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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 659640" data-attributes="member: 18958">My multi quote is not working. So I copied.&quot;I was teased so badly by people who were allegedly glamorous, or thought they were...They intimated me yet I loathed them.&quot;&nbsp; SWOTSWOT, can you see that I loathed myself, and may still do so?That I felt that I had less value to my mother than one of her coats?&nbsp; And that that scheme of value, existed pretty much for her whole life?And that even though I lived my life opposing it, and doing everything I could to become a good and substantial person, that old standard became resurgent now that I am so depressed.It is not my standard of value, but it is the standard against which I value myself. And I seem to loath myself, because I cannot measure up, now.And it is pathetic that an old woman, feels trapped in a body that is old and hurting and fat...and feels she does not even deserve to live if she cannot pretend she has value.And being stunning or thinking I could be something of value when with my sister, because look at the word I wrote: Stun. Like knock out. Or temporarily robbing somebody of their power.Because if you look at what I wrote, I described somebody that felt temporarily untouchable because the ability of others to harm her, was momentarily neutralized.I am describing a person who feels so vulnerable, so without defenses, that she cannot even be in relation to others...like her sister...without knocking them out. Like being &quot;a knock out.&quot;And isn't it just so sad, SWOT?&nbsp; That I feel so about myself.I do not and never wanted to be better or have more than anyone at all. All I wanted to be is safe.&nbsp; Not thrown out of my family. Not killed off.I never wanted to attract anybody or compete with anybody. I just wanted to be able to stay in my family. Without being destroyed.</blockquote>

[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 659640, member: 18958"] My multi quote is not working. So I copied. "I was teased so badly by people who were allegedly glamorous, or thought they were...They intimated me yet I loathed them." SWOT SWOT, can you see that I loathed myself, and may still do so? That I felt that I had less value to my mother than one of her coats? And that that scheme of value, existed pretty much for her whole life? And that even though I[I] lived my life opposing it[/I], and doing everything I could to become a good and substantial person, that old standard became resurgent now that I am so depressed. It is not my standard of value, but it is the standard against which I value myself. And I seem to loath myself, because I cannot measure up, now. And it is pathetic that an old woman, feels trapped in a body that is old and hurting and fat...and feels she does not even deserve to live if she cannot [I]pretend she has value. [/I] And being stunning or thinking I could be something of value when with my sister, because look at the word I wrote: Stun. Like knock out. Or temporarily robbing somebody of their power. Because if you look at what I wrote, I described somebody that felt temporarily untouchable because the ability of others to harm her, was momentarily neutralized. I am describing a person who feels so vulnerable, so without defenses, that she cannot even be in relation to others...like her sister...without knocking them out. Like being "a knock out." And isn't it just so sad, SWOT? That I feel so about myself. I do not and never wanted to be better or have more than anyone at all. All I wanted to be is safe. Not thrown out of my family. Not killed off. I never wanted to attract anybody or compete with anybody. I just wanted to be able to stay in my family. Without being destroyed. [/QUOTE]

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