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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 659986" data-attributes="member: 18958">They do it for the worship and the power they feel.I thought I had sent what follows, but I guess, have not.It is interesting now to see this, in relation to your poetry, Cedar.  It calls into question, the whole thing about what a relationship is and can be.  Do I judge M against this dream, this magic and the betrayal of responsibility about which you so eloquently write? Was everything I would do and did a reaction to what had preceded?Is our real life brokenness? And rebuilding, in defiance of what came before?Did I choose, or accept M, because of the reality of his naked need and vulnerability, not in spite of it? Because it was real...Because the fantasy is only that. Or worse.M feels so broken, Cedar. His mother leaves July 7th and there is not one thing he can do to protect her. Her husband keeps her imprisoned in the house and beats her still. What is she returning to he asks? It is not a life.I told him today that he could go with her. This would mean that he could not come back. It could be the end of our relationship, although he would want me to go with him. I doubt I would follow him out of the country, but I might.That is what we had talked about in the first years of our relationship, that we would go together to Argentina and make a life there.What I wanted to say in this message is this. Everything you have written about your husband shows his strength, that he keeps standing and going forward no matter what. And that he protects you and that you feel protected.M has something broken in him.When he was 12 his father stomped on him and kicked him with his boots, after M tried to protect his mother from more beatings. His father threw him out, and he and his brother roamed Mexico for years.He keeps something of himself guarded, always, ready to leave, if he needs to. After a period of prolonged conflict he left his family, wife, job, investments, money, everything. 11 years ago. He had tried to build in his family, what he had lacked. His sister has told me everything was for his family. Everything he worked for was for them.He said last night. I have not left you, yet.I guess what I am saying is that your husband seems as if he is a constant who protects you, gives you a base of security, and certainty.  Kind of like the wedding cake, on which you can be the ballerina.With M, I do not know I have the same.  And yet I get back to over and over again, that I do not want to leave him.  However precarious it is. I do not want to leave him. He is the most security that I have ever known, in another person.The thing is I realize as I type this is that M is not corruptible. He does the right thing as best as he is able. And more. I could have never helped my mother without his guidance and support. And he is with me every step of the way with my son.He is with me. But he is broken, too. And the obstacles against him are everywhere. So, I cannot be the ballerina on the cake, with M.I have to be strong. So, I guess if not the ballerina, I need to be something, someone else.  I could say here, I have not left him, yet.</blockquote>

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