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Message: <blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 659709" data-attributes="member: 1550">Mornin', ladies.Getting that first cup of coffee before getting ready for work. This is my loooooooooong week (I work the weekend). Cedar, thanks for noticing I wasn't there. I didn't even notice...lol. I had a proper day off for once. I did a few chores in the morning, then read, read, read, then took a nap, which I almost never do. We watched a movie tonight. It rained. Hard. Peaceful. Today...back to the grind.Cedar, I'm glad you have this activity you like. I've thought of joining a book club too. I'm happy you enjoy the company there. My daughter Princess is a pastry chef, although she quit to take care of the baby. It was a long day.  Boy, do we enjoy the holidays when she's the one cooking!!!I mostly burn things. I'm not normal t hat way. I  don't really enjoy the normal "girl" stuff most women like to do. Or I don't have the patience. Or I'm not good at those activities.  Or all three. I have to have my mind or body engaged or I get bored. ADHD. Don't like to dress up either. The only thing I do that's a little girly is always make sure my gray hair is colored. I do have a vain side and like being told I look young. And I do. Last week somebody said she thought I was about 52. I liked that. Maybe I'm more  narcicistic then I think I am. Please...be nice to yourself. Do see these good people. Don't punish yourself. I get to see my awesome therapist today. I only see her twice a month.She would tell you to do it, even if you don't feel like it, and you'll perk up. You would like her, even though you don't like most therapists. You would like this one. She is so kind. She has so much insight. She listens so well, looking right at you, giving such incredible feedback. One of my favorite therapists of all times.  I actually believe she's a psychologist. She's the one who insisted I have complex post traumatic stress disorder and why. And she told me why I can't possibly have borderline and to stop diagnosing myself and to not listen to others who don't have degrees and just want to hurt me.She is kind but wise and has wonderful coping skills. I will share anything I may learn today (this is after work).It is hard to find a really good therapist. I've had a lot through the years. I've had a few stand outs. I've had a few lemons who looked bored or almost seemed like they were going to fall asleep.They were men, of course. I learned to only go to women for a better chance of a connection. I need therapists. And I like self-help groups too.I am going to take a ten week class to be a peer specialist for the recovering mentally ill. My therapist suggested it and I LOVE to help people, being codependent (although not as badly as before). They need older folks who have been there/done that and come out all right in the end. I remember what a mess I was as a child, teen, and young adult.When I was in the hospital for ten weeks (I put myself in because of suicidal depression), I was the kid. I can not tell you how kind t he older patients were to me. I can't tell you how much that helped. I was so scared at first. By the end of the ten weeks, I could see somebody having a psychotic episode and not be afraid, only feel badly for the person. The "depressives" were a compassionate group. We were the "normal" ones. We did not get psychotic. We were helpers to those who were sicker. The nurses saw that I was fairly intelligent and eager to learn and let me read textbooks on psychology, which took up a lot of my time, when I could concentrate. Depression can zap your concentration. I lost myself in books and learned a lot. I talked to the other patients and learned a lot. I came out of there feeling as if this were one of the best experiences of my life, and I still feel that way. This was at a major medical center university. It was in a "bad"  neighborhood, but I trusted the hospital. I learned one more lesson. I learned what it feels like to be in the minority. Most of the patients and a good slice of staff were African-American. Some did not like me because of that, but most were kind...so kind. To this day I still get angry when people are bigoted."You don't know what you're talking about." That's what I think.Of course, Sonic and Jumper are African-American. Well, Jumper is bi-racial.I don't know why I felt the need to talk about t hat. It wasn't a bad experience. I felt validated. I took a ton of psychiatric tests, including the famous and still used MMPI test. I think it has 600 questions. When my psychiatric came to my room to give me the results, I cowered in fear. I thought he would say I had schizophrenia or multiple personality disorder. I can still feel the fear now. I started to cry. I was 23.I had not only taken the MMPI, but the famous ink blot test and that test where  you had to fill in the blanks...don't know the name of that one.He said, "You're normal."I remember being shocked. "I am?""Yes, and it showed you didn't lie so the results are accurate." Something like that. They have "lie" questions to trip you up but I really wanted to know so I told the truth the best I could.Some questions were really hard to answer. You wanted to added, "Yes, but...." But you can only tick yes or no."You have depression, but no thought disorder."Ok, well, duh, I knew I was depressed. I felt very relieved.Ten weeks later I had to take the test again before I could leave and my mood came out  normal.But my struggle with depression was long and hard. I have never been medication free since then because I can't stay level without antidepressants, but that's ok. I think of it like diabetes. But it took a good ten years to find the medication combo that didn't only work 50%. This combo works about 90%. Through the years I've received a number of diagnoses, but the consistent ones are mood disorder not otherwise specified (which used to be called bipolar II (bipolar without mania), generalized anxiety disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) (mild) and panic disorder. Almost every therapist gave me these diagnoses. Starting in my 30's, the trauma issue came up, but you know...I always told them no, it was my fault, I was a bad kid, blah, blah, blah. Since my 30's that has been something my therapists bring up too, but it is newer at being recognized unless you were a war veteran. Recognition of emotional flashbacks is fairly new.Anyhow, there. I shared more. That's why my FOO calls me "crazy." Because  I went for help and they didn't...lol. Yet all of them needed it. None of t hem do "life" well.Anyway, I hope you both (and anyone else reading) have a nice, peaceful day. You are strong, good people and deserve a good day!</blockquote>

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