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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 625241" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Yes. You get tired of it all. Just sick and tired. And once that happens, you start to look for a way to change. That is a very good day, when that happens. I started feeling that way when my son went to college. He was still living at home for that first semester. He sang a good song. I had no idea he was flunking out. When we got his grades, which he tried to hide for a while. I was shell-shocked. They were beyond mediocre. They were terrible. Ds and Fs. Oh, he had a good story to tell, but I believe for the first time, I took a close hard look at him. In high school, I had somehow allowed my contempt for the weakness of the instruction, and the over-focus on sports, to contribute to the "free pass" I gave him and they gave him. The school just didn't focus enough on academics. He was bored. A bunch of bs, I told myself. College was different. It was him. And I was ready to stop being the helicopter parent. He was 19. Time for him to launch. But he was so far from launching. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes. I was ready to stop being his everyday mom. I say it that way because I wanted to be his mom, but not to the point of getting him up for school, asking every single question in an attempt to make sure he was doing the right things, and that I knew what was going on, to overwatch, overcorrect, overfix, and overinstruct. I had been doing that for years! I was ready to be done. So grow up, already! I remember my mother telling me that, well, he just wasn't there yet and some people grow up later. I said hogwash! I'm ready, so get to it! I had no idea he was an addict. And truly, what that would come to mean. This, just six years ago. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I'm just now---over the past year, getting this. Abuse is texting me nearly 265+ times in one day, in a relentless attempt to get Mommy to react. It's insidious abuse. It's not hitting me and even cursing me out, although this last time when I dropped him off at the laundromat at 3 a.m. after he pounded on my door after getting out from jail, he said F___ Y___ when he got out of the car. I didn't care at that point. I was furious and I had just told him off. Just the coming to the door after I had asked him to, pounding on the door in the middle of the night, that is abuse. </p><p></p><p>And it is a desperate attempt to get somebody to do it for him. That's what I taught him. I would do it for him, save him from the consequences of his own making. Just sit in it long enough and Mommy will try to fix it. At the very least, she will give you lots of attention for it. It's negative attention, but it's still attention. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is a very good statement. A very good question. When we act the worst, we know it. And we lose a piece of ourselves. Even in the depths of his addiction, he is doing things and saying things that demean himself even more. The life he has led is at some of the lowest levels. The things he has done and the things he has said. Not just to me, but also to me, his own mother. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>If we keep on doing this, we are killing them. We have to learn to stop. We are smothering them as surely as we put a pillow to their faces. Doing it in the name of love, but still doing it. It is wrong to do this to any human being. Knowing we can do something is at the base of our own self-respect. When we take that away from someone, we are doing the most harm. We didn't cause this mental illness, but we are contributing to the helplessness and creating more of it. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, my difficult child likes attention of any kind. Even negative attention. He can keep you twisted up for hours with his circular conversation (a hallmark of addiction). He dodges and weaves and turns any conversation into something you don't even recognize. My ex-husband used to do that to the point that I basically stopped talking to him about anything of substance. It turned into a boxing match. Yard work or fixing something around the house was a nightmare, just to talk about it. I started fixing it myself, doing it myself or paying to have it done. I no longer allowed him to be a man. I couldn't take it anymore. I started doing that years before I realized he was an alcoholic and all that came after that. I lost all respect for this person who couldn't not only handle, but even discuss, the smallest problem without flying off the handle and making it about a million other things. </p><p></p><p>You just get tired. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I believe they do. But like a moth drawn to a flame, they can't let go. They both hate us for it and they are addicted to our doing it for them. It is ugly. We draw them to us by our enabling behavior. </p><p></p><p>And we have to break the link. We have to snap it. We have to say, no more. It's so painful for us and for them, but it is the greatest love. You're a grown man. It's way past time you start doing for yourself. Start now. And guess what? It's going to be ugly. It's not going to be anything pretty or on a logical path. They don't know how to do it. They have to learn things other people learned a long time ago. So get ready for ugly.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 625241, member: 17542"] Yes. You get tired of it all. Just sick and tired. And once that happens, you start to look for a way to change. That is a very good day, when that happens. I started feeling that way when my son went to college. He was still living at home for that first semester. He sang a good song. I had no idea he was flunking out. When we got his grades, which he tried to hide for a while. I was shell-shocked. They were beyond mediocre. They were terrible. Ds and Fs. Oh, he had a good story to tell, but I believe for the first time, I took a close hard look at him. In high school, I had somehow allowed my contempt for the weakness of the instruction, and the over-focus on sports, to contribute to the "free pass" I gave him and they gave him. The school just didn't focus enough on academics. He was bored. A bunch of bs, I told myself. College was different. It was him. And I was ready to stop being the helicopter parent. He was 19. Time for him to launch. But he was so far from launching. Yes. I was ready to stop being his everyday mom. I say it that way because I wanted to be his mom, but not to the point of getting him up for school, asking every single question in an attempt to make sure he was doing the right things, and that I knew what was going on, to overwatch, overcorrect, overfix, and overinstruct. I had been doing that for years! I was ready to be done. So grow up, already! I remember my mother telling me that, well, he just wasn't there yet and some people grow up later. I said hogwash! I'm ready, so get to it! I had no idea he was an addict. And truly, what that would come to mean. This, just six years ago. I'm just now---over the past year, getting this. Abuse is texting me nearly 265+ times in one day, in a relentless attempt to get Mommy to react. It's insidious abuse. It's not hitting me and even cursing me out, although this last time when I dropped him off at the laundromat at 3 a.m. after he pounded on my door after getting out from jail, he said F___ Y___ when he got out of the car. I didn't care at that point. I was furious and I had just told him off. Just the coming to the door after I had asked him to, pounding on the door in the middle of the night, that is abuse. And it is a desperate attempt to get somebody to do it for him. That's what I taught him. I would do it for him, save him from the consequences of his own making. Just sit in it long enough and Mommy will try to fix it. At the very least, she will give you lots of attention for it. It's negative attention, but it's still attention. This is a very good statement. A very good question. When we act the worst, we know it. And we lose a piece of ourselves. Even in the depths of his addiction, he is doing things and saying things that demean himself even more. The life he has led is at some of the lowest levels. The things he has done and the things he has said. Not just to me, but also to me, his own mother. If we keep on doing this, we are killing them. We have to learn to stop. We are smothering them as surely as we put a pillow to their faces. Doing it in the name of love, but still doing it. It is wrong to do this to any human being. Knowing we can do something is at the base of our own self-respect. When we take that away from someone, we are doing the most harm. We didn't cause this mental illness, but we are contributing to the helplessness and creating more of it. Yes, my difficult child likes attention of any kind. Even negative attention. He can keep you twisted up for hours with his circular conversation (a hallmark of addiction). He dodges and weaves and turns any conversation into something you don't even recognize. My ex-husband used to do that to the point that I basically stopped talking to him about anything of substance. It turned into a boxing match. Yard work or fixing something around the house was a nightmare, just to talk about it. I started fixing it myself, doing it myself or paying to have it done. I no longer allowed him to be a man. I couldn't take it anymore. I started doing that years before I realized he was an alcoholic and all that came after that. I lost all respect for this person who couldn't not only handle, but even discuss, the smallest problem without flying off the handle and making it about a million other things. You just get tired. I believe they do. But like a moth drawn to a flame, they can't let go. They both hate us for it and they are addicted to our doing it for them. It is ugly. We draw them to us by our enabling behavior. And we have to break the link. We have to snap it. We have to say, no more. It's so painful for us and for them, but it is the greatest love. You're a grown man. It's way past time you start doing for yourself. Start now. And guess what? It's going to be ugly. It's not going to be anything pretty or on a logical path. They don't know how to do it. They have to learn things other people learned a long time ago. So get ready for ugly. [/QUOTE]
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