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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 660162" data-attributes="member: 17461">Yes, that is exactly the word, SWOT.Derision.That place where it slips into hatred, and everyone just keeps laughing because we thought we were having such a nice time.Whichever of us it was who described Family Freud ~ I think it was you, SWOT.  And you mentioned vampires.  And that is the feel of that stage for my family or origin, too.  Extreme forboding.  After reading your take on how your Family Freud would go, I thought about who the villain would be for my family.  I was so surprised SWOT, to realize that, just as it was for you (and will probably turn out to be for you too Copa, if you do this exercise), the villain, the person the others unite against, was me.And I was so surprised.That is when I went through the cleaning and etc again and again and again.  How could this have been the outcome, that I would be villainized, when things in that household really were not very nice at all prior to my getting old enough to pitch in as I did.And they weren't very nice, or very decent when my other was home even after I did those nice things I did for them.  And that was a clear choice she made, and I see that, now.I never could put those pieces together, before.My mom victimized all of us horribly when we were too little to defend ourselves, and she continued, and continues, to victimize in the ways that she can, now.And it was never that if I'd tried harder or known better or been better, that none of these terrible things would have happened.  That never was true.  My mom was the mother; she created what she chose to create, in her mothering and she chooses that same kind of thing, now.And there was such contempt, SWOT and Copa, and such outright hatred.  And I never really saw it that way at all.One more time, I am so surprised.This is beautiful, and very true.I suppose that is what is happening for me, now.Who do they think they are?D H and I were discussing the possibility of pathologic hatred come of hatred focused at me because the true feelings for the real mother cannot be focused on the mother.D H was like, "Yeah!  That's it.  That's what I see.  You never would see it.  I am glad you see it, now."So, huh.I get this, SWOT.  I always would wonder, when I thought this way, what kind of person thinks such things about her own mother, about her own sister.My sister did that.You know what?  I don't know how they see us.  Our sisters, I mean.  There are times when I remember that people in pain will take out on you things they know the true focus of their pain would never hear or allow.  I always thought it was something like that going on.  But I like that concept of "no cheating" very much.I don't get to cheat myself anymore, either.I merit respect and honesty and loyalty.  If there are problems with the mother, she should be carrying them, not me.  That is a piece of why the family has to have a villain to unify against.  There has to be someone (your black sheep concept here, SWOT) everyone feels maybe a little less than around that, when all are unified against, each feels validated in their less than ness, reflecting to one another that if only the black sheep had never existed, they each would have lived the role the black sheep did live, for the family.There was much currency, in Copa's way of looking at the power dynamic in dysfunctional families, to be had from being a mother, or a sister or brother, to me.I am not just making that up, you guys.How strange.  I never looked at it that way before either, but this is very, very true, indeed.I just reread that paragraph about your sister and the calling the cops and the telling you secrets and wanting someone to love her enough to listen and advise.I think your sister may bear you a version of pathologic hatred too, SWOT.Isn't that the strangest thing, that these same kinds of patterns are playing out beneath the radar in each of our families.  Copa, for your sister too I think, though you would be the only one who could say for sure.But Copa, all the signs are there for you, too.Man, you two.  How did we even come out of this able to stand up, or think, or value ourselves in any way at all?I know!  What to hay?!?I am thinking this one over long and hard.  Of course we (I) could not ever feel the same about my mom or my sister, now that I have seen them naked.  And I think I really do believe that they do hate me, somehow.  That they mean it with all their hearts and cannot even see past it.  I believe it too, that they hate D H because he protects me, because he make me invulnerable to them.  They could not function without a focus for hatred.  (This happens around all forms of hatred, I think ~ racism; fanaticism of any kind.)And so they picked to focus on D H; if we had lost our marriage during this time, I would have been very vulnerable to them, indeed.WTF(This ~ WTF ~ is code for,  "I am so surprised.):O)Copa, are you here with us, this morning?Cedar</blockquote>

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