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hanging on to serenity
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<blockquote data-quote="ScentofCedar" data-source="post: 92909" data-attributes="member: 3353"><p>That is the horror of addiction. Just like Golden Guru said has happened to her brother in law so many times, when our addicted loved ones are without drugs long enough to see what they have been up to, they are as appalled, and as sincerely filled with regret at how they have hurt, not only us, but themselves, as we have been, all slong.</p><p></p><p>But whatever we understand, we cannot help them, because helping only helps them to use.</p><p></p><p>We have to step back.</p><p></p><p>There is no cure for addiction.</p><p></p><p>There is no medicine that will help.</p><p></p><p>Even if my son were to turn himself around this instant, what he has lost ~ the family events he was not there for, the education he did not receive, the wife he did not marry and the children he did not have ~ all those things and more, are gone forever.</p><p></p><p>No attorney Stands, unless you will not be able to look yourself in the eye in the mirror in the morning without hiring one.</p><p></p><p>We spent so much money trying to help our son. Nothing helped, of course ~ but now, after everything is said and done, we have the small comfort of KNOWING we did everything we knew to do.</p><p></p><p>I think that is when we change, Stands. When we have been down that same path with our children so many times that we CAN turn away without hating ourselves for it.</p><p></p><p>That is the line we walk, I think.</p><p></p><p>Not whether the child needs our help ~ of course they need money and cars and a place to live and legal assistance and food. Addicted people very seldom provide these things for themselves.</p><p></p><p>The question for us, I think, is when we can stop helping without detesting ourselves for it.</p><p></p><p>Then, we are free in a way we have not been since the person we love became addicted.</p><p></p><p>We are free to say no with a clear conscience.</p><p></p><p>It took me a really long time to get there, too.</p><p></p><p>But boy, once you do get there?</p><p></p><p>It's simple.</p><p></p><p>So simple.</p><p></p><p>What you will find happens next is that your child will get his needs met elsewhere.</p><p></p><p>Usually with people you never really believed existed anywhere but on television.</p><p></p><p>So, we have to learn to be very strong, every day, Stands.</p><p></p><p>We have to learn not to despise ourselves for not helping.</p><p></p><p>And we have to learn not to despise our children for not being able to help themselves.</p><p></p><p>And that's really tough.</p><p></p><p>There were times (and there still are some) when I hated my son for what he did, for who he became.</p><p></p><p>But I love him, after all.</p><p></p><p>It's very sad.</p><p></p><p>But it's so much better than it was when I was defenseless.</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="ScentofCedar, post: 92909, member: 3353"] That is the horror of addiction. Just like Golden Guru said has happened to her brother in law so many times, when our addicted loved ones are without drugs long enough to see what they have been up to, they are as appalled, and as sincerely filled with regret at how they have hurt, not only us, but themselves, as we have been, all slong. But whatever we understand, we cannot help them, because helping only helps them to use. We have to step back. There is no cure for addiction. There is no medicine that will help. Even if my son were to turn himself around this instant, what he has lost ~ the family events he was not there for, the education he did not receive, the wife he did not marry and the children he did not have ~ all those things and more, are gone forever. No attorney Stands, unless you will not be able to look yourself in the eye in the mirror in the morning without hiring one. We spent so much money trying to help our son. Nothing helped, of course ~ but now, after everything is said and done, we have the small comfort of KNOWING we did everything we knew to do. I think that is when we change, Stands. When we have been down that same path with our children so many times that we CAN turn away without hating ourselves for it. That is the line we walk, I think. Not whether the child needs our help ~ of course they need money and cars and a place to live and legal assistance and food. Addicted people very seldom provide these things for themselves. The question for us, I think, is when we can stop helping without detesting ourselves for it. Then, we are free in a way we have not been since the person we love became addicted. We are free to say no with a clear conscience. It took me a really long time to get there, too. But boy, once you do get there? It's simple. So simple. What you will find happens next is that your child will get his needs met elsewhere. Usually with people you never really believed existed anywhere but on television. So, we have to learn to be very strong, every day, Stands. We have to learn not to despise ourselves for not helping. And we have to learn not to despise our children for not being able to help themselves. And that's really tough. There were times (and there still are some) when I hated my son for what he did, for who he became. But I love him, after all. It's very sad. But it's so much better than it was when I was defenseless. Barbara [/QUOTE]
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