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Help! Fiance Continues to Enable Her Daughter
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<blockquote data-quote="Frustrated2019" data-source="post: 747922" data-attributes="member: 23774"><p>Hi AppleCori, Thank you for investing the time here to respond to my post for help. I appreciate! Yes, my fiance hasn't done the best job at dealing with this head on, and quite frankly never has (until I showed up and offered a different approach). She's historically been the "classic" enabler with both her kids and at a core level knew it was wrong to do, but did so anyway believing if she didn't her kids would be homeless, starving or even end up dead. I've never had kids so cannot even begin to imagine the fears that run through one's mind, let alone a mother and a mother's instinctive need to protect her children at all costs. </p><p></p><p>As a "recovering enabler" myself (I had a girlfriend 20 years ago that had a drinking problem...that I enabled) I've done the hard work, joined Al-Anon, and now have a better sense of what is going on and how best to deal with it, however, this is all new to my fiance and excruciatingly painful. Her greatest pain and fear is losing me, even more so than her kids as we are very much in love and have a great relationship, aside from what has transpired in the past week. I don't want to put her in a position where she is forced to choose between continuing to enable her daughter or not to be with me, although it may come to that as I don't believe we can have a healthy, honest relationship that is not controlled by her daughter's antics if I don't.</p><p></p><p>Yes, I know her promises to be different after the wedding is simply moving the goal posts further down the field to temporarily avoid the inevitable and have told her that. Yes, I know this is a red flag that needs to be address by us both as team ASAP. Yes, we need to do some therapy...and the concern in my mind is will it be enough to help her diminish or eliminate her enabling before our wedding in 3 months? I have a very difficult decision to make and this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I will stand my ground, and have so far, and this whole process is surreal and is breaking my heart. </p><p></p><p>Thank you again for your thoughts and insight. Peace.</p><p></p><p></p><p>QUOTE="AppleCori, post: 747904, member: 16024"]It would be a bad idea to get married before this issue is resolved.</p><p></p><p>Sounds like your fiancé is trying to sweep this under the rug with vague promises to stop enabling once you are married. We all know that a ring won’t make any difference in how she behaves toward her adult daughter. This is a red flag, and you should heed it.</p><p></p><p>She needs to go to counseling and resolve her issues so she doesn’t bring them into the marriage.</p><p></p><p>You need to stand your ground.You will be sorry if you don’t.</p></blockquote><p>[/QUOTE]</p>
[QUOTE="Frustrated2019, post: 747922, member: 23774"] Hi AppleCori, Thank you for investing the time here to respond to my post for help. I appreciate! Yes, my fiance hasn't done the best job at dealing with this head on, and quite frankly never has (until I showed up and offered a different approach). She's historically been the "classic" enabler with both her kids and at a core level knew it was wrong to do, but did so anyway believing if she didn't her kids would be homeless, starving or even end up dead. I've never had kids so cannot even begin to imagine the fears that run through one's mind, let alone a mother and a mother's instinctive need to protect her children at all costs. As a "recovering enabler" myself (I had a girlfriend 20 years ago that had a drinking problem...that I enabled) I've done the hard work, joined Al-Anon, and now have a better sense of what is going on and how best to deal with it, however, this is all new to my fiance and excruciatingly painful. Her greatest pain and fear is losing me, even more so than her kids as we are very much in love and have a great relationship, aside from what has transpired in the past week. I don't want to put her in a position where she is forced to choose between continuing to enable her daughter or not to be with me, although it may come to that as I don't believe we can have a healthy, honest relationship that is not controlled by her daughter's antics if I don't. Yes, I know her promises to be different after the wedding is simply moving the goal posts further down the field to temporarily avoid the inevitable and have told her that. Yes, I know this is a red flag that needs to be address by us both as team ASAP. Yes, we need to do some therapy...and the concern in my mind is will it be enough to help her diminish or eliminate her enabling before our wedding in 3 months? I have a very difficult decision to make and this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I will stand my ground, and have so far, and this whole process is surreal and is breaking my heart. Thank you again for your thoughts and insight. Peace. QUOTE="AppleCori, post: 747904, member: 16024"]It would be a bad idea to get married before this issue is resolved. Sounds like your fiancé is trying to sweep this under the rug with vague promises to stop enabling once you are married. We all know that a ring won’t make any difference in how she behaves toward her adult daughter. This is a red flag, and you should heed it. She needs to go to counseling and resolve her issues so she doesn’t bring them into the marriage. You need to stand your ground.You will be sorry if you don’t.[/QUOTE] [/QUOTE]
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Help! Fiance Continues to Enable Her Daughter
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