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Message: <blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 659426" data-attributes="member: 1550">Copa, I think I get the picture. If I'm even close, you probably are suffering from complex trauma too and I'd like to recommend a book that I'm currently almost finished reading. It was amazing for me in that it brought up something that is just now coming to light...emotional flashbacks. We talked about them in group therapy today (I go to group therapy with other women). It is proven that brains in children who are  not loved right are changed. This is science now, not myth or guessing. The changes can be seen.At any rate, the book is amazing. It's called Complex PTSD From Surviving to Thriving. For me, it has hit every point we've spoken about here and how it affects us. You can give it a try. Can't hurt. If you feel it doesn't speak to you, you can always stop reading it. To me it explains so many things, like why I dissociate so much. I mean, everyone in the world dissociates, but I do it far more than others. This doesn't mean multiple personality. It's just a symptom of those who suffered trauma. Also, it explains why I had a long, long bout with t he scary depersonalization/derealization that I hope to never visit again. Also may explain your depression, why you are so vulnerable as a victim (it is not your fault; it is your (and all of our) wiring. People who were abused tend to get involved in bad relationships until we are better... or else we isolate ourselves from others.I have done both and have even had such bad panic attacks that I was afraid to leave the house.While I never had agoraphobia all the way, there were times I'd be shopping and suddenly feel unreal, like I was going crazy. I remember leaving a filled shopping cart at a grocery store, I was so panicked. This was before cell phones. I ran to the parking lot, feeling very much like I was in a dream, got into my car, and sped all the way home, blowing off red lights. I was lucky I didn't get a ticket or crash. I was in full panic mode until I got home. Home was my "safe" place only my ex was not really that safe. Still, at least the panic attack stopped. But that happened a lot during certain times in my life. Fight or flight. Trauma. You think you are there again, although often you don't know where THERE is...A fear of abandonment is paramount in CPTSD. Why? Well, our  parents pretty much abandoned us when we were very little and our subconscious remembers."I couldn't hold you because you stiffened so I propped a bottle."That is very unhealthy. Babies need to be held. Then she complained that, at around four or five, when she tried to hug me, I'd push her away. Gee, I wonder why. But, of course, it was MY fault at the ripe old age of 4 or 5. At these tender ages all babies and children need to be touched, to be held, to be soothed, to be loved. You don't stick a bottle in a crib (of chocolate milk, no less) and prop a bottle. Maybe you had a similar infancy or early childhood or worse. (I always feel that what happened to me wasn't bad enough).I also wonder why it bothers me so much that Uncle Vain called me "the brat" in the apartment we lived in (also must have been younger than 5 as I went to kindergarten in the suburbs). And my mother laughed, or just said, with a smile, "Oh, Vain, stop." I knew s he didn't care. It hurt me a lot. I was a kid. I didn't want to be a brat. He referred to me as "the brat" for years and if it made me cry and throw a tantrum, it was my fault. After all Vain didn't do anything wrong.I have a bad habit of rambling, even when I speak, and to interrupt people because I get so nervous and edgy while they are talking...I wonder if this is part of the stress stuff. I'll have to find out. Anyway, I'm ramgling now so I'll stop.I hope you try the book. You may see yourself in it and it has helped me at least talk back to my inner critic and to calm myself when I have an emotional flashback (they are NOT fun, and they are numerous).Copa, I used to feel an emptiness in the pit of my stomach I called "the void." I felt lonely even in a room full of people. Copa, that is gone...has been gone for some time. I guess I found the right peeps. But if YOU feel that void, you can overcome it too and not feel lonely anymore. Amazing how one can be  at a room filled with people and feel so very small and insignificant and so scared and shy and a lonely...take care. We are with you. You're NOT alone.</blockquote>

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