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Healing from Narcissistic Relationship: Very good article
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 675102" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>I hope this is where I am going Cedar, truly. I want to be free of all of this. Free to be me, and to accept myself as I am. But in writing this, I am realizing that I feel far from me, right now. Like I am looking at me, outside of myself.</p><p></p><p>It is not even about seeing myself through my sisters eyes.</p><p></p><p></p><p> Yes, I think this is part of the answer, as well as busy work.</p><p></p><p> Finding grounding and foundation through the simple necessities of daily work.</p><p></p><p> I will put this in my back pocket for now. I don't even know what I would begin to say to a therapist. Perhaps when I get further through this fog......</p><p></p><p> I guess that is why I am hesitant to go seek out therapy, for now, what is real, and what is imagined? What do I want to accomplish, in all of this searching? What will I do, when the fog lifts?</p><p></p><p> Yes, I think I have started to view things this way. It is a weird feeling of what in the world happened? The strange thing is, I am thinking this all correlates with what is going on with my d cs- you know? From the guilt and searching for answers with my d cs, to examining my past.</p><p>Has my experience with FOO, filtered over to affect, infect, my children?</p><p></p><p> Yes, I have been reading about the narcissistic continuum, Cedar, did you know about the term flying monkeys? Is this the reason for your avatar?</p><p><a href="http://house-of-mirrors.blogspot.com/2013/04/the-malignant-narcissist-and-her-flying.html" target="_blank">http://house-of-mirrors.blogspot.com/2013/04/the-malignant-narcissist-and-her-flying.html</a></p><p>I love the "Wizard of Oz", and have often felt that children's stories and literature is perhaps written by survivors of dysfunctional families, certain characters personified from actual family members, and their experience.</p><p>It is a safe way to write of ones hardship, without identifying the source, also these stories have lessons and warnings for the readers.</p><p>Flying monkeys, those who do the bidding of the narcissist. I do believe I, at one point, became a<em> flying monkey</em>. I didn't know it then, but I see it now. I was not<em> Switzerland, </em>though I thought I was, I was just a pawn, a flying monkey. I think my sister, has been trying to keep me from talking with my siblings, because if we all put our heads together, the gig is up.</p><p>So, I called my lil sis, and encouraged her to read about narcissism.</p><p>She said "You know J (her daughter) thinks Attilla is bi-polar."</p><p>I said, well, that could be true, the point is, we need to be ready to deal with whatever is coming around the bend with mom.</p><p> Yes, Cedar, I am wanting to get to this point, I thought I was, then boom, this stuff just whacked me upside the head.</p><p>I feel like one of those bobble heads, in the back windshield of a car.</p><p></p><p> I think I was trying so desperately all of my life to understand,to have the tormenting, gas-lighting stop, even then, I still wanted to get to a point of <em>friendship</em> with my sister. </p><p>It comes at a very heavy price, I have found.</p><p> This is true. I think in my parents case, it was easier to ignore the situation, then to try to deal with it. Not trying to excuse it, but I see that. My sister controlled a lot of things growing up.</p><p></p><p> I have to remember to breathe, Cedar. I have been agitated, anxious, unbeknownst to me, hyperventilating. Or not even taking in deep breaths, it wasn't until my body physically rejected my state, that I realized what I was doing.</p><p>I do not recall feeling so anxious, or besides myself, before. </p><p>Maybe it is an accumulation of all that has been going on. </p><p>Did I feel this as a child? Has this brought me back to occurrences I have long ago buried? </p><p>Is this why I am out of my body-looking? </p><p>I woke up this morning, head pounding, disoriented. I looked in the mirror, I had fingernail marks on my chin, my left cheek. </p><p>I slept with my fingernails digging into my face, how weird is that?</p><p> I was the broken one, Cedar. It was always me, there was something wrong with me, how else could I explain being alone in my room, most of the time? I stayed there, to protect myself.I went out and played, but each time, I was driven back to my room. Ostracized. I can't believe it as I am writing it. Am I just picking out a few times in my life? Remembering only the bad things?</p><p> It happened, over and over again.</p><p>I think the reaction was that there was something<em> wrong with me.</em></p><p>I think my sister denied things she had done, and they believed <em>her. </em></p><p><em>If I was so broken,</em> <em>why did they not get help for me? </em></p><p>Why didn't anyone sit me down and say <em>"What is wrong dear Leafy? Why are you so sad all the time? Why do you keep yourself in the room so much?</em></p><p></p><p>"You can't keep living in the past" sister hisses.</p><p>Mom <em>repeats </em>this, in a somewhat exasperated, weary, kind, caring tone</p><p>"The past is the past...."</p><p>Yes, the past is the past, it is, but there are some ugly, confusing, debilitating memories that I have. </p><p>My feelings were denied then, and still are now.</p><p>I am overreacting, over sensitive. Etc., etc., etc.</p><p>Stop crying leafy, just stop crying. Stop feeling. What is wrong now?</p><p>Rolling eyes and sighs.</p><p>I was so alone, and lonely, for so long.</p><p>I didn't like myself, thought something was <em>wrong with me</em>.</p><p>Which translates now, to, is there something wrong with me?</p><p>Huh.</p><p> Life is precious, I agree Cedar.</p><p>Blessed, I am blessed, in so many ways.</p><p>I had this picture of myself, just pathetic, sad, miserable, low self esteem.</p><p>I would walk for hours, as a teen. Just thinking, and dreaming, and wanting to be free. I could not figure it out, what was wrong with me.</p><p>I didn't fit into my own family......how was I supposed to fit anywhere else?</p><p></p><p> It was not my whole FOO, it was my sister. She had such <em>power, dominance, control. </em>I can hardly believe it myself Cedar, but it is true. Everyone just seemed to dance around her. I was stuck, <em>scapegoated</em>. I was the target. I was her target for so long. That was my existence.</p><p>I suppose my parents bear some responsibility, because she was not stopped.</p><p></p><p>How is it possible that one child can have so much control?</p><p></p><p>Why didn't anyone see what was happening? Or did they?</p><p></p><p>Questions just beget more questions.</p><p></p><p>There is no one but me to answer them Cedar.</p><p></p><p>The trick is now, </p><p>to be able to believe myself.</p><p></p><p>I will read through the early FOO writings.</p><p></p><p>Thank you for your help Cedar,</p><p></p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 675102, member: 19522"] I hope this is where I am going Cedar, truly. I want to be free of all of this. Free to be me, and to accept myself as I am. But in writing this, I am realizing that I feel far from me, right now. Like I am looking at me, outside of myself. It is not even about seeing myself through my sisters eyes. Yes, I think this is part of the answer, as well as busy work. Finding grounding and foundation through the simple necessities of daily work. I will put this in my back pocket for now. I don't even know what I would begin to say to a therapist. Perhaps when I get further through this fog...... I guess that is why I am hesitant to go seek out therapy, for now, what is real, and what is imagined? What do I want to accomplish, in all of this searching? What will I do, when the fog lifts? Yes, I think I have started to view things this way. It is a weird feeling of what in the world happened? The strange thing is, I am thinking this all correlates with what is going on with my d cs- you know? From the guilt and searching for answers with my d cs, to examining my past. Has my experience with FOO, filtered over to affect, infect, my children? Yes, I have been reading about the narcissistic continuum, Cedar, did you know about the term flying monkeys? Is this the reason for your avatar? [URL]http://house-of-mirrors.blogspot.com/2013/04/the-malignant-narcissist-and-her-flying.html[/URL] I love the "Wizard of Oz", and have often felt that children's stories and literature is perhaps written by survivors of dysfunctional families, certain characters personified from actual family members, and their experience. It is a safe way to write of ones hardship, without identifying the source, also these stories have lessons and warnings for the readers. Flying monkeys, those who do the bidding of the narcissist. I do believe I, at one point, became a[I] flying monkey[/I]. I didn't know it then, but I see it now. I was not[I] Switzerland, [/I]though I thought I was, I was just a pawn, a flying monkey. I think my sister, has been trying to keep me from talking with my siblings, because if we all put our heads together, the gig is up. So, I called my lil sis, and encouraged her to read about narcissism. She said "You know J (her daughter) thinks Attilla is bi-polar." I said, well, that could be true, the point is, we need to be ready to deal with whatever is coming around the bend with mom. Yes, Cedar, I am wanting to get to this point, I thought I was, then boom, this stuff just whacked me upside the head. I feel like one of those bobble heads, in the back windshield of a car. I think I was trying so desperately all of my life to understand,to have the tormenting, gas-lighting stop, even then, I still wanted to get to a point of [I]friendship[/I] with my sister. It comes at a very heavy price, I have found. This is true. I think in my parents case, it was easier to ignore the situation, then to try to deal with it. Not trying to excuse it, but I see that. My sister controlled a lot of things growing up. I have to remember to breathe, Cedar. I have been agitated, anxious, unbeknownst to me, hyperventilating. Or not even taking in deep breaths, it wasn't until my body physically rejected my state, that I realized what I was doing. I do not recall feeling so anxious, or besides myself, before. Maybe it is an accumulation of all that has been going on. Did I feel this as a child? Has this brought me back to occurrences I have long ago buried? Is this why I am out of my body-looking? I woke up this morning, head pounding, disoriented. I looked in the mirror, I had fingernail marks on my chin, my left cheek. I slept with my fingernails digging into my face, how weird is that? I was the broken one, Cedar. It was always me, there was something wrong with me, how else could I explain being alone in my room, most of the time? I stayed there, to protect myself.I went out and played, but each time, I was driven back to my room. Ostracized. I can't believe it as I am writing it. Am I just picking out a few times in my life? Remembering only the bad things? It happened, over and over again. I think the reaction was that there was something[I] wrong with me.[/I] I think my sister denied things she had done, and they believed [I]her. If I was so broken,[/I] [I]why did they not get help for me? [/I] Why didn't anyone sit me down and say [I]"What is wrong dear Leafy? Why are you so sad all the time? Why do you keep yourself in the room so much?[/I] "You can't keep living in the past" sister hisses. Mom [I]repeats [/I]this, in a somewhat exasperated, weary, kind, caring tone "The past is the past...." Yes, the past is the past, it is, but there are some ugly, confusing, debilitating memories that I have. My feelings were denied then, and still are now. I am overreacting, over sensitive. Etc., etc., etc. Stop crying leafy, just stop crying. Stop feeling. What is wrong now? Rolling eyes and sighs. I was so alone, and lonely, for so long. I didn't like myself, thought something was [I]wrong with me[/I]. Which translates now, to, is there something wrong with me? Huh. Life is precious, I agree Cedar. Blessed, I am blessed, in so many ways. I had this picture of myself, just pathetic, sad, miserable, low self esteem. I would walk for hours, as a teen. Just thinking, and dreaming, and wanting to be free. I could not figure it out, what was wrong with me. I didn't fit into my own family......how was I supposed to fit anywhere else? It was not my whole FOO, it was my sister. She had such [I]power, dominance, control. [/I]I can hardly believe it myself Cedar, but it is true. Everyone just seemed to dance around her. I was stuck, [I]scapegoated[/I]. I was the target. I was her target for so long. That was my existence. I suppose my parents bear some responsibility, because she was not stopped. How is it possible that one child can have so much control? Why didn't anyone see what was happening? Or did they? Questions just beget more questions. There is no one but me to answer them Cedar. The trick is now, to be able to believe myself. I will read through the early FOO writings. Thank you for your help Cedar, leafy [/QUOTE]
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Healing from Narcissistic Relationship: Very good article
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