Is this the woundedness, or is it that our sisters are the same personality types as our abusers?
I agree now, that these people do trigger really crummy feelings, and that a piece of what it feels like to be near them ~ or even, to think about them at any depth ~ does trigger a kind of global emotional flashback feeling.
***
Forgiveness.
My mother abuses every one of her children to the degree she can, even now.
That ownership idea has been working around in my psyche lately. The idea that I am (or was) my mother's, and not my own.
Is this feeling normal, or is it an artifact of abuse?
At a child's level, I somehow functioned (as it sounds like you did too, Copa) as chief cook and bottle washer. As this happened to both of us, this must be part of the pattern, too. SWOT's mom was a mom at home...but I am wondering, SWOT, whether you were seen the same way. You were not encouraged to be your own, either. Long hair/appearance. Your mom was so verbally abusive in the way she taught you what mattered about you, SWOT. These are locus of control issues, too.
We must be getting very near the center, now.
Copa, if I may ask, did your mom work outside the home? Is that how it happened that you spent those early adolescent years functioning as cleaner and cook for your family?
***
"What fools are they that have not patience;
what wound did ever heal but by degrees?"
That is Shakespeare. I think that is an exact quote, but I didn't go look it up for us. So, it might be incorrect in a word or two but is great imagery for all of us, I think.
***
This ownership feeling has to do with my mother's justification of behavior she was fully aware was wrong.
The ownership feeling.
That I am hers and not my own. Locus of control, again.
***
So here is what seems to be happening, now.
As I come to see more and more from my own perspective, I am losing curiosity about the individuals in my FOO. That is a way to describe it, I think. It could be that denial about what they did and what they do, blind little gnomes servicing some evil engine to this day kept us tied into this ~ well, okay, SWOT ~ enmeshed.
Huh.
So I must be breaking free from enmeshment.
***
In my work, I saw many different kinds of families. Healthy families have...not compassion for one another but ~ I don't know. It must be that their boundaries are intact and so, there can be the possibility of respect for whatever the other person feels, instead of needing to fix it. There was a sense of protectiveness, too. When I think about my sister in this regard, I can imagine her crying forever. My brother, feeling badly and being strong.
Why bother being strong when a person could just be.
So Jabber's French king and parading Scotsmen sans kilts are appropriate imagery. The authority of the English king...those are the things I have always believed mattered. That there was a quest, and that happiness and completion were to be found at the end of it.
That is not going to work for us.
Freedom.
It was never my responsibility to bring our family together. That too, was my mother's responsibility. My response ~ valuing family when she did not ~ was a good thing. I am glad I did that.
But I am not my mother. I do not owe her anything more. I need to stop fighting them to create something I think is good.
It could be that they are very happy just as they are.
We will believe that, then.
I will read about enmeshment.
Good.
:O)
***
Our daughter and grands are here. Everyone is always wanting to eat and do things together and etc. We are doing so well. The little boys are fantastic, and have grown so much! Daughter is doing well. Baklava grand is doing well out in Oregon. Middle granddaughter will be here July 3rd. I will check in as I am able.
Please know I think of you both often, and with great fondness.
Cedar
