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Message: <blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 659409" data-attributes="member: 1550">Copa, your mother did not leave you out of her will. That said it all. She did not consider me her daughter. I do not love her. If she had asked for my help (but she did not) I don't know what I would have done. There were the others who coudl do it better and I had a husband and kids to take care of. I would never have brought my mother into my house. It just would not have happened Nor would I have committed my life to her because she did not commit any of hers to me other than to hurt me. I felt no obligation t o take care of her nor do I feel badly that I don't love her. I mean, maybe that makes me terrible, but I don't put much into DNA. It is just an accident of birth. Could we have adopted and loved children not of our own DNA if we felt otherwise?I could have had more bio. kids. I chose not to, partly because my DNA (not just my mothers) scared me. But I wanted a lot of kids, so I adopted and it worked out well. Most of it did.I think I would have had some contempt if my mother had come crawling to me when she was dying, after having been so horrible to me before that. I think I would have seen it as her using me once again. I do not mean this is what happened to you, but my mother and I had a different relationship. She truly had never wanted me and didn't approve of me on any level. And, at the end, I felt the same about her.Copa, eight years before my mother developed brain cancer, she had a brain tumor and needed surgery. Although the doctors apparently told 1 and 2 that this was not related to her eventual brain cancer, who knows? They can never get out 100% of a tumor and tumors can turn into cancer.As my mother went through her brain surgery the first time, she told EVERYBODY in the family, even her ex husband (my father) not to let me know about it. Apparently she was desperate not to have me visit her. It puzzles me that she thought I'd run to her side. She was that arrogant that she thought I would. Maybe I would have, but even I can't say. It was not a given. But she was vain enough to expect me to run to her side even though she had treated me like crapola all of my life and had probably by then written me out of her will, although I didn't k now that yet (strongly suspected it and actually didn't think about her will much). So nobody told me she had brain surgery so I had no choice whether to show up or not. Whether to love her s till or not.That was one big thing, once I found out, that zapped a ton of my love for her. Nobody EVER told me. Eventually on one of my calls I made to her (because s he never called me) s he told me. I think she partly told me to let me know how little I meant to her. When I asked her why I hadn't been allowed to know she hemmed and hawed and finally said, "You knkow...you're  high strung." Moreo of that "you're inadequate" stuff.What made her think I'd be high strung because she was sick? Yes, I called her. I felt it was t he right thing to do and I truly wanted resolution in this lifetime, not in the after life or another life, which I believe happens. But I hadn't seen her for so many years by then I can't imagine being distraught over her illness, no matter how awful it was. I'm sure, if t he it had been  t he other way around, she would not have been distraught over ME. I am not quite sure what that was all about, but I do know she thoroughly expected me to run to her side if I knew. And I was healing by then. I had a family I put way before her. My husband and kids came way before her. Heck, my friend with cancer came before her. THEY CARED FOR ME.So, Copa, I do not know if I would have loved her or allowed her to love me. I wanted to resolve our differences, such as talking over what had gone wrong. That did not mean I wanted to have a relationship with her other than to talk to her on the phone maybe once a month or once every two months just because I felt it was the bigger thing to do. This woman had not acknowledged my kids, who had done NOTHING to her, and did not even know the two I had with my husband. She hated my husband because he stuck up for me against her bothering my son, which she had no business doing.Copa, I can not imagine that I would have taken two years away from the family I loved so much to nurture a woman who I would have felt only wanted me because she was dying and alone. I don't think it ever would have been like it was with you and your mom.Don't get me wrong. I wish I'd had a loving, nurturing mother who cared for me, but I didn't. And I was beyond the point of denial. I knew how s he felt about me, at least partly. It still hurt when she provd it by disinheriting me, but I knew. And I did not even ask to see the will. I knew how she felt about me and had too much pride and enough self-esteem at that time to say, "If you don't care for me, why should I waste my energy loving you?" I was 51 when she died and had come a long way by then.After I met and married my husband, we adopted two kids right away and they became my world and still are (as well as my o ther kids). I learned with my husband how it felt to be valued.Copa, I think I would have helped find her a nursing home or a hospice (I am good at networking) and found a kind place for her, but would not have participated in the care, if I had been the only child and she had still treated me as she did. And I would have had strong family support from my husband and children let her be alone.My oldest kids and husband knew first hand how she had treated me. My hsuband had held me many nights when I cried in his arms and told him about what she or maybe Thing 2 (when we were "off) had done to me. My REAL family would not have wanted me to waste my energy on somebody who didn't even feel love for me when she held me as an infant and child. And I would have known who wanted what was best for me...and it wasn't E.My kids, her un-grandchildren, didn't love her either. She acted like the ones she HAD briefly met  were the most unimportant people in the world. The other two kids never asked to meet her. Which is good. She wouldn't have met my two youngest, Sonic and Jumper. She never saw them. Not once. She was not interested in being with me at the hospital when Jumper's birthmother gave birth to her. I got to watch the birth. My un-mother was not there. She never sent a baby card. She never sent a gift. These things are things I expected her to ignore, but can not overlook. They show that to me even my children were nothings. Now you can dis me and I can handle it a bit longer than if you dis my children. That is a dealbreaker. How could I love somebody who never met two of my most cherished possessions, my babies? I don't see how.So I think you are assuming I would do what you had done because you are thinking of you and your mother. I am a different person and my circumstances were different. I saw what a loving, caring angel of a mother was when I had been married to my ex. She loved me more than my mother ever had.I don't think I could have pretended, Copa. That's not the way I am. If I'd treated any of my kids the way she treated me, I would not expect anything from them. And she had a lot of gall to expect me to rush to her side when she had her brain tumor. I doubt it would have happened. I probably would have called her once or twice in the hospital, but that's all. No flowers. No cards. She didn't send me any when I was in the hospital.I am learning to treat people how they treat me, no matter who they are regarding DNA.I do not and never have missed my mother for one day. Just thinking about her gives me the creeps and brings back bad memories.But I'm glad you got what you needed out of your mom's last years, Copa. We all deal with trauma and abandonment in different ways that are right for us and there are no right or wrong answers. Whenever I could, I drove to Illinois and sat with my very ill, cancer ridden friend who I still consider my sister. It didn't cross my mind not to be there for her.</blockquote>

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