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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 659157" data-attributes="member: 17461">Those shaming, intensely disorienting feelings of deja vu are where I have been working.&nbsp; When the feelings were too intense, I called in Maya Angelou or Lisa V or the black lady from Matrix to hear to witness for me.&nbsp; I would listen to what they thought of what they had seen.&nbsp; They saw a grown woman hurting a little girl.&nbsp; When I was alone with it, I could only see, I could only rehear and refeel what had happened through my abuser's eyes.&nbsp; In her eyes were the feelings of the deja vu incident.&nbsp; In calling in witnesses, in posting about the things I found so shaming I didn't want anyone to know, I was able to disbelieve the condemnation in the abuser's eyes.I was able to feel disgust for the abuser's actions through Maya or Lisa.&nbsp; I was able to stand for and to see for myself through so much of it, because I knew you and Copa were here.&nbsp; I knew you did not believe those things of me.I do not believe those things your mother said to you either, SWOT.Like my mom did too, your mother lied.I am happy for you that your therapist is such a good person.&nbsp; When you go back to rescue that little girl that you were then, you will not be alone with it, either.That will make all the difference, SWOT.&nbsp; Copa and I will be right here, too.***Those deja vu feelings are what people who have been repeatedly traumatized ~ even brainwashed soldiers, even savagely abused adult women ~ come to believe is the real truth about them, however wonderful a person they really may be.&nbsp; That is why so many of us may marry an abusive mate, or can be so easily targeted by predators.&nbsp; We have a kind of fascination regarding abusive interaction.&nbsp; We keep trying to re-enact the abuse so we can heal it.&nbsp; Most often, we are retraumatized, instead of healed, in those kinds of relationships.&nbsp; ***Where well-mothered children have a beaming, satisfied mother looking into the child's eyes, we have whatever emotion was being glared into us by our angry or contemptuous abusing moms.&nbsp; It isn't that we cannot live fully happy lives with that material in our pasts.&nbsp; We can.&nbsp; But for me at least, I became aware that those unresolved hurts were affecting me in the present.They are gone, now.The memories are emotionless shells of themselves when they were vibrantly toxic.It will be okay, SWOT.&nbsp; We are meant to be whole. Cedar</blockquote>

[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 659157, member: 17461"] Those shaming, intensely disorienting feelings of deja vu are where I have been working. When the feelings were too intense, I called in Maya Angelou or Lisa V or the black lady from Matrix to hear to witness for me. I would listen to what they thought of what they had seen. They saw a grown woman hurting a little girl. When I was alone with it, I could only see, I could only rehear and refeel what had happened through my abuser's eyes. In her eyes were the feelings of the deja vu incident. In calling in witnesses, in posting about the things I found so shaming I didn't want anyone to know, I was able to disbelieve the condemnation in the abuser's eyes. I was able to feel disgust for the abuser's actions through Maya or Lisa. I was able to stand for and to see for myself through so much of it, because I knew you and Copa were here. I knew you did not believe those things of me. I do not believe those things your mother said to you either, SWOT. Like my mom did too, your mother lied. I am happy for you that your therapist is such a good person. When you go back to rescue that little girl that you were then, you will not be alone with it, either. That will make all the difference, SWOT. Copa and I will be right here, too. *** Those deja vu feelings are what people who have been repeatedly traumatized ~ even brainwashed soldiers, even savagely abused adult women ~ come to believe is the real truth about them, however wonderful a person they really may be. That is why so many of us may marry an abusive mate, or can be so easily targeted by predators. We have a kind of fascination regarding abusive interaction. We keep trying to re-enact the abuse so we can heal it. Most often, we are retraumatized, instead of healed, in those kinds of relationships. *** Where well-mothered children have a beaming, satisfied mother looking into the child's eyes, we have whatever emotion was being glared into us by our angry or contemptuous abusing moms. It isn't that we cannot live fully happy lives with that material in our pasts. We can. But for me at least, I became aware that those unresolved hurts were affecting me in the present. They are gone, now. The memories are emotionless shells of themselves when they were vibrantly toxic. It will be okay, SWOT. We are meant to be whole. Cedar [/QUOTE]

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