Nomad, they dont teach us about attachment disorder, which is incredibly common with adopted kids and very resistant to treatment. This happens in a case such as your friend's daughter who had no one primary caregiver in her infancy. She had one caregiver after another and who knows if any even picked her up or cared for her?
Yes attachment disorder can and does happen even very young. Infants need at least one stable person to care for them so the infant learns to bond. Yes, the ability to bond is learned. Or never learned. That is why orphanage kids do so badly as a rule and why many adopted kids are ruined before we get a chance with them!!
My BFF and sister in true spirit adopted two unrelated babies at age six months of age both. One had been with one loving caregiver only. The other had been in tnree homes, screamed from Day One and never recovered.
She could not settle down, hug (unless she wanted something) or not physically attack somebody and she was just a toddler. Nothing worked to stop her. Put her in a room and she would kick the door until there was a hole etc at age two.
The whole family was on edge. She had six other extremely kind and well behaved kids, including two that were also adopted.
Then my dear friend and sister was diagnosed with stage lV cancer. She was not at all well and getting chemo. This child never slept. She screamed all night. Although her husband helped tons and tons, he worked early mornings pretty far away so it was a mess.
The child finally tried to choke her same age sibling. The screams woke the house. Now this child had not been formally adopted yet, like the other ones. A date had been set but with the cancer diagnosis and the choking attempt they decided not to adopt her.
The last they heard she had been in four homes, burning out the families at age four. They all planned to adopt her but nobody did. Eventually cancer took my friend. This little girl haunted her to the end. She knew she couldnt handle her yet she never stopped feeling badly about not adopting her. She hadbeen very angry at DCFS for not helping them get her good help and not telling them about her temperment and drug exposure before they brought her home.
The other two adopted girls are doing great and are also best friends, always doing stuff together, at least as of when when I had FB. They are both in college/working now and close to their four brothers too. My friend never lived to see this though. Sad.
I digress...
I think drugs, alcohol and attachment disorder are the three big problems with adopted kids. Of course not all have issues. But too many do.
The system really needs to be changed. Its horrible for the kids and their very loving parents. They are not forthcoming in many cases.
