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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 659577" data-attributes="member: 18958">I love this idea. But what would be the reason? And where would we go friend here? I mean, where do I want to go with her?  Is there any place to go with somebody like her?Would I tell her that I am sorry for what she has suffered? No, because that would be an invitation to her to blame and hurt me.Would I ask about my nieces, when secretly I do not care?Would I share how we are, when I do not trust what she would do with it?I could tell her that I found pictures and ask her if she wants copies?  That is the only thing that would be neutral enough.  Neither asking or wanting anything from her. And completely neutral, no blaming or inviting blame. This I could do.She will not answer the phone. The area code would be a giveaway. I would have to leave a message. Do I tell her in the message that it is about pictures, or do I just leave my name and number?My sister did this with her husband...about me. I found it so rude that 9 years later I still ruminate about it, wishing I had stopped everything right there, and told her: I find that very rude what you are doing.A week or so ago a friend of ours asked M if I would loan him a thousand dollars, to fix his brother's car, which he was driving.I seem to have an asterisk next to my name as the one who has money, and M's family members, and now this friend, want me to be their bank.M always wants to give everything to everybody.If he had money, there would soon be none. He is no help.So, when the friend, a very nice and trustworthy young man, asked me, I said I wanted to talk it over with M and get back to him.I told M, this. And it was hard. My responsibility is to you, to J (my son) and to your Mother. That is it. If I the cost of having friends is supporting them, I choose to not have them. Better alone. Nobody that I can remember has ever repaid a loan I have made them.  But more than that, this young mas is responsible for his financial choices. Not me. What about all of the credit he has accumulated? And the new car note?  I will not loan money to him or anybody.And I sat with the feelings. What will he and M think of me? What does it feel like to be that person who said NO. And you know what, it felt good. Very good. Clean. Clarity. Better than before. I had defined myself.With respect to your sister asking for things, I find this disgusting. Why in the world should you be responsible to buy her anything, that you do not initiate. The shame is hers, but like my sister, she sees it as yours to carry. How sick.I would say no, just on principle. She sets it up so that you are forced to carry the negative: hoarding your money, selfish, poor, miserly. Pick your poison.  And that is what she does.Why not say, buy it yourself. Tell the truth. Volley it right back to her.Yes, I believe this is so. But the elephant in the room, Cedar, is that their love comes with spikes embedded in it. Or trick doors. Or fart pillows. Or it explodes. Or implodes.And we will always be injured, or covered in sh-t, or fall on our face. Because that is the plan. They will not do otherwise.  They cannot. At least towards us.So, the question is this. I can call my sister about the pictures I found which I know she would want. And just like the grieving family members in Charleston SC I can extend forgiveness, knowing she stole my pictures and my stuff to hurt me.But beyond that where do I want to go with her? And that worthless husband of hers that makes be sick? That is the 60000 peso question? Or do I leave it open?  And be open to possibility?But Cedar, might it be like the congregants who lost loved ones at Mother Emanuel Church in Charleston? Could she know exactly what your mother is doing? But choose to help her because that is who she is. And because her boundaries are so good and firm that she does not take on the responsibility but most of all the shame for being abused by your mother, and ridiculed by her and your sister, because she is not damaged as are our.What I am saying here is that we, each of us, has a specific key that fits into the specific lock that our sister's and mother's are. That it takes a specific key to open the lock. And the lady does not have it. She does not see or feel the abuse and therefore it does not touch her or have power over her.Other people do not respond as do we. They are immune. They can either turn the cheek, or look past it, because they never own it. The responsibility and therefore the shame are not theirs to accept.And in a way I am stalking my sister by looking at her house on an internet site. And I do so because I am afraid to contact her directly and so I act the coward. But I will change this. Exactly.Yes. Except for at least two things. We have an exquisite sensitivity to their doing it, that others do not have. And two, why subject ourselves to it? For what? What do we have to gain, except for the moral high ground and to define ourselves as non-cowards? Both, important, yes. But there needs to be an exit strategy up front. Because, again, Cedar, is there anywhere to go with them, that is good?Absolutely, I think this is true. Once the feelings come up we scout the environment to find our bad. The feeling needs to be explained, and we explain it, habitually, by searching for what we have done that is bad or wrong.Then, what is the remedy? That is, where to we break the chain? With the feeling or with the cognitive frame that comes immediately after?OK. I do not remember the context in which I lifted this quote, but it is a perfect example of the self-damning frame that we give to the erupton of bad feelings to which we frantically try to explain.In the case of the loan (see above) at first I panicked. And thought about how the ways I would be perceived as bad if I did not go along with the program.  I stopped. And I thought about how I could best protect myself.Actually, I did so in dialog with M. He wanted to give the young man a chance, and framed it that we will need him to help us when we travel, with the house. And that he wants to give us something to mitigate the risk, a gold chain that is worth more than the loaned amount.So I said to M, if you want to loan him the money, sell your car.If it were me, I would want to not put myself in a position where I was assuming responsibility for something that was not my commitment or my obligation. I would want my life to not be encumbered by other people's business.And then I realized, I am me. And this is my voice.So the solution is to give ourselves the space to have a conversation with ourselves about the event. And to make space for those points of view to emerge. Even if it is awkward or inconvenient.To say, I need to think about it and I will get back to you. Even if it is to ourselves. To make space between the demands of the feelings, and the decision about how we decide to explain them. To permit ourselves, to honor ourselves with the opportunity to think about, consider the judgments we make about ourselves.Our sisters by their limitations never consider the judgments they make of us or anybody else, it seems. And we have the unfortunate habit of accepting those judgments, uncritically. We are triggered, experience toxic (what is the word SWOT taught us Emotional Flashback?) affect that fogs our thinking.  The remedy is to build in space to think our way out of it.Thank you, Cedar and SWOTI am not going to read this over right now. So forgive me if there needed to be corrections.</blockquote>

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