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Horrible and scary weekend
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 336356" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Kjs, you're always looking to other people to guide what you do. I don't mean us, I mean husband, difficult child, easy child. It's time you grabbed back the confidence in yourself that has been so badly undermined, and take it back.</p><p></p><p>You argue with husband because he is sapping your confidence and you want to take it back. But that's not how it works. YOu take back your confidence by simply not buying into the hurtful things husband says. Just refuse to own it. And you don't refuse, by shouting, I" REFUSE!" You refuse, by ignoring it. The most you can do is say, out of earshot of the kids, "When you talk to me like that in front of the kids it damages them. Do not do it."</p><p></p><p>difficult child has problems. Of course. Bipolar? I don't know, you know I have my own views but I'm not there. You are.</p><p></p><p>But difficult child's problems are being greatly escalated by husband's inability to parent with you as a team. His inability to support you (which is a long-term thing, I've been following your posts since you joined because I feel an affinity for you and your son). </p><p></p><p>YOu can't help difficult child while your relationship with husband is on the terms that it is. You have to fix both, or at least make it clear that whatever is going on with husband is not able to upset the applecart with difficult child.</p><p></p><p>Kids hear parents fighting, they blame themselves. I know if difficult child 3 were in a warring household as you describe, we would see the same sort of behaviour from him. Never underestimate the extreme damage this sort of conflict can do, to a kid like tis. They are far more fragile and far more inclined to take personal responsibility for parental conflict, than other kids. And crikey, that is really saying something.</p><p></p><p>My eldest nephew, a easy child, took personal responsibility when his parents' marriage broke up. They had been fighting since they married, there is no way it was his fault. I told him, if it hadn't been for him and his siblings, there would have been a lot more conflict. Sometimes marriages just end and it is nobody's fault. It is never the child's fault.</p><p></p><p>He is now a difficult child - the accumulated life stresses and need to always take personal responsibility finally took its toll in a profession which should have given him psychological support but failed to. In him now, I see the seeds sown by a father who was a control freak, passive aggressive in a marriage that desperately needed intervention but didn't get it. Both my sister and her ex have to take responsibility for that - one or other should have accepted counselling and been prepared to follow through on decisions made. My nephew is now a recluse and agoraphobic, never able to work again. I'm not saying that your son is headed the same way - of course not. I'm only showing the extent to which a easy child can come unstuck because of the personal responsibility they can feel, in keeping their parents together. Multiply that a hundred-fold for a difficult child and you can perhaps understand why your difficult child is such a mess right now.</p><p></p><p>He needs intervention, and no parent is enough in this situation. </p><p></p><p>Someone has to be the hero here. Don't ask your son if he will go to the hospital with you - just go. if he throws that size tanty in the ER, then GREAT! But you have to be the hero. It's for sure your husband doesn't know how to. It's easier to point the finger. But point scoring is not helping your son. it's achieving exactly zero. Less than zero, because all previous progress gets badly undermined.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 336356, member: 1991"] Kjs, you're always looking to other people to guide what you do. I don't mean us, I mean husband, difficult child, easy child. It's time you grabbed back the confidence in yourself that has been so badly undermined, and take it back. You argue with husband because he is sapping your confidence and you want to take it back. But that's not how it works. YOu take back your confidence by simply not buying into the hurtful things husband says. Just refuse to own it. And you don't refuse, by shouting, I" REFUSE!" You refuse, by ignoring it. The most you can do is say, out of earshot of the kids, "When you talk to me like that in front of the kids it damages them. Do not do it." difficult child has problems. Of course. Bipolar? I don't know, you know I have my own views but I'm not there. You are. But difficult child's problems are being greatly escalated by husband's inability to parent with you as a team. His inability to support you (which is a long-term thing, I've been following your posts since you joined because I feel an affinity for you and your son). YOu can't help difficult child while your relationship with husband is on the terms that it is. You have to fix both, or at least make it clear that whatever is going on with husband is not able to upset the applecart with difficult child. Kids hear parents fighting, they blame themselves. I know if difficult child 3 were in a warring household as you describe, we would see the same sort of behaviour from him. Never underestimate the extreme damage this sort of conflict can do, to a kid like tis. They are far more fragile and far more inclined to take personal responsibility for parental conflict, than other kids. And crikey, that is really saying something. My eldest nephew, a easy child, took personal responsibility when his parents' marriage broke up. They had been fighting since they married, there is no way it was his fault. I told him, if it hadn't been for him and his siblings, there would have been a lot more conflict. Sometimes marriages just end and it is nobody's fault. It is never the child's fault. He is now a difficult child - the accumulated life stresses and need to always take personal responsibility finally took its toll in a profession which should have given him psychological support but failed to. In him now, I see the seeds sown by a father who was a control freak, passive aggressive in a marriage that desperately needed intervention but didn't get it. Both my sister and her ex have to take responsibility for that - one or other should have accepted counselling and been prepared to follow through on decisions made. My nephew is now a recluse and agoraphobic, never able to work again. I'm not saying that your son is headed the same way - of course not. I'm only showing the extent to which a easy child can come unstuck because of the personal responsibility they can feel, in keeping their parents together. Multiply that a hundred-fold for a difficult child and you can perhaps understand why your difficult child is such a mess right now. He needs intervention, and no parent is enough in this situation. Someone has to be the hero here. Don't ask your son if he will go to the hospital with you - just go. if he throws that size tanty in the ER, then GREAT! But you have to be the hero. It's for sure your husband doesn't know how to. It's easier to point the finger. But point scoring is not helping your son. it's achieving exactly zero. Less than zero, because all previous progress gets badly undermined. Marg [/QUOTE]
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