Reply to thread

Message: <blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 659784" data-attributes="member: 17461">This is good imagery for me, SWOT.  Thanks!So, on this phase of my journey, I am examining the emotional feel of FOO, and of myself.  I too am anxious or worried or anticipating and trying to be prepared in advance of the crisis, whatever direction it comes from.  I think that we each may choose a new feeling tone now, for our lives and for this time.  We are aware now of the music and scents and colors of our lives, past, present, and future, if that is an easier way to see it.  We have the concept "emotional flashback".  This has been a priceless concept for me to have.  To be able to identify the feelings and simply sift through them, identifying the source, finding the connection to now.  In a way, emotional flashback is a direct line to trauma and to clearing it.Though there are many beautiful memories too, having to do with snow and kittens and my grandmother's wood stove, I would describe childhood as Jack in the Box.  A grinding kind of music, someone else turning the crank and then, something awful and scary and seemingly without meaning.  Or the feel of the circus, when the clowns are known to be bad but the popcorn smells good and the Ferris wheels are flashing and turning and the rollercoaster roars.That calliope music, the colors all a little garish.Funhouse mirrors where we see distorted versions of ourselves. So, what would be the music, what would be the scent and the colors, or the feeling tone, of now?Something rich; the scent of cinnamon, and of pastry and baking and thick, hearty soups.  Perfume, and hot, steamy water, the heat soaking right into our bones.  A flash of brilliant color, on the toes.A beautifully crafted music box, perhaps.  Maybe that is the sound of this time.  Intentional music; intentional time and rhythm and openness.  A kind of sweetness, in that.  Or a concert pianist; fire and passion and intensity and recognition and sharing and thunderous joy and then, silence before applause, all of it, shared.  Smiling, and sincerity and deep gratitude for all of it, all of it.Sparkly sandals and earrings and flashy toenails and scent.Sun ~ a boat roaring across the water!  Sails, flapping and snapping in the wind.  The moon, the waves gentle, the sound of water over sand.Birdsong.The theme music from Rocky; Leonard Cohen's "Halleluiah" ~ the triumph and the truth in it.  Enya.  The Eagles.  Simon and Garfunkel ~ I have been listening to them, lately.  Aretha.Maya.Furniture polish, and the scent of a man, and waking up next to D H.Right this minute, the cat purring beside me, whiskers and beautiful, green eyes.The dog, barking and flashing his eyes at us and demanding treats and sleeping late and making the Chucky move with D H over morning walks.Flowers.We have so many flowers, here.  Tulips and daffodils and iris and peonies and hostas.  Many apple trees that D H planted.  In the Fall, apples and pies and apple squares and water, always water and the crisp northern air, cedar scented here.Rock fireplace, and the magic of home.Hummingbirds.An eagle, rising over the lake with a fish in its talons.Ducks, ducklings; the sound of loons calling for rain.CedarThis is different, for me.  Always before, for so many years, the scents and the sounds were of loneliness.  When would the kids come, how long would they stay, what would I cook, where would everyone sleep, were they alright.  That whole mess with my family or origin, attention diverted from Now.Now I feel home.  Waiting for right now, right this Now.  Savoring would be a good descriptor for this time.  Savoring especially the times of emotional flashback, and following them to their roots, to their genesis.  Awareness that there are different choices to be made about how to see, and about how to be myself.  Maybe, I would describe this as a time of welcoming into me rather than preparing, always preparing, for that family dinner.So many birds, this morning.  The sound of so many birds, calling and singing.SWOT, loving her therapist and so strong and happy now.  That matters, too.  Copa, and M, and something so strong and dramatic, there.  Salsa and steam heat; flashing eyes and rich, rich, laughter.I see you so differently than you do, Copa.The Benedictines; Richard Rohr, Francis of Assisi.Francis, and Jesus and Buddha and the Vietnamese monk.  Esther from Jerusalem, and so I know that little piece about the world we are in; how we live, and how we cherish our lives, all of us.  I remember Esther's story about going to the market, about the wonder of living a life in the shadow of it all.***So, what are the scents and colors and sounds of life now, SWOT and Copa.  If we see and smell and feel for our lives this way, we become present in our new way of seeing and savoring.I had been sad about my FOO.  I had been longing for something that never was.  Nostalgia, so they say, is an interesting illusion.  Something about it being a distillation of haunted desires, and that we wish for things that never were.Still, nostalgia can be a beautiful thing.That would be the difference for me, now.  I am no longer preparing, longing for, that dinner.Ring of crystal.Pretty sound.</blockquote>

Verification