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General Parenting
Help! Fiance Continues to Enable Her Daughter
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<blockquote data-quote="AppleCori" data-source="post: 747928" data-attributes="member: 16024"><p>You have some tough decisions to make. At least you are looking at all sides of the issue and getting all the facts.</p><p></p><p>In some ways, I think stopping enabling an adult child is harder than stopping abusing substances.</p><p></p><p>Our adult children ALWAYS up the ante when we try to extricate ourselves.</p><p></p><p>Alcohol can’t withhold love, verbally abuse us, guilt us, threaten suicide, or get pregnant. Our difficult adults usually do at least one of those things pretty often to keep us hooked.</p><p></p><p>Because it works.</p><p></p><p>If you decide to go through with the marriage in three months, be prepared for any and all of those things to happen (and more). And be prepared for your wife to fall for it. At this moment, she has told you she will continue to enable. Don’t expect anything different after the vows are spoken.</p><p></p><p>My brother and his wife are in their 50s, and have enabled their two daughters (who are late 20s, early 30s). They get constant requests for money, to move in, help with legal issues (like bounced checks), physical altercations between them and their husbands, husbands who won’t hold a job, and taking the grandkids in for a while. The adult kids are always on the verge of being homeless. My brother and his wife now have the oldest two grandkids temporarily. It dominates their lives and it is never-ending. They have literally spent every penny they have on this, and have no savings at all.</p><p></p><p>You at least should get couple’s counseling or pre-marital counseling to set some boundaries on what is and is not going to be acceptable. Not sure if she will stick to it, though.</p><p></p><p>Apple</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="AppleCori, post: 747928, member: 16024"] You have some tough decisions to make. At least you are looking at all sides of the issue and getting all the facts. In some ways, I think stopping enabling an adult child is harder than stopping abusing substances. Our adult children ALWAYS up the ante when we try to extricate ourselves. Alcohol can’t withhold love, verbally abuse us, guilt us, threaten suicide, or get pregnant. Our difficult adults usually do at least one of those things pretty often to keep us hooked. Because it works. If you decide to go through with the marriage in three months, be prepared for any and all of those things to happen (and more). And be prepared for your wife to fall for it. At this moment, she has told you she will continue to enable. Don’t expect anything different after the vows are spoken. My brother and his wife are in their 50s, and have enabled their two daughters (who are late 20s, early 30s). They get constant requests for money, to move in, help with legal issues (like bounced checks), physical altercations between them and their husbands, husbands who won’t hold a job, and taking the grandkids in for a while. The adult kids are always on the verge of being homeless. My brother and his wife now have the oldest two grandkids temporarily. It dominates their lives and it is never-ending. They have literally spent every penny they have on this, and have no savings at all. You at least should get couple’s counseling or pre-marital counseling to set some boundaries on what is and is not going to be acceptable. Not sure if she will stick to it, though. Apple [/QUOTE]
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