Reply to thread

Message: <blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 659359" data-attributes="member: 1550">Thank you too, Cedar.As time slips by and I see no hint of her existence, what she wants to think about me is irrelevant (mostly). Can't say it doesn't hurt a little. But she has never looked into Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which has borderline symptoms, but not the lack of heart. I am so 100% sure that's what it is with me and I have therapist validation in this. She brought it up. I'd never heard of this problem. It is not as well known as borderline. It is some borderline traits with a heart. I have no doubt I have a good heart. Even E. couldn't convince me otherwise, not even when I was little.The two of you have hearts that supersede mine though. You keep loving, even after abuse, even after your eyes are wide open. I think I am too damaged or maybe too therapy-ized to love those who have shown contempt for me."She makes up these lies about our childhood." Or something like that.That cut off my love in mid-stream. I can't do anything to get it back.You two both have my admiration. I.Just.Can't.Do.It.Here is an interesting note I remembered; a sad  memory from ten years ago. Before my BFFF&F died, we used to call one another our only REAL sisters as she had sister issues too and we were so close and shared so much love and caring. She is the biggest loss of my lifetime as far as somebody who died.Another shocking moment to me: I forgot this until just now. Wow.I bawled like a baby when I was at her wake. It was embarassing. Even her kids were more composed so I hid to compose myself. I also bawled like a freaken baby when my mother-in-law and my ex's grandmother died (my grandmother-in-law). In fact, ex had to whisper, "STOP IT!" to me. He had a stoic family and I was crying so hard it was making a scene. I was in such a state of grief.I did not cry a tear for mother. I don't remember crying when anyone in my family died, even my grandmother whom I loved dearly. In grandmother's case, I tried w ith success to block it out, like it had not happened and forced myself not to think about it. I did grieve later on, but not right afterward. I kept it all inside and refused to feel it. It was too overwhelming to let go and strong feelings scared me.I have never grieved for the loss of my mother or Vain uncle. I grieved for our bad relationship and for the mother I wished she been and for how my own mother had not loved me, but not for her, the person. Uncle, well, I think right after I Heard about it and got off the phone, I went on to have a nice day.I think it's possible all of us have complex post traumatic stress disorder. It is not the same as plain PTSD in which you had a horrific, scary experience that you can't forget. It is chronic neglect/abuse, especially at a very young age, such as infancy to three. It lives on and continues and is worse the longer you are abused. In my case, it actually did not completely stop until my sister said "It didn't happen." That's when the abuse ended as I will no longer allow her any part of my life. Ever. That was about the meanest thing anyone can say to an abuse victim. That just seemed to do it. I'm done.</blockquote>

Verification