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Message: <blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 659636" data-attributes="member: 1550">I had no sense of self at all coming out of my parent's house. I became whoever I was with. That's why I went along with my sister calling my brother gross and ugly. If I had the gonads of an...ant?...I would have told her to stop it, I loved my brother. Back then, I loved him very much. But back then I cheated too. I cheated so much that I didn't even know who or what I was.My sense of self came later when I was away from them and I worked on my codependency which made me simply somebody who tried to please whoever I was with (failing badly). This, by the way, did not include my mother. I resented her from early on and did not try to please her all the time. But, then, I did in some ways. Like sh e was a prude and having sex and doing drugs was the ultimate baaaaaaaaaaaad thing to do when I was a teen. To her. And, partly to be "good" (as I self-talked myself) I lost many boyfriends because I wouldn't let them touch me anywhere sexual, no matter how much they or I cared for them so not many lasted. But I was a virgin when I got married. I also did not do drugs although under tremendous peer pressure. I did not shop lift. I did not break the law at all.Well, once I did. I bought my sister and her friends booze for some high school ballgame. I was about 23 so she was underage, but I did it. Why? It was pretty out of character for me and I can't remember why. I probably wanted too please her and make her think I was cool. My sister welded a tremendous amount of power over me, far more than my brother. I really wanted her to like me. I thought she had it all together and I admired her for that. It was just an illusion I had.When I was in a psychiatric hospital at age 23 for ten weeks for depression, I had to take many psychiatric tests, very detailed. One had questions and I only remember two of them.1. More than anything I want to be _______.2. Most people are ________.I put "good" in both blanks. I never would do that today, but back then all I wanted to be was the good girl that my mother said I wasn't. I so badly wanted to be good. And I had no core.I have a very strong core now, but I had to dump the idea that I had to always be "Good" first. And good to me meant pleasing. You should have seen how much crapola I took from my first husband because I thought I deserved it and wanted him to love me. We have since discussed our own issues in the marriage and become friends, but he had married an empty shell who felt she did not deserve to occupy the earth.Sorry.Carry on.</blockquote>

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