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<blockquote data-quote="elizabrary" data-source="post: 751125" data-attributes="member: 11235"><p>Hi Terry- It is a very difficult road that you are on and we have been there. Starting on the road to self-care and no longer enabling your son is a positive journey, but it is difficult as well. We have all been in the position of enabling our adult children to continue to live their chaotic, irresponsible lives when we try to "help" them. The truth is if our "help" really worked they would have turned things around the first time we tried it. Nothing you do will change your son. He has to want to change himself and his life. When I first detached from my adult daughter it was very difficult for many reasons. One was that all of my energy and time was spent worrying about and trying to "fix" my daughter. When I stopped doing that there was a whole lot of time I didn't know what to do with. Also, my daughter flipped out when I actually began to set and maintain boundaries. She started behaving even worse and would not leave me alone. She called all of my phones repeatedly and when I wouldn't answer she left horrible screaming messages. It was terrible. However, day by day as I began putting my focus where it belonged- on myself!- things got better. I learned how to focus on me and be kind to myself. I found interesting things to do with myself that I really enjoyed. I learned how to be at peace no matter what the situation with my daughter was. I also learned how to love her without agreeing with everything she did. She also started interacting more positively with me over time as I set boundaries with her and learned to keep my mouth shut. If I think she's doing something insane I just don't comment. If she asks for my advice I say something positively neutral like, "You're a smart woman. You'll figure it out." Over the last few years she has improved her life and has been very successful in school, as well as maintaining employment and housing. She just had another baby, which I was not thrilled about, but things seem to be going well there also. I know it's very hard, but you need to let him walk his journey as he sees fit and focus on you. Sending peace your way.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="elizabrary, post: 751125, member: 11235"] Hi Terry- It is a very difficult road that you are on and we have been there. Starting on the road to self-care and no longer enabling your son is a positive journey, but it is difficult as well. We have all been in the position of enabling our adult children to continue to live their chaotic, irresponsible lives when we try to "help" them. The truth is if our "help" really worked they would have turned things around the first time we tried it. Nothing you do will change your son. He has to want to change himself and his life. When I first detached from my adult daughter it was very difficult for many reasons. One was that all of my energy and time was spent worrying about and trying to "fix" my daughter. When I stopped doing that there was a whole lot of time I didn't know what to do with. Also, my daughter flipped out when I actually began to set and maintain boundaries. She started behaving even worse and would not leave me alone. She called all of my phones repeatedly and when I wouldn't answer she left horrible screaming messages. It was terrible. However, day by day as I began putting my focus where it belonged- on myself!- things got better. I learned how to focus on me and be kind to myself. I found interesting things to do with myself that I really enjoyed. I learned how to be at peace no matter what the situation with my daughter was. I also learned how to love her without agreeing with everything she did. She also started interacting more positively with me over time as I set boundaries with her and learned to keep my mouth shut. If I think she's doing something insane I just don't comment. If she asks for my advice I say something positively neutral like, "You're a smart woman. You'll figure it out." Over the last few years she has improved her life and has been very successful in school, as well as maintaining employment and housing. She just had another baby, which I was not thrilled about, but things seem to be going well there also. I know it's very hard, but you need to let him walk his journey as he sees fit and focus on you. Sending peace your way. [/QUOTE]
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