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He was fired today
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 625242" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>I am just starting to do this, Cedar. I have been so full of anger and resentment, I have been like an atom bomb with all of the energy tamped down and pushed down and submerged for so long. If I opened my mouth, what would I say? I didn't even know. I had and still have so much to say. I can destroy him even more with my words. And I didn't want to do that---so I continued destroying myself inside. </p><p></p><p></p><p>And then I started telling the truth to my sponsor. I started writing it down. Here and on my computer. I talked here about the one time I typed for over an hour as fast as I could type. I poured it all out and down on paper. I cried the entire time I was typing. It was a huge step forward for me. I read it later, all of it, to my sponsor. After I stopped, after I finished, she just sat there and looked at me for a few minutes, it seemed like. I had cried the whole time I was reading it to her, again. </p><p></p><p></p><p>It was healing and took me a huge way forward in my own recovery. I am doing that again now. After this latest letter from difficult child from jail, I was shaking with the anger and resentment and despair and hopelessness and fear I was feeling. Yesterday I sat down and wrote very quickly on the computer for a while, pouring it all out. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh yes. I'm the strong one. I can do it for everybody. Just let me help. Let me help you solve your problems. I'll tell you what to do. Me, the all-knowing one. I don't need any help myself, thank you very much. I've not only got my own life, I've got yours.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I used to see that as helping. My intentions were good, but beneath those good intentions was a person who didn't want to look at her own self. In her arrogance, she just knew what you needed to do. Let's all be perfect and I can tell you just how to do it. </p><p></p><p></p><p>What arrogance that was. How ridiculous. I am not that person anymore, and I am very grateful for this hard, hard lesson I have learned. I don't have to rescue people anymore. Me is a full-time job and there is still lots of work to be done. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Please feel sorry for me. I have to deal with this awful alcoholic. I need attention from you. When I look back on the drama of the ending of my marriage, I am ashamed at my attempts to get sympathy from friends. I didn't know any better and I was in mortal pain, but I was such a martyr. Me, the good one, living all of these years, with him, the bad one. Let me tell you how bad it's been. Ugh. Today, I no longer have to tell my friends every single thing difficult child is doing. Suffice it to say, it's boring at this point. Who wants to keep on hearing this stuff? I am grateful I can write here about some of the things, and write to myself the other ugliness that goes on and on. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I have choked out these words. "You have what it takes to do whatever you need to do." Does he really right now? I don't know if he does or not, but he's not ever going to do anything if we don't start talking the talk and then hoping some actions will follow. There is merit in this, even if we can't fully believe all of it. </p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh, Cedar, thanks for your post. You have helped me. I am not where you are, but you are showing me the way. I'm working on it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 625242, member: 17542"] I am just starting to do this, Cedar. I have been so full of anger and resentment, I have been like an atom bomb with all of the energy tamped down and pushed down and submerged for so long. If I opened my mouth, what would I say? I didn't even know. I had and still have so much to say. I can destroy him even more with my words. And I didn't want to do that---so I continued destroying myself inside. And then I started telling the truth to my sponsor. I started writing it down. Here and on my computer. I talked here about the one time I typed for over an hour as fast as I could type. I poured it all out and down on paper. I cried the entire time I was typing. It was a huge step forward for me. I read it later, all of it, to my sponsor. After I stopped, after I finished, she just sat there and looked at me for a few minutes, it seemed like. I had cried the whole time I was reading it to her, again. It was healing and took me a huge way forward in my own recovery. I am doing that again now. After this latest letter from difficult child from jail, I was shaking with the anger and resentment and despair and hopelessness and fear I was feeling. Yesterday I sat down and wrote very quickly on the computer for a while, pouring it all out. Oh yes. I'm the strong one. I can do it for everybody. Just let me help. Let me help you solve your problems. I'll tell you what to do. Me, the all-knowing one. I don't need any help myself, thank you very much. I've not only got my own life, I've got yours. I used to see that as helping. My intentions were good, but beneath those good intentions was a person who didn't want to look at her own self. In her arrogance, she just knew what you needed to do. Let's all be perfect and I can tell you just how to do it. What arrogance that was. How ridiculous. I am not that person anymore, and I am very grateful for this hard, hard lesson I have learned. I don't have to rescue people anymore. Me is a full-time job and there is still lots of work to be done. Please feel sorry for me. I have to deal with this awful alcoholic. I need attention from you. When I look back on the drama of the ending of my marriage, I am ashamed at my attempts to get sympathy from friends. I didn't know any better and I was in mortal pain, but I was such a martyr. Me, the good one, living all of these years, with him, the bad one. Let me tell you how bad it's been. Ugh. Today, I no longer have to tell my friends every single thing difficult child is doing. Suffice it to say, it's boring at this point. Who wants to keep on hearing this stuff? I am grateful I can write here about some of the things, and write to myself the other ugliness that goes on and on. I have choked out these words. "You have what it takes to do whatever you need to do." Does he really right now? I don't know if he does or not, but he's not ever going to do anything if we don't start talking the talk and then hoping some actions will follow. There is merit in this, even if we can't fully believe all of it. Oh, Cedar, thanks for your post. You have helped me. I am not where you are, but you are showing me the way. I'm working on it. [/QUOTE]
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