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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 707156" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>My son had a brain injury when he was about 22. It was a nightmare.</p><p></p><p>They had to call for security in the hospital, he was so mad at me.</p><p></p><p>I hired somebody to stay with him 24 hours for the period there was risk of seizures, and he went out and rode his bike without a helmet.</p><p></p><p>We locked up his bike, and he destroyed ours with a hammer (No. I did not call the police.)</p><p></p><p>My son called police on us several times to get us locked up in jail.</p><p>__</p><p></p><p>Fast forward 6 years: our relationship is better, but he faults me, my strong reactions which he sees as (verbally) violent and too intense. He sees me as coping poorly, as the problem.</p><p></p><p>He sees himself as the rational and mindful-one. And me, less developed cognitively. If you knew my profession, you would laugh.</p><p></p><p>I believe my son is right. With a caveat. I believe I do overreact. I believe I have hovered. I believe I do try to over-control.</p><p></p><p>But I have done so (and do so) with extreme fear. I erupt because of his unwillingness to be productive, tell the truth and be accountable, or to take care of his health in the way he needs to. Etcetera.</p><p>____</p><p></p><p>I believe something may be happening in your family which is similar.</p><p></p><p>It is very hard to love somebody and to feel responsible for somebody whose functioning and capacity we fear may be limited. That is why so many parents on this forum look to detachment as the answer with their children (you will find an article on this website which addresses detachment.)</p><p></p><p>Your daughter is still legally a child, but detachment for you can still be helpful. The first thing I would try to do is to detach emotionally from her accusations, and recognize that what she says or feels, how she blames you, really does not define you. She may functionally feel she needs to take this stance. I would try not to fight her on this or to respond. The less you engage the better. I would focus on creating an atmosphere that is stable and low-key. I would try to stay out of her way.</p><p></p><p>I would try to focus on the things in your life that make you feel good and validated. And to right now let her do the same. We cannot make anybody feel differently about us than they do. Her feelings will change over time, I believe.</p><p></p><p>I would try to relax about her health. If she has received the kind of treatment and intervention you describe, she has been well cared for. My son has another serious health problem, too, and my greatest stress is that he get treatment--he seems indifferent. My son is also mentally ill.</p><p></p><p>It is like I live in a pressure cooker. My task is to try to live as much as I can outside of it, and to not add to the pressure. By disengaging from the struggle, I can do this. And this is what my son wants too. I do not help him by staying on him. The reverse is the case.</p><p></p><p>Welcome. I hope you keep posting. It helps.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 707156, member: 18958"] My son had a brain injury when he was about 22. It was a nightmare. They had to call for security in the hospital, he was so mad at me. I hired somebody to stay with him 24 hours for the period there was risk of seizures, and he went out and rode his bike without a helmet. We locked up his bike, and he destroyed ours with a hammer (No. I did not call the police.) My son called police on us several times to get us locked up in jail. __ Fast forward 6 years: our relationship is better, but he faults me, my strong reactions which he sees as (verbally) violent and too intense. He sees me as coping poorly, as the problem. He sees himself as the rational and mindful-one. And me, less developed cognitively. If you knew my profession, you would laugh. I believe my son is right. With a caveat. I believe I do overreact. I believe I have hovered. I believe I do try to over-control. But I have done so (and do so) with extreme fear. I erupt because of his unwillingness to be productive, tell the truth and be accountable, or to take care of his health in the way he needs to. Etcetera. ____ I believe something may be happening in your family which is similar. It is very hard to love somebody and to feel responsible for somebody whose functioning and capacity we fear may be limited. That is why so many parents on this forum look to detachment as the answer with their children (you will find an article on this website which addresses detachment.) Your daughter is still legally a child, but detachment for you can still be helpful. The first thing I would try to do is to detach emotionally from her accusations, and recognize that what she says or feels, how she blames you, really does not define you. She may functionally feel she needs to take this stance. I would try not to fight her on this or to respond. The less you engage the better. I would focus on creating an atmosphere that is stable and low-key. I would try to stay out of her way. I would try to focus on the things in your life that make you feel good and validated. And to right now let her do the same. We cannot make anybody feel differently about us than they do. Her feelings will change over time, I believe. I would try to relax about her health. If she has received the kind of treatment and intervention you describe, she has been well cared for. My son has another serious health problem, too, and my greatest stress is that he get treatment--he seems indifferent. My son is also mentally ill. It is like I live in a pressure cooker. My task is to try to live as much as I can outside of it, and to not add to the pressure. By disengaging from the struggle, I can do this. And this is what my son wants too. I do not help him by staying on him. The reverse is the case. Welcome. I hope you keep posting. It helps. [/QUOTE]
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