bashing another family member under your roof. I don't blame your son for getting sick of hearing that. In my house, that would not be allowed at my table. I stopped worrying long ago. Everyone is different. He may not enjoy family affairs. I thought I was doing my oldest kids a big favor when I dressed them up all nice and brought them to their aunt's house. She had great food, everyone in the family, presents, you name it. Now that my kids are grown up all t hree, who are very different, tell me they enjoyed the few "at home" holidays we had much more than the one at auntie's house. They had various reasons. "I don't really like to have to act a certain way." "They are too materialistic and brag about it all the time." "I just wanted to be able to be myself." "I was always afraid I'd say the wrong thing." But all three, and two were not problem children, did not like the big family gathering and Here I thought I was making great memories for them. Your son is 17. I don't know how you can make him act like you want him to act if he doesn't want to. Honestly, this is not "tough love." This is just reality. I would just look very forward to this get together and not worry about anyone's reaction to it other t han your son. YOU seem all jazzed up and happy and that's a great thing for you. If your son does not share the same feelings, let him be himself. If he gets rude and confrontational maybe it is best for all if he is allowed to isolate. He isn't going to like his siblings who are mean to him. Why should he? Although the fighting would upset me, and I may set a boundary about that (only come if you are not in the mood to start a fight), actually not participate in family small talk...well, I empathize with it. Sometimes I had to go to my ex's huge family on holidays. This is not his aunt. This was my sister-in-law and her enourmous, kind, welcoming Polish family (you can't beieve how warm they were). But I was not one of them and I am beyond shy and uncmofortable in certain crowds. I kept a book in my purse adn tried to find the furthest corner to hide out in. I took many bathroom breaks with my book...lol. So I get it. It is up to you, of course, and you will get various responses, but my own advice is to let him leave when he is no longer happy being in a crowd of family and demand (yes, demand, it is your house) NO SMACK TALK. If smack talk is allowed it is only a facade of a happy family. The black sheep or bullied family member most definitely is not enjoying himself and it can't be fun to hear other bashing their sibling. That is in my opinion unacceptable. [/QUOTE]
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Getting nervous about Thanksgiving--how to enforce boundaries?
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