It could be that we are targeted in these ways. I say that all the time when I am angry with someone who has disappointed me. (Therapists, or anyone taking money for promises of assistance, are not included here. They did know better. The status quo was set up in the beginning: I need assistance. Here is money. I can provide assistance; give me your money and check your brain, and everything you think you know about how the world works, at the door. I will be the authority, and you won't.) Other than therapists or those taking money to assist us, it could be that, predator or not, we are all doing the best we know to heal.
I think about that alot, with my sister. Having gone through the numerous betrayals between she and I here, with you two SWOT and Copa, I understand that whatever she needs to do to heal hurts me, and that this is intentional. We have gone through the reasons why I think this may be so, here on this thread. So, I have to take a time away. Maybe, a forever time.
Or until a time when I am healthier.
Addressing the issues is the one thing not allowed between she and I. Not believing that it could be something better than it looks like, and not believing I can mentor or be mentored or be vulnerable in my own pain and confusion ~ to understand that someone ~ anyone, but especially my own sister, my own mother, seem to bear me a deep seated hatred ~ it's a sad, lonely little thing, to acknowledge that.
My mom is a different case. She actively abuses to this day, to the degree that she is able. I can widen my perspective and see that in the way she treats everyone in her life. (Actually this same thing is true of my sister.)
I do have feelings of compassion for my mom. But she is actively determined not to respect. Without respect, there can be no trust. (Also true of my sister.) That is the thing I keep believing I need to do: Trust that the other person is trying to do better than he or she was taught, too.
Sometimes, that is not true.
Anyway, regarding others in our lives. Naturally compassionate, we do not reject those others may shun. We believe we know they can do it, because we know we did it.
But so often, they don't.
As the relationships intensify, it could be that old patterns or old brokenness come front and center and BOOM everyone feels betrayed. We come up with why we are not the ones at fault, name the other guy a jerk, and go on to do those same kinds of things again.
I had gone through a crisis of faith over that very thing, not so long ago.
Caretaker burnout is rampant among caretakers. It is hard not to judge; when we do judge others for their shortcomings, we lose faith that any of us can come through in positive ways. We learn to mind our own business, and associate ourselves with those who know how to mind their own business, too.
Yet, there is so much pain everywhere. Is it a correct thing to go on seeking and choosing our own healthy path and disregarding racism or poverty or addiction and etc?
Or ignoring animal kill shelters and the costs of no kill shelters?
Or that there are people ~ kids, too ~ in our own neighborhoods who are hungry or lonely or cold or homeless?
There are so many wrongnesses happening in large and small ways.
Then, there are the Benedictines. Their theories revolve around respect for self through identification with God, or with a higher source of wisdom which enables us to see and accept the brokenness of others and also, to acknowledge our own brokenness without self condemnation. There is belief in the benefit of work, and of cleanliness and frugality and of the honor to be found in those things. Humility, and gratitude, and respect for the sense of purpose we create in the meaning we find in our lives, and in service to others, are among their guiding philosophies.
They are very into exchange values. Respect for themselves, and respect, not trust ~ not believing they can and will overcome whatever it is ~ that is the difference, maybe, between the Benedictines and the values they espouse and live within, and me.
The value of exchange.
Which is another way of describing what it is to proceed without slipping in to codependency.
If we are not convinced we have intrinsic value, if we believe we are all just out here on our own doing the best we know, we compromise our own values, find ourselves holding positions or interacting with people we know are not helpful to our stated intentions for ourselves.
As we all have been doing, maybe, with our families of origin.
Healthy people see themselves ~ I don't know. They seem not willing to forgive wrongnesses. They do not tolerate relationships which require believing the other guy can do it.
That is how Freud figured out his theories, you know. He was trying to identify where guilt and shame and wickedness had their genesis, if we do not attribute those things to supernatural forces. (Says me. And I seem to know everything again this morning.)
:O)
Like COM posts to us, she has enough to do keeping herself in order.
That seems true to me, too. All of this has to do with integrity of purpose. Maybe we should create Mission Statements for ourselves.
That's a great idea, actually.
I will learn how to create mine from the Benedictine Mission Statement. I will share it, here. This is a very good thing. With a Mission Statement, we will decide on our purpose, and not lose sight of our path.
I am feeling a little lost, a little without purpose or family or meaningful work, this morning.
I like the idea of creating a Mission Statement, very much.
Cedar
