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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 661730" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>JKF I am so sorry this is happening to you and to me too.</p><p></p><p>The thing is everything is not OK. To act like it was, you would be lying to yourself and to your child.</p><p></p><p>You are his parent. You must take a stand for what is right. He was not raised to live in the street, to treat himself as if he has little value and to permit others to treat him as such, or view him as such.</p><p></p><p>You are doing as you must. And it feels horrible. How could it not? Your heart is twisted as if it is outside of you. As if you have heart troubles along with your son.</p><p></p><p>I am in the same boat. My son called several days ago. He voluntarily put himself into emergency residential treatment because he could no longer live as he had been. The thing is, I made the mistake of calling HIM the next day. He was miserable, angry. </p><p></p><p>Immediately, I felt as if it was my life that was intolerable and me that was horrible.</p><p></p><p>I take it out on myself and I fear that you do too.</p><p></p><p>Who wouldn't be? But the thing is this: it is not your shame to bear. I think you must take on feelings that more appropriately are his to bear.</p><p></p><p>I do this too.</p><p></p><p>I feel it is my shame. I take on the shame. I take on his distress. And search for things about me and my life for which I should be punished. I am beginning to think that I do this as a way to have some control in a situation where I have none. I think I try to punish myself and make myself feel horrible in some crazy way, so that the universe might spare my child. Some kind of crazy self-sacrifice because I can do nothing at all to help him.</p><p>You did exactly the right thing. It took courage. The consequences of his lifestyle must accrue to him, not to you. I hope in those circumstances I would have the sense and the courage to do the same.</p><p>I know you do. And I want to be the same Mom to my son, as I was before. </p><p></p><p>You do not love one child more than the other. It is the way he is living. The life he is living. The person he is becoming, has become, that you do not like. You know this.</p><p></p><p>By acting loveydovey would be as if to lie. As if to consent. As if to approve. And this you cannot do. You have not and you will not.</p><p></p><p>However hard it is. Whatever the pain is for you. You are choosing for your son. Do not forget that. It may feel like you are protecting yourself. And you are. But you are choosing for him most of all.</p><p></p><p>If you were choosing for yourself only you would take the easy way. You would pay the hundred dollars. It would after all be a small price to pay for peace and to get this problem off your plate.</p><p></p><p>But you are strong. You are his mother. You are taking a stand for your son because you love him. And you are doing the right thing.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 661730, member: 18958"] JKF I am so sorry this is happening to you and to me too. The thing is everything is not OK. To act like it was, you would be lying to yourself and to your child. You are his parent. You must take a stand for what is right. He was not raised to live in the street, to treat himself as if he has little value and to permit others to treat him as such, or view him as such. You are doing as you must. And it feels horrible. How could it not? Your heart is twisted as if it is outside of you. As if you have heart troubles along with your son. I am in the same boat. My son called several days ago. He voluntarily put himself into emergency residential treatment because he could no longer live as he had been. The thing is, I made the mistake of calling HIM the next day. He was miserable, angry. Immediately, I felt as if it was my life that was intolerable and me that was horrible. I take it out on myself and I fear that you do too. Who wouldn't be? But the thing is this: it is not your shame to bear. I think you must take on feelings that more appropriately are his to bear. I do this too. I feel it is my shame. I take on the shame. I take on his distress. And search for things about me and my life for which I should be punished. I am beginning to think that I do this as a way to have some control in a situation where I have none. I think I try to punish myself and make myself feel horrible in some crazy way, so that the universe might spare my child. Some kind of crazy self-sacrifice because I can do nothing at all to help him. You did exactly the right thing. It took courage. The consequences of his lifestyle must accrue to him, not to you. I hope in those circumstances I would have the sense and the courage to do the same. I know you do. And I want to be the same Mom to my son, as I was before. You do not love one child more than the other. It is the way he is living. The life he is living. The person he is becoming, has become, that you do not like. You know this. By acting loveydovey would be as if to lie. As if to consent. As if to approve. And this you cannot do. You have not and you will not. However hard it is. Whatever the pain is for you. You are choosing for your son. Do not forget that. It may feel like you are protecting yourself. And you are. But you are choosing for him most of all. If you were choosing for yourself only you would take the easy way. You would pay the hundred dollars. It would after all be a small price to pay for peace and to get this problem off your plate. But you are strong. You are his mother. You are taking a stand for your son because you love him. And you are doing the right thing. [/QUOTE]
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