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<blockquote data-quote="Nandina" data-source="post: 761928" data-attributes="member: 23742"><p>Hi LoveTempered and welcome. I have never heard a story on this forum that is more like my own than yours. Son adopted at same age, trauma, lots of behavorial problems in school, all kinds of counseling/therapy. Only we are now three years past our son’s longing to leave us at age 18. He too, thought living on the streets was kind of an experience that he needed to have and thought little about how totally unprepared he would be for living on his own in any sense, let alone being homeless. He pretty much romanticized the idea.</p><p></p><p>Once he turned 18, he felt like he was an adult and could do whatever he wanted, so he left. He was still in school and thankfully, the school stepped in and helped get him through the last half of his senior year and graduate. I told him he could not come back home if he left and we have stuck to it. (Many, many bad experiences in the home….threats, police called, doors, walls smashed etc.) We didn’t want to live that way anymore. That was the definition of tough love and boy was it hard. I cried for months knowing that he lacked any skill to survive in the world but there was really nothing I could do but watch and wait for the other shoe(s) to drop. I wish I had known about this forum then, but unfortunately I didn’t and I spent months being just devastated.</p><p></p><p>My son had a little exposure to some drugs in school but after he left home he pretty much stayed high for the next three years. He managed to get kicked out of any living situation that could have benefited him mainly for not following the rules. He failed two treatment programs. We have kept a relationship in spite of all this. He knows we love him and he loves us and willingly shows it. But he says he has always felt different and sort of alone in the world. </p><p></p><p>Fast forward to today. He committed a non-violent crime and has been in jail in another state for four months. He is clear-headed for the first time in three years since he has been without drugs there. It has been a real eye-opening experience for him. He hates it and is frightened of what could happen there. He also realizes that while he has been on a three year high breaking rules and doing whatever, his friends have grown up, gotten good jobs and are maturing into productive young adults. They are passing him by.</p><p></p><p>He is at the point now (finally!) where he wants more for his life. It has been a very long and trying three years but some maturity has finally kicked in. He now knows homelessness is no longer an option and will only keep him in a cycle of poverty, drug abuse and possibly more trouble with the law. I wish it didn’t take jail to get him to figure this out but people have different rock bottoms, I guess.</p><p></p><p>I cannot tell you how to help your son as far as what to purchase or not purchase for him when he becomes homeless because I think that is a personal choice and sometimes you need to do for them what brings you comfort but without enabling them. In my case, I would drop off food for my son occasionally, or take him out and buy him a meal. One of our members, JMom, bought her homeless son a tent. My strongest advice would be not to make it too easy on him because he has made a very hard (and bad) choice and he needs to feel it. That is the hardest part. Letting them feel the result of their poor choices and if necessary as a lesson, fail.</p><p></p><p>I feel for you so much, because he is still young and immature, probably fantasizing how great this homeless and free life will be when we all know how utterly ridiculous that is. And he will have to learn the hard way as so many of these difficult kids do. I would keep the lines of communication open if you can, and let him know he is loved. But keep your boundaries as you have done already and work hard not to enable him.</p><p></p><p>Keep posting here and keep us updated. It helps. The next few years may be real difficult depending on the choices your son makes. But it is possible to come out the other side, possibly with some strong lessons learned. I think he will have to grow up some before that is possible, though.</p><p></p><p>And my son is just beginning his ascent into maturity. He could stumble, of course. But what I always tell him is that as long as he is trying to help himself, if I am able, I’ll help him. (Help, not enable—always a fine line)</p><p></p><p>Be sure to take good care of yourself during this time because it’s so easy to let these kids dominate our thoughts and keep us in a depressed or anxious state. There are lots of ideas on this board for self care.</p><p></p><p>Best wishes to you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nandina, post: 761928, member: 23742"] Hi LoveTempered and welcome. I have never heard a story on this forum that is more like my own than yours. Son adopted at same age, trauma, lots of behavorial problems in school, all kinds of counseling/therapy. Only we are now three years past our son’s longing to leave us at age 18. He too, thought living on the streets was kind of an experience that he needed to have and thought little about how totally unprepared he would be for living on his own in any sense, let alone being homeless. He pretty much romanticized the idea. Once he turned 18, he felt like he was an adult and could do whatever he wanted, so he left. He was still in school and thankfully, the school stepped in and helped get him through the last half of his senior year and graduate. I told him he could not come back home if he left and we have stuck to it. (Many, many bad experiences in the home….threats, police called, doors, walls smashed etc.) We didn’t want to live that way anymore. That was the definition of tough love and boy was it hard. I cried for months knowing that he lacked any skill to survive in the world but there was really nothing I could do but watch and wait for the other shoe(s) to drop. I wish I had known about this forum then, but unfortunately I didn’t and I spent months being just devastated. My son had a little exposure to some drugs in school but after he left home he pretty much stayed high for the next three years. He managed to get kicked out of any living situation that could have benefited him mainly for not following the rules. He failed two treatment programs. We have kept a relationship in spite of all this. He knows we love him and he loves us and willingly shows it. But he says he has always felt different and sort of alone in the world. Fast forward to today. He committed a non-violent crime and has been in jail in another state for four months. He is clear-headed for the first time in three years since he has been without drugs there. It has been a real eye-opening experience for him. He hates it and is frightened of what could happen there. He also realizes that while he has been on a three year high breaking rules and doing whatever, his friends have grown up, gotten good jobs and are maturing into productive young adults. They are passing him by. He is at the point now (finally!) where he wants more for his life. It has been a very long and trying three years but some maturity has finally kicked in. He now knows homelessness is no longer an option and will only keep him in a cycle of poverty, drug abuse and possibly more trouble with the law. I wish it didn’t take jail to get him to figure this out but people have different rock bottoms, I guess. I cannot tell you how to help your son as far as what to purchase or not purchase for him when he becomes homeless because I think that is a personal choice and sometimes you need to do for them what brings you comfort but without enabling them. In my case, I would drop off food for my son occasionally, or take him out and buy him a meal. One of our members, JMom, bought her homeless son a tent. My strongest advice would be not to make it too easy on him because he has made a very hard (and bad) choice and he needs to feel it. That is the hardest part. Letting them feel the result of their poor choices and if necessary as a lesson, fail. I feel for you so much, because he is still young and immature, probably fantasizing how great this homeless and free life will be when we all know how utterly ridiculous that is. And he will have to learn the hard way as so many of these difficult kids do. I would keep the lines of communication open if you can, and let him know he is loved. But keep your boundaries as you have done already and work hard not to enable him. Keep posting here and keep us updated. It helps. The next few years may be real difficult depending on the choices your son makes. But it is possible to come out the other side, possibly with some strong lessons learned. I think he will have to grow up some before that is possible, though. And my son is just beginning his ascent into maturity. He could stumble, of course. But what I always tell him is that as long as he is trying to help himself, if I am able, I’ll help him. (Help, not enable—always a fine line) Be sure to take good care of yourself during this time because it’s so easy to let these kids dominate our thoughts and keep us in a depressed or anxious state. There are lots of ideas on this board for self care. Best wishes to you. [/QUOTE]
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