Grandma and Grandpa....BIG Enablers! Wont Listen!

[rosepress]

It hasn't even been a week yet, and my son called his dad's mom to come pick him up at a friends house the other morning. Obviously he was there all night partying, didn't feel like taking BiState, or ride his bike(He no longer has his car-drove it to the ground). She calls me up to ask for permission to pick him up, I told her NOT to do it. I said, "Does he want to be driven to Treatment? Is he at church and needs a ride home?"...NO, you are picking him up from a night of doing drugs and you are asking me if you should do it?" She picked him up, only because she said she thought she could knock some sense in him. She then called me "crying" because she said he was very angry and didn't get no where with him.

I understand her crying. My son has always been her favorite..he was the first grandchild, he always showed her love, is good looking and always wanted to "show him off"....I asked her, "how's that working out?" She admitted to my husband that she don't know if she could say no next time he calls her. What good is she doing for us? My husband is furious with her. In the mean time, his grandpa lets him take showers at his house and lets him "visit"....are you guys ready for this one? Hope your sitting down...his grandpa smokes weed himself..but is a recreational smoker, maybe a few times a month. Has all his life. He LETS our son smoke in his house but realizes that our son has a drug problem but thinks his other issues contribute to his problems, not just the weed in general. He has always thought weed is HARMLESS. They always say that children of parents who do drugs end up doing drugs, not true, my husband does not do drugs. HIs dad has had a stroke, left him without use of one arm, is retired and don't do anything but sit and watch TV and my son has said time and time again that he does not want to end up like him. He told his dad how he feels and told him to NOT let him in his home to take a shower, sleep or anything. I told my husband that his parents are sabatoging our efforts and he will never turn his life around.

To add more drama and stress, I hate to get mad at his mom because we believe she is having early signs of loosing her memory and this whole situation had made her worse. I am going to be on the phone with her doctor today discussing what options and tests they are going to do with her. I take care of my hubby's father too, take him to the doctor and shopping and clean his house. I feel like telling him I will cut him off if he don't stop enabling my son. I'm so sick about the whole deal. I wake up sometimes and wish we were on a reality series! At least then, while I am loosing my own mind, I could make some money and pay off my many bills!!! Oh I can imagine how many people would tune in every week for our TRAINWRECK!

 

[rosepress]

Please don't think I am taking my sons addiction lightly, I just sometimes have to use humor to make me sometimes laugh or else I would be crying all the time. This is very difficult for me. I lost an older brother to suicide. He had Bipolar. My son does not. When asked if he ever thinks about taking his life, he answers, "No, I love myself, its everybody else I can't stand."

 

[BusynMember]

Just remember this: You can not control what other people do. They will get tired of him too if he doesn't shape up. Until then, stick to YOUR guns and continue to refuse to let him home unless he shapes up. If Gran and Grandpa want to enable him and support him while he self-destricts, at least he is giving THEM grief, not you. I would put a large distance between yourself and them. But don't waste time wringing your hands over it. You can't do anything about it. I think you should try Narc-Anon. It may not work for everyone, but I found answers there, especially about letting go of trying to control other people and moving on with my own life. You may as well try it. Nobody will even make you speak. But you can listen to the message, which is largely what I said. It is easier to go through a trauma, I think, if you don't feel like you are doing it alone.
Hugsssss, Pam

 

[Hopeless]

I feel your pain. been there done that as my difficult child grandparents thought it was all US. That was several years ago and put a huge distance between me and my parents/siblings. I have learned I cannot control what my parents think or do with my difficult child. It took many a few years to understand that.

 

[DDD]

Our situation was reversed as husband and I raised easy child/difficult child. Although we did not have to send him on his way we absolutely did have rules. His bioMom just didn't get it. She would actually come pick him up from our house and take him to buy more weed/booze/whatever.

As others have said you can not control others. Your house...your rules. Other people's houses...not so easy. Chances are his grandparents are devestated and confused and frightened that as their lives diminish their precious grandson is falling off the path. It's all so sad for everyone...except the difficult child's. Sigh. DDD

 

[rosepress]

wow...you guys hit it on the head..of course you did, you guys know more than me right now, but I am learning FAST. Before I even read your replies, his grandpa called his dad and told him how FRUSTRATED he was with our son. He is lazy, always stoned and leaving his home a mess and refuses to look for work...HELLO? We have been trying to tell both his grandma and granpa, but like one of you dear people said, we think THEY think its ALL US. Soon, his grandpa will kick him to the curb, but we realize now that we cant control anyone else house, only ours, and it is totally off limits to him, until he decides to change, it may be weeks, it may be years, and may be not at all...but we have done all we could, its up to him. Footnote about my youngest son....he is THRIVING since his brother is no longer living with us. Praise Jesus.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Footnote about my youngest son....he is THRIVING since his brother is no longer living with us

Those are the things that help make the difficult choices easier to live with. It isn't just about your difficult child, it's about the rest of the family too. And while we (parents) tend to take way more punishment than we "should", we can't expect that of our other child(ren).

 

[scent of cedar]

Footnote about my youngest son....he is THRIVING since his brother is no longer living with us. Praise Jesus.

Whenever our oldest would be gone for a time ~ whether she ran away or was in treatment, our youngest would bloom. When oldest would come home again, our youngest was always so angry, demanding to know why we let oldest come back. It wasn't so long until we lost youngest, too. People would tell us, then, to let oldest walk those paths she was choosing, and to concentrate on youngest. We just couldn't do that. Oldest caused chaos and grief, moved in and moved out. Youngest was lost in the shuffle.

Concentrate on loving and raising and validating your youngest child. Help him or her to understand that children who are doing the right things are cherished, too.

Barbara