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Message: <blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 659161" data-attributes="member: 1550">I read every word of your post, Copa, and I felt your pain and I'm so sorry. I validate your feelings 100%. I validate your experience. I know it was that bad.One thing I can not validate is that you ruined your son. You did not. You adopted a child who,  if anything, had a rough start and challenges due to this own birthparents and drugs in his little body before he was even born. You did not meet him until  he was almost two a nd whatever happened to him before that could have caused his brain wiring to further be different. You did all you could for him and probably stimulated him so he reached a level he probably would not have met in somebody else's care. He is a struggling adult now. This is more typical than atypical for a child who was drug exposed in utero and adopted older than infancy. There is only so much you can do to erase the problems that you had nothing to do with. You did not fail your son. You FEEL like you did. Please, please remember that feelings are not facts. I know. I do that myself sometimes. "I *feel* worthless, therefore I am."It is nonesense for both of us. Copa, you can and I hope you do keep following your dreams. I will keep reading and pray for you and send you healing vibes. After I realized that my mother had thrown me to the dogs, it took me about two years to work on it before I accepted what it was. I never saw the writing in her will and wonder what she said about me. She would have made certain I could not contest the will, not that I had any intention of wasting my time or money. I didn't care about what was in the will or getting her possessions. I cared that she never loved me, that is all. Sometimes I think I'd like to get a copy of the will, but I know better. There is no reason for me to read what she had said about me.  Why open that wound? Most of the time, when I am now HERE, I do not consciously even think of her anymore. To read that will would be masochistic and I am grateful that I never got a copy of it. And it will remain a secret to me, what was in it. Her words. Her slap from the grave. Copa, I think you will get over grieving your mother. I mean, you have no choice. Don't let her destroy you forever. Please don't. I know it seems here like I think about my FOO all the time, but I don't. Most of the time they are absent and I am happy. My trigger was when I found that Thing 2 was spying on me in this forum and I felt the need to suddenly purge all of them from my system once and for all. And so I'm here, doing it in writing, which is my go-to coping mechanism and way of expressing myself. And I will do it until I have said it all to you two because even my therapists never heard it all. One just doesn't have enough time in a therapist's office to talk about these things. Plus I have day-to-day issues to discuss more often than now. So you two are hearing my heart, like nobody else ever has, not even my beloved friends from Illinois. I did not KNOW my heart back then. I do now.Copa, don't let them win.I refuse to let them destroy me. Let them say I lie. Let them laugh. I won't know. I will never know. I don't care.Living well is the best revenge <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile    :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" />Hugs to you. Wishing I could give you a REAL hug.</blockquote>

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