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hanging on to serenity
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<blockquote data-quote="ScentofCedar" data-source="post: 92125" data-attributes="member: 3353"><p>Golden Guru?</p><p></p><p>I don't remember what I meant, exactly! We have been crazy busy around here, and I haven't had a chance to post. What I think I meant is that old thing about how we interpret a thing making that interpretation the reality ~ whatever is really happening, we believe we have a handle on the thing once we stop questioning what it was we saw.</p><p></p><p>I see Stand's changing understanding of her child's situation.</p><p></p><p>That is how it was with me, too.</p><p></p><p>I literally could not stop thinking of my son as an infant or a very young, innocent child in danger. I believe it was my sense of guilt at having failed to protect him that solidified that perception of reality for me.</p><p></p><p>It was very, very real. The feelings of compulsive, almost overwhelming panic felt very real, too. I would do anything, try anything, read anything, talk to anyone (you guys have NO idea the places I went trying to find answers!).</p><p></p><p>I don't know where I would be today without having found this site. Other parents who have been through it, the similarities in the behavior patterns between their addicted children and my own ~ eventually, that began to sink in, and I could consider that perhaps, just maybe perhaps almost...what had happened to my son was neither my fault nor even, my responsibility in any way.</p><p></p><p>Once I had that first, faint glimmering of another reality, a different perception of the same set of facts, I could see that I HAD raised my son well.</p><p></p><p>I understood this true thing: My son was raised better than to do what he was doing.</p><p></p><p>All at once, the world shifted.</p><p></p><p>None of us wants to be trapped in that horrible place where we search desperately for the answer to how we can save our children.</p><p></p><p>My healing, my recovery, began when I first began entertaining a different perception of reality than the one in which I was the mother and therefore, responsible for what was happening to my child.</p><p></p><p>It was a small step from that first shift in perception to realizing that not only was I not almost criminally deficient as a parent (based on what was happening to my child) but that my child had defied me, had destroyed everything I taught him, to do what he was doing.</p><p></p><p>Now?</p><p></p><p>I love my son with all my heart. I miss him every single day.</p><p></p><p>But I am also angry with him for destroying the boy I devoted my life to raising.</p><p></p><p>It's a strange place to be, but I am getting stronger and stronger, every day.</p><p></p><p>I am grieving, but I am no longer paying penance for some horrible something, some awful lack or whatever it was that resulted in my son following the self-destructive path he has chosen.</p><p></p><p>Same situation, but I see myself and my potential to effect change differently.</p><p></p><p>So, maybe that is what I meant?</p><p></p><p> :rofl:</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="ScentofCedar, post: 92125, member: 3353"] Golden Guru? I don't remember what I meant, exactly! We have been crazy busy around here, and I haven't had a chance to post. What I think I meant is that old thing about how we interpret a thing making that interpretation the reality ~ whatever is really happening, we believe we have a handle on the thing once we stop questioning what it was we saw. I see Stand's changing understanding of her child's situation. That is how it was with me, too. I literally could not stop thinking of my son as an infant or a very young, innocent child in danger. I believe it was my sense of guilt at having failed to protect him that solidified that perception of reality for me. It was very, very real. The feelings of compulsive, almost overwhelming panic felt very real, too. I would do anything, try anything, read anything, talk to anyone (you guys have NO idea the places I went trying to find answers!). I don't know where I would be today without having found this site. Other parents who have been through it, the similarities in the behavior patterns between their addicted children and my own ~ eventually, that began to sink in, and I could consider that perhaps, just maybe perhaps almost...what had happened to my son was neither my fault nor even, my responsibility in any way. Once I had that first, faint glimmering of another reality, a different perception of the same set of facts, I could see that I HAD raised my son well. I understood this true thing: My son was raised better than to do what he was doing. All at once, the world shifted. None of us wants to be trapped in that horrible place where we search desperately for the answer to how we can save our children. My healing, my recovery, began when I first began entertaining a different perception of reality than the one in which I was the mother and therefore, responsible for what was happening to my child. It was a small step from that first shift in perception to realizing that not only was I not almost criminally deficient as a parent (based on what was happening to my child) but that my child had defied me, had destroyed everything I taught him, to do what he was doing. Now? I love my son with all my heart. I miss him every single day. But I am also angry with him for destroying the boy I devoted my life to raising. It's a strange place to be, but I am getting stronger and stronger, every day. I am grieving, but I am no longer paying penance for some horrible something, some awful lack or whatever it was that resulted in my son following the self-destructive path he has chosen. Same situation, but I see myself and my potential to effect change differently. So, maybe that is what I meant? [img]:rofl:[/img] Barbara [/QUOTE]
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