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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 625272" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>There is no possibility of certainty for us Child, for the mothers. We so wholeheartedly do the best we know or can learn. What I do know is that, just after our daughter was beat, when it seemed the brain damage and physical deficits would be permanent, both husband and I were on the same page about bringing her home, about caring for her for the rest of her life.</p><p></p><p>There just wasn't a question. And that was appropriate, for that time. If she were truly helpless, that would be the right thing. It was funny, too, that each of us was determined to do it <u>whatever the other guy said.</u> We were both so surprised that we knew this was the right thing. As she healed, the worst things resolved. She could walk without falling. She could hold a conversation without lapsing into laughter or crying. As more time passed, she began to be able to remember what she had told us, to remember that she had talked to us. She learned to write everything down, so she would not miss appointments.</p><p></p><p>She was learning to cope.</p><p></p><p>So, without her ever having known that we would have taken her in, we gave ownership of her life back to her.</p><p></p><p>This is the right thing.</p><p></p><p>As long as the kids <u>can</u> function, it is right for us to believe in them, and to give them ownership of their lives.</p><p></p><p>That is what we would want, for ourselves.</p><p></p><p>Safe haven in dire straits, but otherwise...otherwise, we need to hold steady and strong. Whether the issue is abusive language or self destruction or repeated criminal activity, that is what the adult our child became has done to the living child in our hearts. </p><p></p><p>I just go cross eyed with anger when I think about that. When I think about what these doobeys did, about where they took my babies that I nursed and rubbed with lotion and thought the sun rose and set on.</p><p></p><p>Grrr....</p><p></p><p>That adult who now exists knows better, was raised better, was taught how to do better. In a way, their behaviors are so deep a betrayal of and to us that we would be right in turning our backs on them forever.</p><p></p><p>That is what happens, in some societies. I read somewhere that Jewish people sit shiva for a child going a wrong way. I am not Jewish, so I don't understand more than the smallest sliver of this, but what I took from my reading is that the family comes together and mourns for the lost child as though the child had died.</p><p></p><p>And the child is not welcomed back.</p><p></p><p>Or maybe, that is where the story of the prodigal son comes from. But even there, you don't read about the family running off to the pig sty to save the child from where he willingly went. They love and forgive and take him back. They restore his position.</p><p></p><p>Once he has healed himself, and not a minute sooner.</p><p></p><p>And yet, knowing those consequences? There were still children who went a wrong way. There must have been, or that story I read about sitting shiva would not have been written.</p><p></p><p>You are brave and good and strong, COM. None of us knows how to do this. </p><p></p><p>With all my heart, I wish this were not happening to you, to your son, to your family.</p><p></p><p>**********************</p><p></p><p>There are moms here who have dealt with the same issues you are coping with now, COM. Have you made a post with that title? </p><p></p><p>These feelings will only become more intense as the time for you to make your final decision regarding bail approaches. There is information here for you, COM. </p><p></p><p>How did those other moms survive it.</p><p></p><p>How do moms survive it who literally do not have the money for bail?</p><p></p><p>There is a song now about someone who makes so much money that he can bail his brother out of jail. In the past, whether the charges were bogus or not...there was nothing he could do.</p><p></p><p>There may be a purpose here that we know nothing about, COM.</p><p></p><p>*******</p><p></p><p>I am so happy if anything I post helps anyone. It's like striking a blow at the darkness we're all trying to save ourselves and our children from. That we can be here and be honest and tell what happened to us and to our kids, I mean.</p><p></p><p>I remember all the years I was alone with it.</p><p></p><p>That was worse.</p><p></p><p>I think we are standing up really well, COM.</p><p></p><p>Like the Mary, or like the Christ himself, in your Tyrants post. We are facing what we have to face. So far, we are holding strong. </p><p></p><p>Mother love is an incredible force. It's knowing which way to direct it that's the problem.</p><p></p><p>How good it is that we are all here, that this site exists, that we are not alone with everything, anymore.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 625272, member: 17461"] There is no possibility of certainty for us Child, for the mothers. We so wholeheartedly do the best we know or can learn. What I do know is that, just after our daughter was beat, when it seemed the brain damage and physical deficits would be permanent, both husband and I were on the same page about bringing her home, about caring for her for the rest of her life. There just wasn't a question. And that was appropriate, for that time. If she were truly helpless, that would be the right thing. It was funny, too, that each of us was determined to do it [U]whatever the other guy said.[/U] We were both so surprised that we knew this was the right thing. As she healed, the worst things resolved. She could walk without falling. She could hold a conversation without lapsing into laughter or crying. As more time passed, she began to be able to remember what she had told us, to remember that she had talked to us. She learned to write everything down, so she would not miss appointments. She was learning to cope. So, without her ever having known that we would have taken her in, we gave ownership of her life back to her. This is the right thing. As long as the kids [U]can[/U] function, it is right for us to believe in them, and to give them ownership of their lives. That is what we would want, for ourselves. Safe haven in dire straits, but otherwise...otherwise, we need to hold steady and strong. Whether the issue is abusive language or self destruction or repeated criminal activity, that is what the adult our child became has done to the living child in our hearts. I just go cross eyed with anger when I think about that. When I think about what these doobeys did, about where they took my babies that I nursed and rubbed with lotion and thought the sun rose and set on. Grrr.... That adult who now exists knows better, was raised better, was taught how to do better. In a way, their behaviors are so deep a betrayal of and to us that we would be right in turning our backs on them forever. That is what happens, in some societies. I read somewhere that Jewish people sit shiva for a child going a wrong way. I am not Jewish, so I don't understand more than the smallest sliver of this, but what I took from my reading is that the family comes together and mourns for the lost child as though the child had died. And the child is not welcomed back. Or maybe, that is where the story of the prodigal son comes from. But even there, you don't read about the family running off to the pig sty to save the child from where he willingly went. They love and forgive and take him back. They restore his position. Once he has healed himself, and not a minute sooner. And yet, knowing those consequences? There were still children who went a wrong way. There must have been, or that story I read about sitting shiva would not have been written. You are brave and good and strong, COM. None of us knows how to do this. With all my heart, I wish this were not happening to you, to your son, to your family. ********************** There are moms here who have dealt with the same issues you are coping with now, COM. Have you made a post with that title? These feelings will only become more intense as the time for you to make your final decision regarding bail approaches. There is information here for you, COM. How did those other moms survive it. How do moms survive it who literally do not have the money for bail? There is a song now about someone who makes so much money that he can bail his brother out of jail. In the past, whether the charges were bogus or not...there was nothing he could do. There may be a purpose here that we know nothing about, COM. ******* I am so happy if anything I post helps anyone. It's like striking a blow at the darkness we're all trying to save ourselves and our children from. That we can be here and be honest and tell what happened to us and to our kids, I mean. I remember all the years I was alone with it. That was worse. I think we are standing up really well, COM. Like the Mary, or like the Christ himself, in your Tyrants post. We are facing what we have to face. So far, we are holding strong. Mother love is an incredible force. It's knowing which way to direct it that's the problem. How good it is that we are all here, that this site exists, that we are not alone with everything, anymore. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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