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Message: <blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 660159" data-attributes="member: 1550">You are doing fantastic!!!! Kudos!  Applause!!!!!There is something about committing to writing that is different from talking about things. At least to me, it seems more real and vivid when I write. When I talk, the background gets in the way.I am sure anger, bitterness, self-hatred and bigotry is at the root of all of our FOO, Cedar. Laughing at my FOO was, in a way, to me...dark humor. Making a play out of them was because I love to write and this kind of satire made me feel better...I could laugh at their ridiculousness and even take good-natured pot shots at myself, which has been a big plus in my life. I can laugh at me and this has been a major coping skill. However, laughing about me and laughing at myself with derision sometimes got skewed.It is ok to love anyone. I love Goneboy. If I'm honest, I can't love him the way I love those who are still in my life. I don't see him and he chose to leave. But I do have love for him and that's not a bad thing. It doesn't hurt me. It gentles me.That I can't love my mother's memory is beyond my control. You have the feelings or not. You can not force yourself to love. When she kicked me out from the grave, that did it. Now I love you. Now I don't. Weird how that happened. I sort of feel the same about my sibs, but that was a slower process. Brother sends me a letter. I don't read it, but I don't have to read it to know it is mean and not meant to reconcile or to ask for understanding. That really made me think, "Who does he think he is? He doesn't even know me. I don't know him. What does 'brother' mean anyway?" I was much nicer to him over all that Sis ever was. But the love died a slow death. I also had to face the fact that he hid from life. And that's why he wrote to me instead of calling me. He has never been able to connect with his peers well. Students, yes. Peers, no.My sister's is more complicated. We had a very on again/off again, good again/bad again relationship, but it WAS a relationship. When she divorced her husband, she had not let me see the real her before that. I had no idea she even had thought about leaving him. She kept everything to herself as I suspect she still does to almost everyone. When I saw the real her, I didn't really want to see it. I didn't like her.I can not bring myself to justify dating a married man who still lives with his wife and has a young child just because the wife may not find out or just because he was younger and the "attention" (her word) felt good or just because the he taught her about sex, as she claimed was not in her marriage. I can't. I know  some people will think I am blowing this out of proportion, but to me it isn't a joke to date a man who still is legally married and has a two year old child too. Obviously, HE has no honor or scruples and she doesn't either. She felt not a twang of remorse or guilt and even cried a few times when he didn't call her. Her friends told her to dump him too. Wasn't just me. But I'm not sure her friends got the "married" part. To me, you don't date a man who is still married, is not filing for divorce, and is  unavailable. It was not the first time I had a look at her morality, but it was the most blatant as she talked to me endlessly about him. Before that, she had done some things I found extremely immoral, but I overlooked them...even enabled her. They had nothing to do with me. They were her choices as a younger person that apparently had not gotten better as time went on. At least, not better to me, and it's hard to talk to somebody who you feel makes immoral choices. Then there was the boyfriend.I noticed early on in that horrible relationship that no matter how much he abused her, disappointed her, lied to her and gave her NOTHING back...she did not cut off all contact with him. Now if I said something she didn't like, she was gone. But he could do anything to her and she not only didn't cut him off, but she tried to analyze him and analyze her own reasons for staying and if she thought they were on the verge of breaking up, she bescame distraught.The difference in her standards as to how I could act or w hat I could say and how horribly HE could abuse her on a weekly basis was not lost on me. Her abuse, cut offs, claims of fake abuse were very personal and had nothing to do with the truth or she would have cut off this man too. She never called t he cops on the man either, even when he followed her to work or texted her when she claimed she didn't want him to. Was she cheating?Anyhow, that died a slower death and a more traumatic one because I had spent all of my life pre-divorce telling myself that she was the one who survived our family sane. It was a shock to have to look at her naked, without blinders. This was somebody very screwed up a nd full of hate specifically for me. So what was good about our relationship? That we laughed sometimes?I am happy she let me see the real her. I do not choose cheaters, drinkers (she can't go out with anybody without drinking) and people who don't like me in my life. She stands for everything I think is wrong with the way people treat one another.Love can die.Often when we take off the blinders and stop cheating.</blockquote>

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