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Gfg32 update --Should I send him an email?
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 621608" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>SS, the subject line on your difficult child's email to his grandmother sounded like the worst things he could think of to write. </p><p>Outrageous things. Things that would really hurt you if he did them so....make me not do them by giving me what I want. </p><p></p><p>I want to write him back...no difficult child, we want you to have a life, get a job, start taking care of yourself and get the help you need to do it. <strong>That's </strong>what we want you to do. Will you, difficult child? Because once we see and believe that you are very serious about doing those things, not the things you wrote to us, then there is another chance for us to be a real part of your life and do what families do, which is support and encourage each other----and yes, maybe even help in measured doses----someone who is doing most of the heavy lifting on his life himself. That is what I want to tell him, SS. </p><p></p><p>Like I told my son a couple of weeks ago---standing in the parking lot of the day shelter----if you continue to threaten suicide I will call the police every single time, and there will be no discussion about it except that. </p><p></p><p>And there might come a day when we will be willing to help you---that will be after lots and lots of time has passed, and we see and we believe and we are convinced that you are sincere, you are not using drugs, you are taking responsibility and you are doing the hard work, consistently over time. And don't ask me how much time---it will be weeks and months and maybe even years---and we will decide how much time and how much we need to see. </p><p></p><p>And you are completely on your own, your dirty bloody clothes, your next meal, where you lay your head at night, your RX, whatever it is about your life, it is up to you. You and nobody else. </p><p></p><p>I was mad, SS. I was fed up. I wasn't yelling, but I was talking very directly and I told him not to interrupt me. I was talking fast, and the words were just flowing out of me. I was done. </p><p></p><p>I had gotten to the point when I finally realized I had to spell it out because being nice and being subtle and not stating my truth was just resulting in more and more ramped up behavior. </p><p></p><p>So I stood there, and it hurt me to say those things, and later I retraced my words and my tone and I didn't know how harsh I sounded and I worried about that a bit, but then SS, I had to let it go. And now, with a couple of weeks behind me, having said all of that, things are different. </p><p></p><p>Be careful what you wish for---you just might get it. I wished for distance and space and no harassment and him doing whatever he is going to do without involving me every minute of every day, and SS, that is happening. I hear from him via FB message every three to five or six days and he writes short sentences and his tone is different and he isn't asking me for things.</p><p></p><p>I don't know where he eats, where he sleeps, where he is and what he is doing. And I am not asking, SS, because the evidence is that <strong>something</strong> is different. And different is good, at least for me. I can only pray to God that somehow, someway, something is happening differently for him and maybe that will be good or at least better than it has been. Maybe. </p><p></p><p>Because I know, SS, I know that nothing else I have done up until now has helped him. He is no better off than he was four years ago---in fact he is worse. I can't change anything else so I HAVE to change myself and what I do. <strong>That is all I can change</strong>. I am letting him go more and more, and SS it is hard, but I am okay and I am doing it. </p><p></p><p>One day at a time. I can only do this one day at a time and I can change my mind at any time, SS. It's too hard to do it any other way, but it is getting a bit easier. Today, I only need or want to know that he is just alive. That is enough for me, and then I can move on with my life. That is so different, SS. I used to HAVE to know so much more or I would go nuts. </p><p></p><p>Oh, that we would be able to stop reacting to the things they come up with, SS. And that in doing that, we are creating a new space, a new place and some time for them to claim their own lives and make them better. That is my hope for all of us in dealing with our precious difficult child adult children.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 621608, member: 17542"] SS, the subject line on your difficult child's email to his grandmother sounded like the worst things he could think of to write. Outrageous things. Things that would really hurt you if he did them so....make me not do them by giving me what I want. I want to write him back...no difficult child, we want you to have a life, get a job, start taking care of yourself and get the help you need to do it. [B]That's [/B]what we want you to do. Will you, difficult child? Because once we see and believe that you are very serious about doing those things, not the things you wrote to us, then there is another chance for us to be a real part of your life and do what families do, which is support and encourage each other----and yes, maybe even help in measured doses----someone who is doing most of the heavy lifting on his life himself. That is what I want to tell him, SS. Like I told my son a couple of weeks ago---standing in the parking lot of the day shelter----if you continue to threaten suicide I will call the police every single time, and there will be no discussion about it except that. And there might come a day when we will be willing to help you---that will be after lots and lots of time has passed, and we see and we believe and we are convinced that you are sincere, you are not using drugs, you are taking responsibility and you are doing the hard work, consistently over time. And don't ask me how much time---it will be weeks and months and maybe even years---and we will decide how much time and how much we need to see. And you are completely on your own, your dirty bloody clothes, your next meal, where you lay your head at night, your RX, whatever it is about your life, it is up to you. You and nobody else. I was mad, SS. I was fed up. I wasn't yelling, but I was talking very directly and I told him not to interrupt me. I was talking fast, and the words were just flowing out of me. I was done. I had gotten to the point when I finally realized I had to spell it out because being nice and being subtle and not stating my truth was just resulting in more and more ramped up behavior. So I stood there, and it hurt me to say those things, and later I retraced my words and my tone and I didn't know how harsh I sounded and I worried about that a bit, but then SS, I had to let it go. And now, with a couple of weeks behind me, having said all of that, things are different. Be careful what you wish for---you just might get it. I wished for distance and space and no harassment and him doing whatever he is going to do without involving me every minute of every day, and SS, that is happening. I hear from him via FB message every three to five or six days and he writes short sentences and his tone is different and he isn't asking me for things. I don't know where he eats, where he sleeps, where he is and what he is doing. And I am not asking, SS, because the evidence is that [B]something[/B] is different. And different is good, at least for me. I can only pray to God that somehow, someway, something is happening differently for him and maybe that will be good or at least better than it has been. Maybe. Because I know, SS, I know that nothing else I have done up until now has helped him. He is no better off than he was four years ago---in fact he is worse. I can't change anything else so I HAVE to change myself and what I do. [B]That is all I can change[/B]. I am letting him go more and more, and SS it is hard, but I am okay and I am doing it. One day at a time. I can only do this one day at a time and I can change my mind at any time, SS. It's too hard to do it any other way, but it is getting a bit easier. Today, I only need or want to know that he is just alive. That is enough for me, and then I can move on with my life. That is so different, SS. I used to HAVE to know so much more or I would go nuts. Oh, that we would be able to stop reacting to the things they come up with, SS. And that in doing that, we are creating a new space, a new place and some time for them to claim their own lives and make them better. That is my hope for all of us in dealing with our precious difficult child adult children. [/QUOTE]
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