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Homeless son's e-mail excerpt
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 748962" data-attributes="member: 15801"><p>I think the part about using both your heart and head makes a whole lot of sense. Our heartstrings get pulled and then the drama and manipulation tends to work.... and yet my heart tells me that my son needs to know he is loved. My head helps me put things in perspective and see the manipulation for what it is...and it does help me keep my distance. But if I only followed my head I probably wouldnt even have a relationship with my son because I wouldnt put up with all this baloney from anyone else. So we need both our heart and head.</p><p></p><p>I think what works for me when I do it is to process this in 3 steps. First let myself have my feelings which often means feeling his desperation, depression, anxiety or whatever. I cant go here for very long but I do feel his feelings so I need to allow it for a bit. And then second take a look with my head at the situation....from more of a distance at the realities of the situation. See the manipulation and drama for what it is. And then having done that figure out what I feel comfortable doing or not doing. What is best for me and my own sense of well being and mental health.</p><p></p><p>I recently had a middle of the night phone call needing something and it woke me up and I just reacted and did what he wanted. Afterwards when my head kicked in I realized I had totally enabled him and it was totally unnecessary for me to do that. It reminded myself that when my son asks for something I need to give myself time to think with my head, and not just my heart.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 748962, member: 15801"] I think the part about using both your heart and head makes a whole lot of sense. Our heartstrings get pulled and then the drama and manipulation tends to work.... and yet my heart tells me that my son needs to know he is loved. My head helps me put things in perspective and see the manipulation for what it is...and it does help me keep my distance. But if I only followed my head I probably wouldnt even have a relationship with my son because I wouldnt put up with all this baloney from anyone else. So we need both our heart and head. I think what works for me when I do it is to process this in 3 steps. First let myself have my feelings which often means feeling his desperation, depression, anxiety or whatever. I cant go here for very long but I do feel his feelings so I need to allow it for a bit. And then second take a look with my head at the situation....from more of a distance at the realities of the situation. See the manipulation and drama for what it is. And then having done that figure out what I feel comfortable doing or not doing. What is best for me and my own sense of well being and mental health. I recently had a middle of the night phone call needing something and it woke me up and I just reacted and did what he wanted. Afterwards when my head kicked in I realized I had totally enabled him and it was totally unnecessary for me to do that. It reminded myself that when my son asks for something I need to give myself time to think with my head, and not just my heart. [/QUOTE]
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