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Family of Origin
Good article on how to stop being family scapegoat...Confused, Cedar, you may like it too.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 653910" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Confused, you did such a good job, I decided to do a personal inventory just like you did, even if nobody cares. LOL. It's for me, nobody else.</p><p></p><p></p><ol> <li data-xf-list-type="ol">Recognize that feelings of shame, guilt and self blame belong to the perpetrators, not you as target. You are simply a dumping ground for their bad feelings. To change this you need to start standing up to the notion that you are at fault. You will likely have to begin with yourself, learning to question and reject seeing yourself as ‘bad’. (I never feel "bad" anymore unless I am brought into contact with them and that will be never one day).</li> </ol><p></p><ol> <li data-xf-list-type="ol">Get to know your true self. Identify exceptions to the negative stereotype you have been saddled with. In other words, pinpoint what is good, likeable or at least adequate about you - your character, values, actions, etc. Write down your good traits – you will need to be reminded of this alternate universe, which is the truth about you, especially if you start to fall back into the habit of feeling bad about yourself again. Understand that getting better – and feeling better - is a learning curve, and you may slip a few times before you gain solid footing</li> </ol><p></p><ol> <li data-xf-list-type="ol">Figure out what you might be doing – consciously or unconsciously – that gives scapegoaters the idea that it’s OK to abuse you. Determine how to change any behavior that draws you into the Victim role. (<em><strong>I have mood disorder not otherwise specified and the haters stupidly believe my illness is me.And it is stupid. I can't counter their ignorance nor do I care. I also speak up about the favoritism, divide and conquer and sainted mother's horrific abuse against me. That is a no-no. But I won't be silenced again. Ever. Nor am I good with either sibling doing NOTHING to try to get mother to quit doing it. I guess they believed her stories, because they never asked for my side. They were like the kid who watches the bully beat up the little guy and jus stands by looking because "I don't want to get involved." I have little respect for people like that. They didn't have to help out, but they could have and they chose not to and they did know what was going on. I have always felt funny toward them becuse they allowed her abuse without uttering a word to her. It's finally out in the open. I think they were both either in denial or cowards.)</strong></em></li> </ol><p></p><ol> <li data-xf-list-type="ol">Stop trying to win the favor of abusive and uncaring family members, co-workers or ‘friends’. Anyone who engages in this type of inappropriate behavior has personality problems, especially a parent who did not love their child.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ol">Don’t expect abusive family members to apologize or make amends. They will likely blame you more if you attempt to hold them accountable. (LOL. Like they would ever say it was them and not me.)</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ol"><br /> </li> <li data-xf-list-type="ol">Start asserting your right to be treated respectfully with family and other people who try and abuse you. E.G., “The way you just spoke to me now is not acceptable, and I never want to be talked to like that again”, or “If you want to have a relationship with me, you will stop the angry outbursts, name calling, accusations, etc.” Know that you may not be heard or respected by aggressive people. The point is that you hear and respect yourself! Don’t do this until you are ready to follow through with your commitment to yourself.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ol"><br /> </li> <li data-xf-list-type="ol">Accept that you may never have a healthy relationship with your scapegoater(s). This may involve limited or no contact with those who are determined to continue to abuse you. You may experience feelings of grief. Work through the painful feelings, and get support if needed. This pain is much less harmful than continuing to allow yourself to be abused by anyone. (This is my new work on and for myself and I will triumph).</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ol"><br /> </li> <li data-xf-list-type="ol">Get in the habit of treating yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, appreciation and acceptance. Practice viewing yourself as a person of worth and lovability. This will likely feel weird at first as it is unfamiliar. But even though it is unfamiliar, treating yourself in a loving manner is never wrong. (No, it's a good thing)</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ol"><br /> </li> <li data-xf-list-type="ol">Understand that it will take time to learn how to love and appreciate yourself. You have been trained to be overly self critical and may believe you are defective. Be patient as this false image gradually crumbles. Get counselling to help you overcome this painful legacy, and find your true self - the strong, valuable person you are meant to be.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ol">Practice what you preach with others… Break the cycle (I broke the cycle in my loving family. I spent my life trying to help people from giving things to the poor and homeless, to fostering and adopting children, to helping animals, to listening to sad stories, to volunteering widely in the communities I've lived in. I like myself. There are things I don't like about myself and I can work on them. But nobody is going to make me doubt I'm a good person again. Ever. What have THEY done for anyone but themselves lately?"</li> </ol><p>Ok, so the numbers got screwed up...lol. Today I am happy and proud of myself. It was my therapists ideas to write down all my good points and put them beside my bad points. This is an excellent exercise to do when you doubt your good heart that, in the back of your mind, you know you have. But somebody or somebodies are telling you you are bad. Who are they to tell you what you are? What are their credentials? How much do they know your heart? More than that, what particular education do they have to tell you that you have a particular diagnosis, which is often done by our smug abusers? We get too hurt by the diagnoses of Dr. Janitor, Dr. Teacher, Dr. Streetcleaner, Dr. Lawyer, Dr. Chef, Dr. Artist, Dr. Hotdog Vendor, Dr. Unemployed, Dr. Retired...let's be honest. Nobody but a trained psychiatrist who has known you for a decent amount of time can diagnose you. Why let these unqualified people tell you what you are?</p><p></p><p>I'm firing Dr. Doolittle. Let him talk to the aniamls <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 653910, member: 1550"] Confused, you did such a good job, I decided to do a personal inventory just like you did, even if nobody cares. LOL. It's for me, nobody else. [LIST=1] [*]Recognize that feelings of shame, guilt and self blame belong to the perpetrators, not you as target. You are simply a dumping ground for their bad feelings. To change this you need to start standing up to the notion that you are at fault. You will likely have to begin with yourself, learning to question and reject seeing yourself as ‘bad’. (I never feel "bad" anymore unless I am brought into contact with them and that will be never one day). [/LIST] [LIST=1] [*]Get to know your true self. Identify exceptions to the negative stereotype you have been saddled with. In other words, pinpoint what is good, likeable or at least adequate about you - your character, values, actions, etc. Write down your good traits – you will need to be reminded of this alternate universe, which is the truth about you, especially if you start to fall back into the habit of feeling bad about yourself again. Understand that getting better – and feeling better - is a learning curve, and you may slip a few times before you gain solid footing [/LIST] [LIST=1] [*]Figure out what you might be doing – consciously or unconsciously – that gives scapegoaters the idea that it’s OK to abuse you. Determine how to change any behavior that draws you into the Victim role. ([I][B]I have mood disorder not otherwise specified and the haters stupidly believe my illness is me.And it is stupid. I can't counter their ignorance nor do I care. I also speak up about the favoritism, divide and conquer and sainted mother's horrific abuse against me. That is a no-no. But I won't be silenced again. Ever. Nor am I good with either sibling doing NOTHING to try to get mother to quit doing it. I guess they believed her stories, because they never asked for my side. They were like the kid who watches the bully beat up the little guy and jus stands by looking because "I don't want to get involved." I have little respect for people like that. They didn't have to help out, but they could have and they chose not to and they did know what was going on. I have always felt funny toward them becuse they allowed her abuse without uttering a word to her. It's finally out in the open. I think they were both either in denial or cowards.)[/B][/I] [/LIST] [LIST=1] [*]Stop trying to win the favor of abusive and uncaring family members, co-workers or ‘friends’. Anyone who engages in this type of inappropriate behavior has personality problems, especially a parent who did not love their child. [*]Don’t expect abusive family members to apologize or make amends. They will likely blame you more if you attempt to hold them accountable. (LOL. Like they would ever say it was them and not me.) [*] [*]Start asserting your right to be treated respectfully with family and other people who try and abuse you. E.G., “The way you just spoke to me now is not acceptable, and I never want to be talked to like that again”, or “If you want to have a relationship with me, you will stop the angry outbursts, name calling, accusations, etc.” Know that you may not be heard or respected by aggressive people. The point is that you hear and respect yourself! Don’t do this until you are ready to follow through with your commitment to yourself. [*] [*]Accept that you may never have a healthy relationship with your scapegoater(s). This may involve limited or no contact with those who are determined to continue to abuse you. You may experience feelings of grief. Work through the painful feelings, and get support if needed. This pain is much less harmful than continuing to allow yourself to be abused by anyone. (This is my new work on and for myself and I will triumph). [*] [*]Get in the habit of treating yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, appreciation and acceptance. Practice viewing yourself as a person of worth and lovability. This will likely feel weird at first as it is unfamiliar. But even though it is unfamiliar, treating yourself in a loving manner is never wrong. (No, it's a good thing) [*] [*]Understand that it will take time to learn how to love and appreciate yourself. You have been trained to be overly self critical and may believe you are defective. Be patient as this false image gradually crumbles. Get counselling to help you overcome this painful legacy, and find your true self - the strong, valuable person you are meant to be. [*]Practice what you preach with others… Break the cycle (I broke the cycle in my loving family. I spent my life trying to help people from giving things to the poor and homeless, to fostering and adopting children, to helping animals, to listening to sad stories, to volunteering widely in the communities I've lived in. I like myself. There are things I don't like about myself and I can work on them. But nobody is going to make me doubt I'm a good person again. Ever. What have THEY done for anyone but themselves lately?" [/LIST] Ok, so the numbers got screwed up...lol. Today I am happy and proud of myself. It was my therapists ideas to write down all my good points and put them beside my bad points. This is an excellent exercise to do when you doubt your good heart that, in the back of your mind, you know you have. But somebody or somebodies are telling you you are bad. Who are they to tell you what you are? What are their credentials? How much do they know your heart? More than that, what particular education do they have to tell you that you have a particular diagnosis, which is often done by our smug abusers? We get too hurt by the diagnoses of Dr. Janitor, Dr. Teacher, Dr. Streetcleaner, Dr. Lawyer, Dr. Chef, Dr. Artist, Dr. Hotdog Vendor, Dr. Unemployed, Dr. Retired...let's be honest. Nobody but a trained psychiatrist who has known you for a decent amount of time can diagnose you. Why let these unqualified people tell you what you are? I'm firing Dr. Doolittle. Let him talk to the aniamls ;) [/QUOTE]
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Family of Origin
Good article on how to stop being family scapegoat...Confused, Cedar, you may like it too.
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