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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 624037" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>It was my good fortune to have almost lost my child twice that I knew it was a probable outcome and something like three other times when I knew about what had happened afterword. The first was when the bad man slammed her van into the rocks in an attempt to kill them both. We were contacted by Intensive Care. difficult child daughter was in Neuro Intensive because her head injuries were worse than the lacerated liver she also sustained.</p><p></p><p>It was one of those times when there is nothing. No solid ground.</p><p></p><p>There was still so much shame and anger, Child.</p><p></p><p>Confusion, shame, anger, hurt. Rage, oh, so much rage, at what she had done, and at what she had done to her own children. Guilt. I pretty much devoured myself alive over what I should have known, over what I should have done.</p><p></p><p>I still hate myself a little bit, for that.</p><p></p><p>And for the things I should have done the next time it was my turn at bat.</p><p></p><p>Then, she was beat. Over time. Until the male thought she was dead. Left for dead over the course of many hours, naked, in an unheated room. Why he did not kill her when he realized she was not dead...I don't know. Maybe he was coming down from some drug? Probably.</p><p></p><p>Anyway...even that time didn't touch that deep sense of betrayal and anger at the core of me. I don't know if it had been there so long that I wasn't aware of it, or...I knew I was angry, knew I wanted better for her.</p><p></p><p>I don't know.</p><p></p><p>Maybe because this last time, with the organ failure thing, I had time to anticipate her passing...all that rage I did not know I was carrying seemed so stupid. It just seemed like the biggest, most pointless waste.</p><p></p><p>And it melted away.</p><p></p><p>And I could hear my daughter's voice when I talked with her. I could laugh with her, again.</p><p></p><p>Nothing was that serious, when I thought I was losing her.</p><p></p><p>There weren't even any regrets.</p><p></p><p>Isn't that the strangest thing.</p><p></p><p>So it isn't a thing we approach and arrive at. It just happens, one day. It's like everyone is always saying.</p><p></p><p>We seem to wake up to what is real.</p><p></p><p>My daughter has made other bad decisions (according to my way of looking) since. But there are so many ways to see.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It does have everything to do with ego. Ego is not a badness. Ego is the way we survived to this point. It isn't like we're parading around pretending we know what to do, pretending we're bigger than everything. We are trying so desperately to make sense of the wrongness and the hurts that we form a new paradigm around the out of control badness that is hurting or killing or destroying our children. I don't know that it is that we are looking to control anything. In this physical world, we do have to eat. Our children do have to care for their children ~ or we have to. Someone has to be responsible. Those things are still true. What happens to us I think is that somewhere along the line, we lose track of the joy we once took in our kids.</p><p></p><p>That is what happened to me, I think.</p><p></p><p>I remembered the boundless joy of meeting and getting to know my kids.</p><p>Who could know something this nice would happen...to me?</p><p></p><p>It was there all the time, beneath the problems and the pain.</p><p></p><p>I think life itself might be like that.</p><p></p><p>It was there all the time, beneath the problems and the pain.</p><p></p><p>But in the real, everyday world where groceries must be bought and food cooked and clothing worn and washed...it is so easy to get wrapped up in all that. I mean, that is important, too. </p><p></p><p>Sometimes, we forget to remember why we do what we do.</p><p></p><p>Cheesh, I sound kind of dorky this morning. </p><p></p><p>Okay, so sometimes, beneath the blah, blah, blah of the everyday...Cedar <u>is</u> kind of dorky.</p><p></p><p>Again.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 624037, member: 17461"] It was my good fortune to have almost lost my child twice that I knew it was a probable outcome and something like three other times when I knew about what had happened afterword. The first was when the bad man slammed her van into the rocks in an attempt to kill them both. We were contacted by Intensive Care. difficult child daughter was in Neuro Intensive because her head injuries were worse than the lacerated liver she also sustained. It was one of those times when there is nothing. No solid ground. There was still so much shame and anger, Child. Confusion, shame, anger, hurt. Rage, oh, so much rage, at what she had done, and at what she had done to her own children. Guilt. I pretty much devoured myself alive over what I should have known, over what I should have done. I still hate myself a little bit, for that. And for the things I should have done the next time it was my turn at bat. Then, she was beat. Over time. Until the male thought she was dead. Left for dead over the course of many hours, naked, in an unheated room. Why he did not kill her when he realized she was not dead...I don't know. Maybe he was coming down from some drug? Probably. Anyway...even that time didn't touch that deep sense of betrayal and anger at the core of me. I don't know if it had been there so long that I wasn't aware of it, or...I knew I was angry, knew I wanted better for her. I don't know. Maybe because this last time, with the organ failure thing, I had time to anticipate her passing...all that rage I did not know I was carrying seemed so stupid. It just seemed like the biggest, most pointless waste. And it melted away. And I could hear my daughter's voice when I talked with her. I could laugh with her, again. Nothing was that serious, when I thought I was losing her. There weren't even any regrets. Isn't that the strangest thing. So it isn't a thing we approach and arrive at. It just happens, one day. It's like everyone is always saying. We seem to wake up to what is real. My daughter has made other bad decisions (according to my way of looking) since. But there are so many ways to see. It does have everything to do with ego. Ego is not a badness. Ego is the way we survived to this point. It isn't like we're parading around pretending we know what to do, pretending we're bigger than everything. We are trying so desperately to make sense of the wrongness and the hurts that we form a new paradigm around the out of control badness that is hurting or killing or destroying our children. I don't know that it is that we are looking to control anything. In this physical world, we do have to eat. Our children do have to care for their children ~ or we have to. Someone has to be responsible. Those things are still true. What happens to us I think is that somewhere along the line, we lose track of the joy we once took in our kids. That is what happened to me, I think. I remembered the boundless joy of meeting and getting to know my kids. Who could know something this nice would happen...to me? It was there all the time, beneath the problems and the pain. I think life itself might be like that. It was there all the time, beneath the problems and the pain. But in the real, everyday world where groceries must be bought and food cooked and clothing worn and washed...it is so easy to get wrapped up in all that. I mean, that is important, too. Sometimes, we forget to remember why we do what we do. Cheesh, I sound kind of dorky this morning. Okay, so sometimes, beneath the blah, blah, blah of the everyday...Cedar [U]is[/U] kind of dorky. Again. :O) Cedar [/QUOTE]
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