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<blockquote data-quote="Nomad" data-source="post: 413029"><p>I don't know your entire story.</p><p>But, he has done this before. He is 21. Time is up. I think you should <strong>NOT</strong> help him out by giving him any money and it is good that you asked him to leave. You should NEVER ever ever give him your ATM card and you should make it perfectly clear that if he ever uses your card again or takes money from you in any way, shape or form again, you will<strong> call the police</strong> and then really and for real, call the police <strong>and REPORT the theft. </strong></p><p> </p><p>I agree with Star, work out some arrangement to have his "stuff" removed from the house. Hopefully, he'll pick up some things right away (make the offer) and tell him that he needs to pick up the rest within 30 days. After 30 days, consider throwing out or giving most items to charity...keeping only the most valuable...giving him a little more time for those things. Keep written notes of all your conversations...dates...etc. And I also think it is a good idea to change the locks!</p><p> </p><p>I WOULD offer to pay for him to get to see an MD for medicaion (if he is not taking any currently) and for therapy. Once he is doing those things, perhaps consider paying for a trade school (if appropriate). Consider also at least a few family therapy sessions. (Only pay for appointments if you know he is going and pay directly to the doctors).</p><p> </p><p>by the way, if he ends up in the hospital, that is unfortunate, but it is ok. It is not your fault. Has he been prescribed medication? Is he taking it? Has he looked for a job? It is probably a VERY GOOD idea for your son to understand that you are not going to rescue him when he makes these bad decisions. It is especially important now that he is 21. No more time...no more excuses.</p><p> </p><p>Since he has a mental illness, you might want to make the generous offer of medical help if you can afford it. BUT, it is his choice to accept it or not. You need to set boundaries. Allowing someone to steal from you is not a boundary. You are also sending him a mixed up message and that is that you are someone he can take advantage of when he feels overwhelmed. Where does it end? Who else might he take advantage of? Again, he is 21. This has got to end. It is very sad. Very very painful for you, the parent. But the situation worsens when the adult child has no clue that he or she needs to be accountable for their actions. If they are sick, they need to reach out to the right people for medical care. But stealing, is not reaching out for help. It is taking advantage of others and breaking the law. It is going in the wrong direction. Consider, letting him know that that by your ACTIONS...not your words.</p><p> </p><p>You wanted help being strong....you know in your heart what has to be done. It is hard...very hard...but you can set limits.</p><p> </p><p>Is there a Families Anonymous Group or NAMI group in your area? These are organizations you might want to check out.</p><p> </p><p>Sending good thoughts....remember, these are only thoughts...possible ideas....suggestions. You know what is best. But, it is noticeable from your post and request...you recognize you must handle this very differently than what you have done in the past. You are strong...remember this.</p><p> </p><p>ps</p><p>Check out this information on detaching</p><p><a href="http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/" target="_blank">http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/</a></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nomad, post: 413029"] I don't know your entire story. But, he has done this before. He is 21. Time is up. I think you should [B]NOT[/B] help him out by giving him any money and it is good that you asked him to leave. You should NEVER ever ever give him your ATM card and you should make it perfectly clear that if he ever uses your card again or takes money from you in any way, shape or form again, you will[B] call the police[/B] and then really and for real, call the police [B]and REPORT the theft. [/B] I agree with Star, work out some arrangement to have his "stuff" removed from the house. Hopefully, he'll pick up some things right away (make the offer) and tell him that he needs to pick up the rest within 30 days. After 30 days, consider throwing out or giving most items to charity...keeping only the most valuable...giving him a little more time for those things. Keep written notes of all your conversations...dates...etc. And I also think it is a good idea to change the locks! I WOULD offer to pay for him to get to see an MD for medicaion (if he is not taking any currently) and for therapy. Once he is doing those things, perhaps consider paying for a trade school (if appropriate). Consider also at least a few family therapy sessions. (Only pay for appointments if you know he is going and pay directly to the doctors). by the way, if he ends up in the hospital, that is unfortunate, but it is ok. It is not your fault. Has he been prescribed medication? Is he taking it? Has he looked for a job? It is probably a VERY GOOD idea for your son to understand that you are not going to rescue him when he makes these bad decisions. It is especially important now that he is 21. No more time...no more excuses. Since he has a mental illness, you might want to make the generous offer of medical help if you can afford it. BUT, it is his choice to accept it or not. You need to set boundaries. Allowing someone to steal from you is not a boundary. You are also sending him a mixed up message and that is that you are someone he can take advantage of when he feels overwhelmed. Where does it end? Who else might he take advantage of? Again, he is 21. This has got to end. It is very sad. Very very painful for you, the parent. But the situation worsens when the adult child has no clue that he or she needs to be accountable for their actions. If they are sick, they need to reach out to the right people for medical care. But stealing, is not reaching out for help. It is taking advantage of others and breaking the law. It is going in the wrong direction. Consider, letting him know that that by your ACTIONS...not your words. You wanted help being strong....you know in your heart what has to be done. It is hard...very hard...but you can set limits. Is there a Families Anonymous Group or NAMI group in your area? These are organizations you might want to check out. Sending good thoughts....remember, these are only thoughts...possible ideas....suggestions. You know what is best. But, it is noticeable from your post and request...you recognize you must handle this very differently than what you have done in the past. You are strong...remember this. ps Check out this information on detaching [URL]http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/[/URL] [/QUOTE]
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