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Family of Origin
Good article on how to stop being family scapegoat...Confused, Cedar, you may like it too.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 653700" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Joel Osteen was so helpful to me in restructuring internal perceptions of self.</p><p></p><p>Just as there is such a thing as global condemnation, there is global healing, that simple phrase that covers so much.</p><p></p><p>I am not religious in the traditional sense, but I find much of value in Joel Osteen's writings and in his sermons, too.</p><p></p><p>Brene Brown, with her certainty that each of us is born hardwired for challenge was extremely helpful to me, as well. Her quote from one of the Presidents about being bloodied and ridiculed and maybe, even losing, but having fought for our beliefs and our selves ~ I loved that, too.</p><p></p><p>Self Esteem, by McKay/Fanning.</p><p></p><p>Verbal Abuse by Patricia Evans.</p><p></p><p>Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I want everything to look right. In my childhood, things got very bad very fast when things did not look and feel just right. Very scary, to me. I wonder whether I even cared whether things really were alright, as long as they were safe. So, part of my own recovery is coming alive to wonderful things that are real.</p><p></p><p>Very nice, to feel the world expanding this way, so much of it undeniably safe, as I learn to carry "safe" within me.</p><p></p><p>Or "home".</p><p></p><p>Or "mother".</p><p></p><p>Or "sister" for that matter.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, this is so sadly true. I remember when one of us posted to me about how pointless it would be to try to understand "why" when even professionals had not been able to do that.</p><p></p><p>That is how I concluded, and I mean it too, that "why" cannot matter. I am not going to find the magic that will fix this for us.</p><p></p><p>It is sad. But the other way wasn't working either. It never really did work. I just refused to believe they meant it.</p><p></p><p>They mean it.</p><p></p><p>It is better to know.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think that is where my resolution to be kinder ~ not kind, which is a kind of judgment call, but kinder, which is a conscious, effortful thing ~ I think that is when I began to not tolerate the rottenness of these crummy people.</p><p></p><p>ROAR</p><p></p><p>F you, mom.</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/mcsmiley1.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":mcsmiley1:" title="mcsmiley1 :mcsmiley1:" data-shortname=":mcsmiley1:" /></p><p></p><p>Seriously.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I know, and isn't that sad. I still don't get the win in it for them.</p><p></p><p>Lately though, I don't let myself give it head room. Why doesn't matter, and people don't change.</p><p></p><p>I know that one of us here on the site posts that she believes there were certain things wrong with the way she was thinking or experiencing her life, and that she tried very hard to identify and work to see differently, and so she was able to change.</p><p></p><p>But in my secret heart I believe this poster was absolutely healthy, and was twisted into the unhealthy concoction of emotions required to balance the sickness in her family of origin.</p><p></p><p>It only seems normal to us because we did not know any other way to be.</p><p></p><p>Here is the thing: If that person had really been the things her family accused and really, almost relished calling her? And if it were true?</p><p></p><p>How could she have seen from a different perspective to know that whatever the "win" was in her behavior, there was a better way?</p><p></p><p>She couldn't.</p><p></p><p>Just as the sociopaths or whatever it is that is the matter with some of our family members cannot see beyond whatever it is that motivates them to do what they do.</p><p></p><p>So, that thing for this beloved poster to do is bless herself and thank her lucky stars that the sick one turned out not to be her, at all.</p><p></p><p>Maybe that is true for me, too.</p><p></p><p>I hope so, with all my heart.</p><p></p><p>It is lonely to be who we are, against the wishes of our enmeshed families. They are intimately acquainted with how to get us to believe whatever they need us to believe about ourselves.</p><p></p><p>That sets us up for easy victimization in the other areas of our lives. Predators scent that stuff the way sharks scent blood in the water.</p><p></p><p>I just don't get the win.</p><p></p><p>So I never have to take them seriously, ever again. All you have to tell a predator is the truth. The whole chimera of a game falls apart, when you do.</p><p></p><p>It's not even a win, given that what <em>you </em>were playing for was trust over time.</p><p></p><p>Whatever. Reltionships with predators turn out never to have been what we think we miss so fiercely once they make their so blatant moves and we finally admit to ourselves that it pretty much is what it looks like.</p><p></p><p>Ew.</p><p></p><p>It turns out we were the ones who made everything seem so magical, in the first place. </p><p></p><p>Not to sound too corny.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh, very true.</p><p></p><p>Very enjoyable, to do that.</p><p></p><p>The thing is, those negative internal messages are killers. They become very obvious, and then, we really do have to work through them. There is a reason we believed what we did about ourselves. </p><p></p><p>If any of this were simple or easy, we would have thrown the bums out long ago.</p><p></p><p>I meant we would have learned how to love our families of origin differently long ago.</p><p></p><p>Ahem.</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/mcsmiley1.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":mcsmiley1:" title="mcsmiley1 :mcsmiley1:" data-shortname=":mcsmiley1:" /></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Isn't that something. That we have been trained not to feel the joy of living in our own skin, of breathing fresh air?</p><p></p><p>I don't know that we could break a cycle for someone else.</p><p></p><p>We can tell our stories here, and take courage to face our own private demons from one another.</p><p></p><p>Works for me, f you mom.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/mcsmiley1.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":mcsmiley1:" title="mcsmiley1 :mcsmiley1:" data-shortname=":mcsmiley1:" /></p><p></p><p>Great article, SOT. Thanks for posting.</p><p></p><p>I found it very meaningful.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 653700, member: 17461"] Joel Osteen was so helpful to me in restructuring internal perceptions of self. Just as there is such a thing as global condemnation, there is global healing, that simple phrase that covers so much. I am not religious in the traditional sense, but I find much of value in Joel Osteen's writings and in his sermons, too. Brene Brown, with her certainty that each of us is born hardwired for challenge was extremely helpful to me, as well. Her quote from one of the Presidents about being bloodied and ridiculed and maybe, even losing, but having fought for our beliefs and our selves ~ I loved that, too. Self Esteem, by McKay/Fanning. Verbal Abuse by Patricia Evans. Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now I want everything to look right. In my childhood, things got very bad very fast when things did not look and feel just right. Very scary, to me. I wonder whether I even cared whether things really were alright, as long as they were safe. So, part of my own recovery is coming alive to wonderful things that are real. Very nice, to feel the world expanding this way, so much of it undeniably safe, as I learn to carry "safe" within me. Or "home". Or "mother". Or "sister" for that matter. Yes, this is so sadly true. I remember when one of us posted to me about how pointless it would be to try to understand "why" when even professionals had not been able to do that. That is how I concluded, and I mean it too, that "why" cannot matter. I am not going to find the magic that will fix this for us. It is sad. But the other way wasn't working either. It never really did work. I just refused to believe they meant it. They mean it. It is better to know. I think that is where my resolution to be kinder ~ not kind, which is a kind of judgment call, but kinder, which is a conscious, effortful thing ~ I think that is when I began to not tolerate the rottenness of these crummy people. ROAR F you, mom. :mcsmiley1: Seriously. I know, and isn't that sad. I still don't get the win in it for them. Lately though, I don't let myself give it head room. Why doesn't matter, and people don't change. I know that one of us here on the site posts that she believes there were certain things wrong with the way she was thinking or experiencing her life, and that she tried very hard to identify and work to see differently, and so she was able to change. But in my secret heart I believe this poster was absolutely healthy, and was twisted into the unhealthy concoction of emotions required to balance the sickness in her family of origin. It only seems normal to us because we did not know any other way to be. Here is the thing: If that person had really been the things her family accused and really, almost relished calling her? And if it were true? How could she have seen from a different perspective to know that whatever the "win" was in her behavior, there was a better way? She couldn't. Just as the sociopaths or whatever it is that is the matter with some of our family members cannot see beyond whatever it is that motivates them to do what they do. So, that thing for this beloved poster to do is bless herself and thank her lucky stars that the sick one turned out not to be her, at all. Maybe that is true for me, too. I hope so, with all my heart. It is lonely to be who we are, against the wishes of our enmeshed families. They are intimately acquainted with how to get us to believe whatever they need us to believe about ourselves. That sets us up for easy victimization in the other areas of our lives. Predators scent that stuff the way sharks scent blood in the water. I just don't get the win. So I never have to take them seriously, ever again. All you have to tell a predator is the truth. The whole chimera of a game falls apart, when you do. It's not even a win, given that what [I]you [/I]were playing for was trust over time. Whatever. Reltionships with predators turn out never to have been what we think we miss so fiercely once they make their so blatant moves and we finally admit to ourselves that it pretty much is what it looks like. Ew. It turns out we were the ones who made everything seem so magical, in the first place. Not to sound too corny. Oh, very true. Very enjoyable, to do that. The thing is, those negative internal messages are killers. They become very obvious, and then, we really do have to work through them. There is a reason we believed what we did about ourselves. If any of this were simple or easy, we would have thrown the bums out long ago. I meant we would have learned how to love our families of origin differently long ago. Ahem. :mcsmiley1: Isn't that something. That we have been trained not to feel the joy of living in our own skin, of breathing fresh air? I don't know that we could break a cycle for someone else. We can tell our stories here, and take courage to face our own private demons from one another. Works for me, f you mom. :O) :mcsmiley1: Great article, SOT. Thanks for posting. I found it very meaningful. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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Good article on how to stop being family scapegoat...Confused, Cedar, you may like it too.
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