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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 659246" data-attributes="member: 18958">SWOT, I just realized something important. I keep beating myself up with pictures of her house and descriptions of her neighborhood, to hurt myself, just as you were doing with borderline. It is like, I cannot righteously just live a sweet, nice, loving life without bashing myself with my sister's stuff and the way she has chosen to live...which is nowhere and nothing like I live or would choose to live. And I really, really do not understand why.  Because for years and years *up until my mother's illness and death, I could really care less what she had or did not have. Actually, I was always a bit contemptuous inside myself of her materialism, her desire and need to feel better than other people...to be the 1 percent.  Always, I have been the 99 percent and never would want to be otherwise.So this reading about her neighborhood and looking at the pictures of the house or the furniture is self-abuse, too. The reason, I do not know. Because I would never want to live as she does.Except I do understand one thing: I am forcing myself to look at what my sister values, and by that I am entering into and buying into her system of value and her place in it.  And in that I am empowering her, that her that is represented inside of me, part of me where I hold her.  I am yielding that space to her, I am allowing her to co-opt me, and making myself small, in her thrall. Of her high status, of her stuff. I am letting her hold me hostage for those minutes I do this.  On purpose. I am allowing it.And it makes me wonder if this is related to the same force that propels me to go back to bed, and believe this is my destiny.SWOT, now that I write this, I realize that when you go through the motions of reviewing the borderline diagnosis, it may be similar.You may do it to give power to your abusers, just as I am serving my sister. As a power dynamic. And we need to pay attention to the triggers. What is going on inside us and with us when we need to subordinate ourselves to them, and need to bow down to them, or take ourselves down so as to not be bigger or better than they.SWOT. Me too. I was just looking at my small collection of cast iron dutch ovens and frying pans. Because if i ever get out of bed we want to start camping and fishing.   I'm right there with you, SWOT.</blockquote>

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