Reply to thread

Message: <blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 659647" data-attributes="member: 1550">It is. The worse part for me is that nobody else saw it or will admit it. I mean, everyone else can pick it up just by:"When I held you I felt nothing, absolutely nothing" and"Stan Mikita,  I caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare! Bobby Hull, I caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare. But you don't give a *&%& about your family or anyone but yourself." The drama, the sarcasm.Others are shocked the few times I confided in somebody who came from a normal loving home (and ours weren't). I tell them my father told me once that not one of us gave him any pleasure, not a moment,  not one."I told somebody who was becoming a close friend.The shock on her face said it all. To me, it was no big deal that he said that. Although I love him dearly maybe because he loves me or hates me as much as the others...lol...he used to say stuff like that a lot. Mother was more specific to me. "You're baaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!" my own siblings did not see it or dismissed it. She abused my father too. Badly. He abused her as well, but not as much in my opinion. She liked to bait people whom she knew were sensitive and quick to feel bad about themselves therefore she could bait them into responding in anger. She did this with me. She did t his with my father. Then she would cry like an innocent victim, as if she hadn't known what she was doing. Not saying either me nor my father should have reacted, but I was just a kid when she started it and my dad was my dad. She knew how to play him. She did. In a very cruel way. I heard her mocking him late at night when nobody was paying attention to me. And I wanted to tell her to just leave him alone so there could be peace in the house. Yes, maybe unfair, but I blamed her as more guilty. He was impuslive. She was deliberately cold and cruel.I was a child when she started to bait  me.Baiting is very abusive. My sister is great at it. I am too, but do not use those skills any longer, I hope."You're a crazy borderline." That's a bait.I didn't take the bait the last time. I won't now.But I will say yes I have always had problems, but, sweetie, yours were just as severe. You just had a better facade and nobody really knew you.Copa, you are such a giving, caring person. I am so sorry you suffered so badly and I do feel it was worse than what happened to me. Cedar as well. But it's all bad. To be a "normal" adult, all a parent has to do is show adequate parenting skills. That is not what our parents did and neither we nor our siblings show normal abilities to have good relationships. Partly, I learned, but I had to get away first.I would never ever ever bait my children, kids or adult. Ever. It's so mean. I would never slap any of them from the grave. I could not do it and feel ok with myself.I am basically a logical thinker, though, a nd although we have had it rough, so many others do too. Most who do end up with intimacy issues, attachment disorders, fakeness, codependency, abandonment issues...the whole slew.I find myself looking at parents in stores. My God, they look so YOUNG.And I see the ones who coo and smile at their children and those who are rough with them to see if I can guess how their life at home is. I was working once at Goodwill and some lady and her husband were deriding a little boy, calling him a girl, laughing at how he was acting like a girl because he wanted a doll and cried when he couldn't have it. They made "he's a girl" jokes all the way until they walked out of my hearing range while the poor little poor, maybe three, cried piteously. I wanted to confront them. It made me so angry inside. The harm they were doing. Making fun of their son, who was so small and innocent.This verbal abuse continues today and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder will live on to see another day.But we are healing from it by being real about it to one another and the hell if somebody else doesn't believe us. This is good for me. For once, I am doing what is good for me.And my mother, sister and brother (and uncle, whatever part he has in this) did not make me hateful to my REAL peeps. They were unsuccessful at making me people I was so bad that I could not raise a loving family. And have a loving parnter. And be loved.All of our FOOs failed to destroy us. I do not feel destroyed anymore. It's been inside of me, waiting to come out, but since getting married the second time, I have no complaints about my life at all except for  my FOO whenever they surface for some drama. And they can't anymore.I already quit the part of scapegoat.And I won't cheat.</blockquote>

Verification