I am coming to believe that I have betrayed myself, or more to the point, I have not measured up.
It may be that I did my best, but I want to support my son and I want to be there for him. I threw him out of the property to make a point, to set a limit. He needed the protection of that apartment, and he needed my support.
He cannot do better than that, or he would have. But I recognize I could not do better either, or I would have.
But I can grow. I can do better.
He can too. But the question is this: will adversity change him or will support?
It is not only will that determines a perso'ns choices and life path. It is capacity. And few can do it alone.
I did. But I did at great cost, Maybe I was not strong enough to seek real support. I don't know.
My son still is not responding.
I am wanting to cede. I think that M's willingness to take responsibility by living with my son at the apartment, is a blessing.
My son may not accept this, because it is too accountable. But I am thinking that I need to offer this.
I am seeing that this is what I want. I may not be capable of this, that is clear. But I can grow into it.
The lack of boundaries, the lack of confidence that I can negotiate, that I can communicate in an effective way...all of those lacks are in me.
I feel a deep shame that I could not be there for my son. That I was not big enough.
For now, there is nothing to do. I did text my son a couple of times, and it is radio silence.
Oh. How hard this is for me.
