Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Hardest day of my life
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 737657" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hello D and welcome to our little corner. I am so sorry for your need to be here, but glad you found us. How difficult this is with a grand baby involved. I have three grands from one of my wayward daughters. It is tough to see them go through this, too. It puts an extra hurt to it all. </p><p>I am sorry, this is difficult to stand by and watch unfold. Many of us have found that by housing our wayward adult children, they do not grow, and regress further into whatever it is they are in to. As hard as it is, you are doing the right thing by standing your ground.</p><p> I could wear the t-shirt for this one. Except, that many times, when my two were in dire straights, we ended up allowing them to come back to try to help them get on their feet. Rearranged house and home, only to have them continue as is and end up stealing from us, and everything else that comes with a drugging, partying mind frame. It took some time for us to realize what was going on, and to change our direction.</p><p> Couch surfing, sigh. I don't know how many bridges my two have burned. I imagine a lot.This is hard stuff, D, but you are absolutely doing the right thing in allowing your daughter to live with the consequences of her choices.</p><p> Although this is so difficult to witness, you sound strong and clear with your boundaries. It is a heart wrenching thing to see our adult children flounder, for sure.</p><p> I feel that the more we tried to rescue our two, the more they were able to "party". There is a great article on detachment here:</p><p><a href="https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#ixzz4NPcnawgD" target="_blank">http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#ixzz4NPcnawgD</a></p><p>It helps to reaffirm decisions to keep strong boundaries, as painful as it is. Posting here helps, it is a comfort to know we are not alone on this journey. I am guessing your daughter is abusing substances? If so, reading up on addiction helps, building up your toolbox to handle whatever come what may. If you have belief in a higher power, prayer helps, if not, meditation.</p><p>You are correct that we are not able to save them. They will do as they please.</p><p>We have no control over another adult, especially our own. My two tried everything under the sun, to keep me enmeshed, feeling guilty and desperate. When I would not cave, they went no contact.</p><p>I am shocked at how my two live, to continue their lifestyle. Homeless, living in a park. One recently incarcerated. They have gone way beyond my vision of rock bottom. This is not how I imagined they would be living, <em>but it is what it is</em>. Accepting that is the work I have cut out for me, for my own sanity.</p><p>This is not on my timeline, it is on theirs.</p><p>They have their path, and I have my own.</p><p>I have found that being mindful of my own self care is imperative to walking this journey. It is so easy to get caught up and entangled in the choices our beloveds make, and the consequences, synchronistically emotionally and physically <em>floundering in our own way, along with them.</em></p><p>What we wish for them, is to make <em>better choices,</em> think about their future, take good care of their health and over all wellbeing.</p><p>Self care.</p><p>Many have written here, and I felt the same at one point, that it was impossible to find peace and joy, while our kids are out there <em>suffering.</em> There is no sacrifice<em> we </em>can make of our own lives, that will change things for our adult children. They will continue to choose as they do. Many a sleepless night I have spent, over the drama and chaos surrounding my two, and it was just another Tuesday for them. I have gone through many a heart wrenching ordeal, felt dismayed and desperate, suffered anxiety, shortness of breath and heart palpitations. I was living on edge. Functioning, but the sadness of it all had it's grip on me.</p><p>So, I decided to grab my life back.</p><p>It is way too much for me to handle alone. </p><p> I gave my two back to God, feeling they were just on loan to me as I raised them.</p><p> Then, I worked at being the change I wish to see in my two.</p><p>That takes constant effort, and mindfulness. Prayer, daily walks and exercise, really helps. Working in my garden, volunteering, setting goals, getting out on the water, finding joy in each day, understanding life is short, counting my blessings and trying as much as I am able to live the best rest of my life.</p><p>That is what <em>I have control over</em>.</p><p>Yes, I do have my ups and downs, but I am getting better at staying away from the edge of the "rabbit hole", rather than diving head first into it.</p><p>It has been a long time for me, dealing with this.</p><p>It is not to say it will be the same for you and your daughter. By your setting and keeping to strong boundaries, hopefully, this will help her to see that she is the captain of her own ship, and that there is a way to steer away from the storms she creates for herself.</p><p>In the meantime, <em>be a good captain of your ship. It makes no sense for us to follow our beloveds into the storm and become shipwrecked over their choosing</em>. Continue to fortify yourself and prepare your ship for the journey. Work hard and be diligent towards your own well being and self care. This is not selfish, it is what we want most for our wayward adult children. Be the change, you wish for your daughter.</p><p>If you find yourself floundering, get help. It is a grieving we go through, recognizing this and being mindful of our own feelings, ups and downs, is so very important. Take time for yourself. Be kind to yourself and vigilant towards self care.</p><p>Most of all, know that you are not alone. There are many here who have sailed this journey. We go through stormy seas, and help one another through rough patches.</p><p>While I have been through this for many years now, I still hold out hope that my two will one day find their true potential. I just know that it is not up to me to change their course, it is up to them. In the meantime, I try my best to steer clear of holding out any expectations. Life just.....happens.</p><p>I am glad you have found us, but sorry for your need to be here. You have come to a good place where there is support and comfort, strength, advice and encouragement. None of us are counselors or experts, just ordinary folks who have worked hard to survive some difficult circumstances.</p><p>I don't want to just survive. I want to thrive.</p><p>Life is too short to live on the edge of my twos choices.</p><p>Painful it is, but there are ways to steer through it. </p><p>You can do this. </p><p>We can do this.</p><p>Welcome, D. You are not alone.</p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 737657, member: 19522"] Hello D and welcome to our little corner. I am so sorry for your need to be here, but glad you found us. How difficult this is with a grand baby involved. I have three grands from one of my wayward daughters. It is tough to see them go through this, too. It puts an extra hurt to it all. I am sorry, this is difficult to stand by and watch unfold. Many of us have found that by housing our wayward adult children, they do not grow, and regress further into whatever it is they are in to. As hard as it is, you are doing the right thing by standing your ground. I could wear the t-shirt for this one. Except, that many times, when my two were in dire straights, we ended up allowing them to come back to try to help them get on their feet. Rearranged house and home, only to have them continue as is and end up stealing from us, and everything else that comes with a drugging, partying mind frame. It took some time for us to realize what was going on, and to change our direction. Couch surfing, sigh. I don't know how many bridges my two have burned. I imagine a lot.This is hard stuff, D, but you are absolutely doing the right thing in allowing your daughter to live with the consequences of her choices. Although this is so difficult to witness, you sound strong and clear with your boundaries. It is a heart wrenching thing to see our adult children flounder, for sure. I feel that the more we tried to rescue our two, the more they were able to "party". There is a great article on detachment here: [URL='https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#ixzz4NPcnawgD']http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#ixzz4NPcnawgD[/URL] It helps to reaffirm decisions to keep strong boundaries, as painful as it is. Posting here helps, it is a comfort to know we are not alone on this journey. I am guessing your daughter is abusing substances? If so, reading up on addiction helps, building up your toolbox to handle whatever come what may. If you have belief in a higher power, prayer helps, if not, meditation. You are correct that we are not able to save them. They will do as they please. We have no control over another adult, especially our own. My two tried everything under the sun, to keep me enmeshed, feeling guilty and desperate. When I would not cave, they went no contact. I am shocked at how my two live, to continue their lifestyle. Homeless, living in a park. One recently incarcerated. They have gone way beyond my vision of rock bottom. This is not how I imagined they would be living, [I]but it is what it is[/I]. Accepting that is the work I have cut out for me, for my own sanity. This is not on my timeline, it is on theirs. They have their path, and I have my own. I have found that being mindful of my own self care is imperative to walking this journey. It is so easy to get caught up and entangled in the choices our beloveds make, and the consequences, synchronistically emotionally and physically [I]floundering in our own way, along with them.[/I] What we wish for them, is to make [I]better choices,[/I] think about their future, take good care of their health and over all wellbeing. Self care. Many have written here, and I felt the same at one point, that it was impossible to find peace and joy, while our kids are out there [I]suffering.[/I] There is no sacrifice[I] we [/I]can make of our own lives, that will change things for our adult children. They will continue to choose as they do. Many a sleepless night I have spent, over the drama and chaos surrounding my two, and it was just another Tuesday for them. I have gone through many a heart wrenching ordeal, felt dismayed and desperate, suffered anxiety, shortness of breath and heart palpitations. I was living on edge. Functioning, but the sadness of it all had it's grip on me. So, I decided to grab my life back. It is way too much for me to handle alone. I gave my two back to God, feeling they were just on loan to me as I raised them. Then, I worked at being the change I wish to see in my two. That takes constant effort, and mindfulness. Prayer, daily walks and exercise, really helps. Working in my garden, volunteering, setting goals, getting out on the water, finding joy in each day, understanding life is short, counting my blessings and trying as much as I am able to live the best rest of my life. That is what [I]I have control over[/I]. Yes, I do have my ups and downs, but I am getting better at staying away from the edge of the "rabbit hole", rather than diving head first into it. It has been a long time for me, dealing with this. It is not to say it will be the same for you and your daughter. By your setting and keeping to strong boundaries, hopefully, this will help her to see that she is the captain of her own ship, and that there is a way to steer away from the storms she creates for herself. In the meantime, [I]be a good captain of your ship. It makes no sense for us to follow our beloveds into the storm and become shipwrecked over their choosing[/I]. Continue to fortify yourself and prepare your ship for the journey. Work hard and be diligent towards your own well being and self care. This is not selfish, it is what we want most for our wayward adult children. Be the change, you wish for your daughter. If you find yourself floundering, get help. It is a grieving we go through, recognizing this and being mindful of our own feelings, ups and downs, is so very important. Take time for yourself. Be kind to yourself and vigilant towards self care. Most of all, know that you are not alone. There are many here who have sailed this journey. We go through stormy seas, and help one another through rough patches. While I have been through this for many years now, I still hold out hope that my two will one day find their true potential. I just know that it is not up to me to change their course, it is up to them. In the meantime, I try my best to steer clear of holding out any expectations. Life just.....happens. I am glad you have found us, but sorry for your need to be here. You have come to a good place where there is support and comfort, strength, advice and encouragement. None of us are counselors or experts, just ordinary folks who have worked hard to survive some difficult circumstances. I don't want to just survive. I want to thrive. Life is too short to live on the edge of my twos choices. Painful it is, but there are ways to steer through it. You can do this. We can do this. Welcome, D. You are not alone. (((HUGS))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Hardest day of my life
Top