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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 755220" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I am having a bad day today, and there are a few things in your post 200meters that touched my heart.</p><p></p><p>I think that I have dealt badly with the shame of my son's situation. That it shows me up for what I am, deep inside. I have tried and tried to live an exemplary life, to show that I have worth. And then, because my son can't thrive, I am shown up for what I am, a deeply defective person. Thank goodness I have been studying my faith, that teaches we are all broken...and with the potential to manifest the Divine at the same time.</p><p>This made me tear up. How do religious Jews such as yourself bear this? The stigma, the shame, the shattering vulnerability....</p><p>I was able to spend an hour here, looking for recipes for cornflakes muffins. A refuge from reality. Why cornflake muffins?</p><p>Look. I feel differently. I shop at Costco. I live in a medium sized town remote from where I feel comfortable, where I feel a fish out of water, but Costco feels like home, because whether in metropolitan areas or in remote areas such as where I live, they are the same.</p><p></p><p>There is a cashier at my Costco. He's been there years and years. He treats every single person like they are the most important person. He tries to make a relationship with every customer that comes through his line. He connects. He's real. He focuses his attention on each person, and he cares. For the minute or so you are near him, he does whatever in the world he can to make you feel seen, and known.</p><p></p><p>When he's not doing that, he is as if dancing, there with the products and his cash register. It is a kind of choreography of spirit. I have a kind of love for this man. And the deepest respect.</p><p></p><p>Which is to say that I feel we have the capacity each of us to become wonderful and powerful by just manifesting it, from one second to the next. Abracadabra.</p><p></p><p>I spent my whole life making myself into somebody that had value. believing that a title, some change in me, would render me "somebody." Clueless that infinite value already existed within me, if I claimed it. This man understands this about himself and about every other person who comes through his line and his life.</p><p></p><p>As I finish this diatribe I realize we are saying the same thing, 200meters. What you say here is</p><p>I apologize. I thought I had to be a thing, a profession, to have value. What I did not understand was that it was <em>to be.</em> You are saying the same thing. The channeling of good, the choice to do this can happen in an instant, and requires not one thing to change, except the choice and the desire to do so.</p><p></p><p>I think a large part of my despair is that in relation to my son I become somebody I don't recognize. Rather than calling upon the best I can be, my interactions with my son become degraded. I become defined by anger, by fear, by cynicism, by a kind of shame, by reactivity, by despair and blame, and by hopelessness. And I can't seem to get myself out of this, in relation to him. I am at the point where I can't tolerate any contact at all because I lose myself.</p><p></p><p>Thank you for the opportunity to get in touch with these feelings here on this thread. I feel tiny tears welling up. And I feel the pain behind the words. If I can feel the pain, the toxicity will drain, and I will be back to myself.</p><p></p><p>200meters, I don't know what to do. I am lost. When I feel this way I want to die. When I begin to feel this way and I write this here, I scare people. But I don't know what else to do.</p><p></p><p>You give and give to your boy. I don't have anything left.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 755220, member: 18958"] I am having a bad day today, and there are a few things in your post 200meters that touched my heart. I think that I have dealt badly with the shame of my son's situation. That it shows me up for what I am, deep inside. I have tried and tried to live an exemplary life, to show that I have worth. And then, because my son can't thrive, I am shown up for what I am, a deeply defective person. Thank goodness I have been studying my faith, that teaches we are all broken...and with the potential to manifest the Divine at the same time. This made me tear up. How do religious Jews such as yourself bear this? The stigma, the shame, the shattering vulnerability.... I was able to spend an hour here, looking for recipes for cornflakes muffins. A refuge from reality. Why cornflake muffins? Look. I feel differently. I shop at Costco. I live in a medium sized town remote from where I feel comfortable, where I feel a fish out of water, but Costco feels like home, because whether in metropolitan areas or in remote areas such as where I live, they are the same. There is a cashier at my Costco. He's been there years and years. He treats every single person like they are the most important person. He tries to make a relationship with every customer that comes through his line. He connects. He's real. He focuses his attention on each person, and he cares. For the minute or so you are near him, he does whatever in the world he can to make you feel seen, and known. When he's not doing that, he is as if dancing, there with the products and his cash register. It is a kind of choreography of spirit. I have a kind of love for this man. And the deepest respect. Which is to say that I feel we have the capacity each of us to become wonderful and powerful by just manifesting it, from one second to the next. Abracadabra. I spent my whole life making myself into somebody that had value. believing that a title, some change in me, would render me "somebody." Clueless that infinite value already existed within me, if I claimed it. This man understands this about himself and about every other person who comes through his line and his life. As I finish this diatribe I realize we are saying the same thing, 200meters. What you say here is I apologize. I thought I had to be a thing, a profession, to have value. What I did not understand was that it was [I]to be.[/I] You are saying the same thing. The channeling of good, the choice to do this can happen in an instant, and requires not one thing to change, except the choice and the desire to do so. I think a large part of my despair is that in relation to my son I become somebody I don't recognize. Rather than calling upon the best I can be, my interactions with my son become degraded. I become defined by anger, by fear, by cynicism, by a kind of shame, by reactivity, by despair and blame, and by hopelessness. And I can't seem to get myself out of this, in relation to him. I am at the point where I can't tolerate any contact at all because I lose myself. Thank you for the opportunity to get in touch with these feelings here on this thread. I feel tiny tears welling up. And I feel the pain behind the words. If I can feel the pain, the toxicity will drain, and I will be back to myself. 200meters, I don't know what to do. I am lost. When I feel this way I want to die. When I begin to feel this way and I write this here, I scare people. But I don't know what else to do. You give and give to your boy. I don't have anything left. [/QUOTE]
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