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Message: <blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 659239" data-attributes="member: 1550">Maybe you made a limit you and he are not feeling good about. There are limits and then there are LIMITS. When my son was rude to me, I told him I would hang up for now, but that we could try again in a few days. And we did. And he was usually nicer. And now he has been nice for a long time.We do not have to make harsh all or nothing deals with our kids. And when they say things that hurt us, we don't have to react the way they want us to. Your son can not possibly be like your mother or father in any real way because he doesn't share their DNA.If it were me, I would not say things such as "you disappoint me" or "you are living in a way I can't accept." I may have said it at one time long ago, but not anymore. I would say, "You are choosing the way you live your life. We can meet for lunch once a week." I would not cut it off completely because it hurts YOU and it makes him feel like you really didn't want him after all. I would continue limited contact and talk about light things and if he tries to get nasty, try to ignore and turn it around. He DOES have challenges. Not all challenged adults can go out on their own and make it. Some need help from social services. It is not doing too much to show them where to go and what is available to them. Perhaps this would make you b oth feel better. I think everyone does better if he/she feels somebody cares. He may think you no longer care. Adopted kids, in particular, always feel that abandonment in the back of their heads. My well-adjusted adopted daughter Jumper told me once, "Adoption should be considered a special need." I get what she meant. It's harder to know you are not, for whatever reason, with the parents who gave birth to you.Should you go no contact with your son?It will hurt you too much and probably make him feel worthless. I wouldn't. I have never knowingly gone no contact with an adult child. I have had to cut it off with Goneboy as this was his idea, but I would not have done it myself. And Goneboy is was very confused by his identity. Am I Chinese? Am I yours? Can I love you? Do I want to love you? I think I want to be Chinese. I will marry a Chinese girl. I will have kids who will be raised in Chinese culture. He also uses extreme religion as part of his identity. He is part of a church, a very strict church. I understand. Must have been hard to come here at six after living in an orphanage in another country.I'm babbling now and not sure what I mean anymore. I hope I did not offend you. I just feel your pain and think no contact is perhaps cruel to yourself and I want you to have joy in your life again, although I want that joy to come from YOU and not from taking care of other people. You can see your son without caring for him. You do not have to approve of what he is doing in order to accept it. It is what it is, but you still love him and want him in your life. A few moms see their adult kids once a week or so and no longer judge their lifestyles as right or wrong, but simply different.</blockquote>

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