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He wants to try again...
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 738798" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I want to tell you that I know how much this hurts, and why you are driven to help, and how lost and desperate you feel. You feel this way because of your great love for your son and wanting to do whatever it is that will make him treasure himself, protect his life and health and live productively in the way you know will give him dignity and well being. We would do anything to get them to see, that they can change their behaviors, and thereby their lives.</p><p></p><p>The horror for us is that not one thing works that we do. Because we have not any control. The depth of our love, our unceasing efforts, do not one thing to help them. Because it is their own efforts, their own motivation, their own thinking that will get them out of their ruts. And sometimes they do not ever change. And that is the most terrifying thing of all.</p><p></p><p>And if you are like me, you will not dwell in this place. Because it is to accept that ones own life is over. It is really like a death. Of self. Because if you are a mother like I am, my son was a dream fulfilled.</p><p></p><p>Only, when he became an adult he was unable to fulfill any longer my fantasies and needs. He had to live from his own.</p><p></p><p>And his own were not the same as mine. His were demons.</p><p></p><p>And so it felt as if my life became inhabited by demons. Too.</p><p></p><p>So. What do we do?</p><p></p><p>We grieve.</p><p></p><p>And we change.</p><p></p><p>And sometimes for a long time, we both grieve and change. And we recognize that this is okay.</p><p></p><p>That is what this site is for. For all of us to grieve and change together.</p><p></p><p>I think I might have said already on this thread that for the first few years here I thought it was about doing things right and better, so that my son would change and get better. Well. That did not work out so good.</p><p></p><p>I did everything in my power to get him to change, to help him change, to motivate him to change. And guess what? He got worse.</p><p></p><p>And what's worse, I got worse.</p><p></p><p>Now. Some people here will say that I am exaggerating and being hard on myself, but I will tell you how it is true.</p><p></p><p>I got worse because the longer I allowed his self-destructive, self-centered, self-indulgent behavior to determine what my life would be, my life was colored by this very negative cycle. If it was the beginning of the month when he had money, he would behave arrogantly and be dominant. He was boss. If it was the end of the month and he did not have money for a time he acted humble, in order to extract what favor he could get.</p><p></p><p>I should be embarrassed to tell you how long we endured this. And how many times we would begin again each cycle believing that the power and the responsibility to make this work, was our own. And I should be embarrassed to tell you how many months I allowed myself to believe he was getting better, only because I wanted to believe it, and I overlooked every sign of reality, to continue with my fantasy.</p><p></p><p>In your case, you are one step ahead of me. A big step. Because you are clear about your son. There is no illusion about his life.</p><p></p><p>But like I was, you still believe against hope, it seems, that there is a role for you. As if even your pain, and suffering, and angst, could protect him. I would have taken on, and did, anything, that my son get better. It did not work. I had to accept that it never would.</p><p></p><p>It is not that they cannot change. It is that we cannot change them or get them to change. We can only change us. And they may change themselves.</p><p></p><p>I am very despairing about my own son. But if I look at it one way. There has never been more hope. Because I have stepped out of the way.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 738798, member: 18958"] I want to tell you that I know how much this hurts, and why you are driven to help, and how lost and desperate you feel. You feel this way because of your great love for your son and wanting to do whatever it is that will make him treasure himself, protect his life and health and live productively in the way you know will give him dignity and well being. We would do anything to get them to see, that they can change their behaviors, and thereby their lives. The horror for us is that not one thing works that we do. Because we have not any control. The depth of our love, our unceasing efforts, do not one thing to help them. Because it is their own efforts, their own motivation, their own thinking that will get them out of their ruts. And sometimes they do not ever change. And that is the most terrifying thing of all. And if you are like me, you will not dwell in this place. Because it is to accept that ones own life is over. It is really like a death. Of self. Because if you are a mother like I am, my son was a dream fulfilled. Only, when he became an adult he was unable to fulfill any longer my fantasies and needs. He had to live from his own. And his own were not the same as mine. His were demons. And so it felt as if my life became inhabited by demons. Too. So. What do we do? We grieve. And we change. And sometimes for a long time, we both grieve and change. And we recognize that this is okay. That is what this site is for. For all of us to grieve and change together. I think I might have said already on this thread that for the first few years here I thought it was about doing things right and better, so that my son would change and get better. Well. That did not work out so good. I did everything in my power to get him to change, to help him change, to motivate him to change. And guess what? He got worse. And what's worse, I got worse. Now. Some people here will say that I am exaggerating and being hard on myself, but I will tell you how it is true. I got worse because the longer I allowed his self-destructive, self-centered, self-indulgent behavior to determine what my life would be, my life was colored by this very negative cycle. If it was the beginning of the month when he had money, he would behave arrogantly and be dominant. He was boss. If it was the end of the month and he did not have money for a time he acted humble, in order to extract what favor he could get. I should be embarrassed to tell you how long we endured this. And how many times we would begin again each cycle believing that the power and the responsibility to make this work, was our own. And I should be embarrassed to tell you how many months I allowed myself to believe he was getting better, only because I wanted to believe it, and I overlooked every sign of reality, to continue with my fantasy. In your case, you are one step ahead of me. A big step. Because you are clear about your son. There is no illusion about his life. But like I was, you still believe against hope, it seems, that there is a role for you. As if even your pain, and suffering, and angst, could protect him. I would have taken on, and did, anything, that my son get better. It did not work. I had to accept that it never would. It is not that they cannot change. It is that we cannot change them or get them to change. We can only change us. And they may change themselves. I am very despairing about my own son. But if I look at it one way. There has never been more hope. Because I have stepped out of the way. [/QUOTE]
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