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How Can He Ignore This
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 280750" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Even if you are not a battered wife afraid of your husband, if you are even considering leaving eventually, then plan your exit NOW. I watched an episode of Oprah where a woman descriibed how she survived her husband's attempts to kill her, a big part of it was her exit plan.</p><p></p><p>In your situaiton, it is difficult child I would be afraid of, even if he wants you gone (because you're wise to him) he would still want to show you that you can't do anything without him "giving you permission". If he finds out and wants to stop you from leaving, he will do it, I suspect, just to show you that he is in control.</p><p></p><p>The exit plan - you stash copies of paperwork (bank statement copies, insurance/registration/social security copies) away from your home. Have a bag packed with essentials, spare cash etc. Have stuff packed for the kids also. But have the stuff away from home, away from anywhere that difficult child or husband is likely to find it. Don't leave it in your car. At work is a good idea, or at a friend's place (providing it is somewhere that husband or difficult child don't visit). Hopefully you will never need this level of safeguard, but simply knowing you're working towards this could help you feel you're gaining back some level of control.</p><p></p><p>At the same time you can keep tabs on where you could live in the short-term as well as medium to long term. Maybe for the first few days a friend will put you up. Plan things like school (thankfully, the new school year is a little way away, it buys you time). Work out your schedule.</p><p></p><p>It's easy to say, "Get out now." But too often if you leave hastily, leaving behind stuff you should have taken with you but in your impulse, you forgot - then you are VERY likely to go back, often because you have to.</p><p></p><p>That's why if you can plan, and get your stuff together carefully and safely, you have a much greater chance of eventual success. But you do need to do it quietly, secretly, safely, to avoid being sabotaged. And sabotage can come from surprising places. A woman who split up form her verbally abusive boyfriend and who was beginning to get her life back together, was invited to her girlfriend's place for a chick chat and coffee. But when she got there, she found her ex-boyfriend waiting there for her "to talk" and girlfriend looking smug and helpful. Girlfriend went out and left them alone, with the result that they got back together. The woman has now been married unhappily for 25 years, it's been a struggle. She never would have expected her friend to do tihs; friend had listened to a lot of tirades about the ex, had been sympathetic and supported her in the break-up. It's highly likely that girlfriend's motive in setting up the meeting, was she got sweet-talked into it by the ex and girlfriend was probably thinking to herself, "I'll do what he wants and set up the meeting but I'm sure it won't work; when it doesn't work, he will be grateful to me and I can comfort him, he will be mine. He will have to admit that he gave it a good try but she has moved on." But it didn't work (if that was her motive) - and neither of them is now talking to this woman. She lost both of them as friends.</p><p></p><p>So be careful who you trust. You need a good friend in this, just make sure ahead of time that they are strong enough to withstand questioning, will keep your secrets in the face of keen interrogation and will be your go-between if necessary. It can be a lot to ask a friend but if you look, chances are you'll find someone.</p><p></p><p>There's probably nothing wrong with husband being aware of your plans, except that I doubt he can keep secrets from difficult child, and that (I suspect) would not be good, if he found out.</p><p></p><p>It's a difficult call for you to have to make.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 280750, member: 1991"] Even if you are not a battered wife afraid of your husband, if you are even considering leaving eventually, then plan your exit NOW. I watched an episode of Oprah where a woman descriibed how she survived her husband's attempts to kill her, a big part of it was her exit plan. In your situaiton, it is difficult child I would be afraid of, even if he wants you gone (because you're wise to him) he would still want to show you that you can't do anything without him "giving you permission". If he finds out and wants to stop you from leaving, he will do it, I suspect, just to show you that he is in control. The exit plan - you stash copies of paperwork (bank statement copies, insurance/registration/social security copies) away from your home. Have a bag packed with essentials, spare cash etc. Have stuff packed for the kids also. But have the stuff away from home, away from anywhere that difficult child or husband is likely to find it. Don't leave it in your car. At work is a good idea, or at a friend's place (providing it is somewhere that husband or difficult child don't visit). Hopefully you will never need this level of safeguard, but simply knowing you're working towards this could help you feel you're gaining back some level of control. At the same time you can keep tabs on where you could live in the short-term as well as medium to long term. Maybe for the first few days a friend will put you up. Plan things like school (thankfully, the new school year is a little way away, it buys you time). Work out your schedule. It's easy to say, "Get out now." But too often if you leave hastily, leaving behind stuff you should have taken with you but in your impulse, you forgot - then you are VERY likely to go back, often because you have to. That's why if you can plan, and get your stuff together carefully and safely, you have a much greater chance of eventual success. But you do need to do it quietly, secretly, safely, to avoid being sabotaged. And sabotage can come from surprising places. A woman who split up form her verbally abusive boyfriend and who was beginning to get her life back together, was invited to her girlfriend's place for a chick chat and coffee. But when she got there, she found her ex-boyfriend waiting there for her "to talk" and girlfriend looking smug and helpful. Girlfriend went out and left them alone, with the result that they got back together. The woman has now been married unhappily for 25 years, it's been a struggle. She never would have expected her friend to do tihs; friend had listened to a lot of tirades about the ex, had been sympathetic and supported her in the break-up. It's highly likely that girlfriend's motive in setting up the meeting, was she got sweet-talked into it by the ex and girlfriend was probably thinking to herself, "I'll do what he wants and set up the meeting but I'm sure it won't work; when it doesn't work, he will be grateful to me and I can comfort him, he will be mine. He will have to admit that he gave it a good try but she has moved on." But it didn't work (if that was her motive) - and neither of them is now talking to this woman. She lost both of them as friends. So be careful who you trust. You need a good friend in this, just make sure ahead of time that they are strong enough to withstand questioning, will keep your secrets in the face of keen interrogation and will be your go-between if necessary. It can be a lot to ask a friend but if you look, chances are you'll find someone. There's probably nothing wrong with husband being aware of your plans, except that I doubt he can keep secrets from difficult child, and that (I suspect) would not be good, if he found out. It's a difficult call for you to have to make. Marg [/QUOTE]
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