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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 659487" data-attributes="member: 18958">SWOT, I am so grateful to you for your response.  I teared up. It is so validating and like in a sense I feel protected.I mean, you are shocked too. Like it really is not understandable by somebody who is not like they are. It is like Cedar says, we try to understand them based upon our mindset and we are absolutely clueless.But I keep trying to understand, and when I can't, I think it must be because I am the guilty one.Even when Cedar spells it out for me, gives me a map, I still end up holding the bag.I think really I need to go that final step, I forget what you called it, where you erase them completely, no Zillow, no Neighborhoodscout.com, no Urban Sophisticates. Nothing.I mean not even trying to understand. Because I will never, ever understand.M, too, is terrified of her, for me. Because he thinks she will come after me someday.  After she has run through her money, she will come for what little I have, and attack me for it.But I did protect my Mother, to the extent I was able. But not really.How was it that my Mother had to be betrayed by my sister at the end? What is it that made my sister twist the knife, at the end, when she could?  Why, then, when she could have at any point in the last 40 plus years, moved away from her. Honorably.And there was no fight over caring for my mother. My sister never suggested that she would help her. She just wanted to get her out of the way to control what she had. Even though my mother continued competent throughout and after. My sister did not care whether she was or was not. Because the reality of anything never did matter. Just, I want it. It's mine. I will get it.And the expectation that I would roll over to everything, where does that come from? When she knows or should know that I never did, and would never likely do so?  Why has she persisted in assuming that I would be so compliant or passive or permissive?  To anything she wants to do or to take?  Is this really who I am?  Does she think she weaves a magic spell whereby I freeze or am numbed and rendered completely unable to act? Like in a Fairy Tale? Does she feel that she has the goods on me, some hidden power or means to extort?Or is it that she has a fantasy of unlimited omnipotence? Or believes that because my mother acted in such a way, she can too? Without rebuke or consequence?I really, really do not know. But I should. Coming to think of everything as my fault is a child's response. Like what I wrote to you about your Mother, that you blamed yourself because it was the only way you could make sense of her behavior towards you. It was so scary to you that your mother could do that to you, you made it your fault so at least you would feel some control and order in your world.If I was not such a bad little girl, she would not be doing this to me.I think I have gone through my life feeling such.If all of this happens around me, it must be my fault.Even knowing it is not.Thank you, SWOT. For bearing witness.</blockquote>

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