Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Help! Fiance Continues to Enable Her Daughter
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 747929" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Welcome.</p><p></p><p>I think that your fiancée concealed this from you because she wants to keep her relationship (and impending marriage to you), and she can't bear to not help her daughter. I think it sounds like she may have paid lip service to your counsel but did not ever really buy in.</p><p></p><p>Your fiancée feels like she must choose between an arm and a leg, and she really feels like she can't.</p><p>This is ridiculous. Of course she won't do this, nor should she, in my view. Where does this come from her sense of that she must cut off her daughter?</p><p></p><p>It sounds like both of you are engaging in all or nothing thinking. In my experience life is seldom either/or. We are always trying to balance opposites, to have our cake and eat it too. Like is a paradox.</p><p>Then stop it.</p><p></p><p>You can step out of this drama. Either by leaving the relationship or stop pushing outcomes and results that are not working and may not be your right to impose.</p><p></p><p>You have the option of backing down. To my way of thinking, fiancée should not have to accommodate your needs or values, in order to keep the relationship. You are free to leave or stay. This is your choice. But it seems to me that you may be trying to control her. Of course she is resisting this. This is human.</p><p></p><p>Your fiancée's recovery is her business, not yours. However much you believe that she would benefit from doing this or that, it's her business, on her time table.</p><p>This is the core of things. All of us have to deal with imperfect relationships. In some respects, your posting is illustrating that your relationship is not beautiful and pure, because of exactly the dynamic which is occurring. To maintain the illusion of purity, your fiancé seems to feel that she needs to conceal a major dynamic in her life, to keep you happy, and engaged. I think you need to look at the possibility that your needs have created the breach between you. I am not saying that you're not right, looked at through the 12 step lens. </p><p></p><p>But not everybody (sadly) looks at life this way.</p><p></p><p>To me the choice is yours. Your fiancée has a reality in her life. She is engaged with a child who has problems and she is not ready to let go the active participation in her child's life. That's her right.</p><p></p><p>I see your choice as this: Can you accept that all of us are imperfect and that we are not all that another person requires? We do not act as they would wish, when they wish. Are you willing to accept imperfection, and to give up control over your fiancée? And work this through. Either you are willing to do this or you are not. </p><p></p><p>This has nothing really to do with the daughter. Or even your fiancée. This is about you.</p><p></p><p>Relationships are a process, they are not an absolute state. Marriage changes nothing. Are you willing to work things through her? This relationship and the messiness of it, may offer to you the possibility of greater recovery.</p><p></p><p>Conversely, this situation may be toxic to you. Have you thought about returning to Al Anon and exploring this question there, through the 12 step lens?</p><p></p><p>Anyway. We are glad that you are here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 747929, member: 18958"] Welcome. I think that your fiancée concealed this from you because she wants to keep her relationship (and impending marriage to you), and she can't bear to not help her daughter. I think it sounds like she may have paid lip service to your counsel but did not ever really buy in. Your fiancée feels like she must choose between an arm and a leg, and she really feels like she can't. This is ridiculous. Of course she won't do this, nor should she, in my view. Where does this come from her sense of that she must cut off her daughter? It sounds like both of you are engaging in all or nothing thinking. In my experience life is seldom either/or. We are always trying to balance opposites, to have our cake and eat it too. Like is a paradox. Then stop it. You can step out of this drama. Either by leaving the relationship or stop pushing outcomes and results that are not working and may not be your right to impose. You have the option of backing down. To my way of thinking, fiancée should not have to accommodate your needs or values, in order to keep the relationship. You are free to leave or stay. This is your choice. But it seems to me that you may be trying to control her. Of course she is resisting this. This is human. Your fiancée's recovery is her business, not yours. However much you believe that she would benefit from doing this or that, it's her business, on her time table. This is the core of things. All of us have to deal with imperfect relationships. In some respects, your posting is illustrating that your relationship is not beautiful and pure, because of exactly the dynamic which is occurring. To maintain the illusion of purity, your fiancé seems to feel that she needs to conceal a major dynamic in her life, to keep you happy, and engaged. I think you need to look at the possibility that your needs have created the breach between you. I am not saying that you're not right, looked at through the 12 step lens. But not everybody (sadly) looks at life this way. To me the choice is yours. Your fiancée has a reality in her life. She is engaged with a child who has problems and she is not ready to let go the active participation in her child's life. That's her right. I see your choice as this: Can you accept that all of us are imperfect and that we are not all that another person requires? We do not act as they would wish, when they wish. Are you willing to accept imperfection, and to give up control over your fiancée? And work this through. Either you are willing to do this or you are not. This has nothing really to do with the daughter. Or even your fiancée. This is about you. Relationships are a process, they are not an absolute state. Marriage changes nothing. Are you willing to work things through her? This relationship and the messiness of it, may offer to you the possibility of greater recovery. Conversely, this situation may be toxic to you. Have you thought about returning to Al Anon and exploring this question there, through the 12 step lens? Anyway. We are glad that you are here. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Help! Fiance Continues to Enable Her Daughter
Top