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How can l stop feeling sorry for my 21 year old??
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 764850" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Gafese,</p><p>Welcome to CD, I’m sorry for your need to be here and for your aching Mommas heart. It is a good place to come and sort through the challenges that we face with wayward adult children. Lord knows we did not expect to be at this place, but here we are. </p><p></p><p>You have had skin in the game for a while now, similar to my two who went off the rails starting in middle school. I think we dive deep into the muck of it when they are younger, trying with all our might to stop the impending train wreck, it becomes habitual, routine. We love them and want the best for them, before we know it, they become adults. Legally, that is. As adults, they will continue to do as they choose and we don’t have a say in those choices. So, we are left with that routine of trying to steer them on the right track, but we have no control over their decisions and direction. It’s not easy to break that routine and see clearly what is happening to us, emotionally, physically and financially. We are so focused on them, that we lose ourselves. </p><p></p><p>That’s a lot of money. He tells you he’s going to not abide by his probation and you have set a boundary. That’s a start Gafese. Now the trick is to follow through for your sake and his. If he doesn’t face consequences, how will he learn? As for fearing his future, that is part of that old routine that we get stuck in. We become so entangled with our adult kids choices, so focused on the “what ifs” we go down the rabbit hole with them. That’s no good for them, or us. They will do what they want, no matter how it affects us. </p><p></p><p></p><p>That’s another huge loss for you, Gafese, your relationship. </p><p>I agree with the others who wrote about getting help for yourself. The first step is to realize that you have a problem with following through with boundaries. That’s a big step. Getting help through therapy, books, writing, is essential to our own recovery. All of us at one point in this journey have abandoned ourselves in desperation to try to save our adult children. As if sacrificing our lives, relationships, finances, emotional and physical health, time, will make a difference.</p><p> It won’t. </p><p>Our adult kids will still choose as they do. We have absolutely no control over that.</p><p>Learning to switch focus back to what we can control, our response, ourselves, is a big ongoing part of living with the reality of wayward adult children. </p><p>We have to learn to love ourselves enough to let go. Self love is not selfish, it is paramount to our well being. It is what we wish most for our kids, that they will love themselves enough to make better choices. Our love and self sacrifice won’t save them, but we can show them how to live by our example, rising up from desperation to setting healthy boundaries and keeping them. That first no is not easy. But love says no. No I will not allow you to walk all over me and take advantage of me. </p><p>Saying no to yourself is important too. No, I will not go down the rabbit hole worrying about my son.</p><p>You have value and a future ahead of you. The best thing you can do for yourself and your son is to live. Live well. Set boundaries. </p><p>You can do it. It takes work, but you are so worth the effort. </p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>New Leaf</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 764850, member: 19522"] Hi Gafese, Welcome to CD, I’m sorry for your need to be here and for your aching Mommas heart. It is a good place to come and sort through the challenges that we face with wayward adult children. Lord knows we did not expect to be at this place, but here we are. You have had skin in the game for a while now, similar to my two who went off the rails starting in middle school. I think we dive deep into the muck of it when they are younger, trying with all our might to stop the impending train wreck, it becomes habitual, routine. We love them and want the best for them, before we know it, they become adults. Legally, that is. As adults, they will continue to do as they choose and we don’t have a say in those choices. So, we are left with that routine of trying to steer them on the right track, but we have no control over their decisions and direction. It’s not easy to break that routine and see clearly what is happening to us, emotionally, physically and financially. We are so focused on them, that we lose ourselves. That’s a lot of money. He tells you he’s going to not abide by his probation and you have set a boundary. That’s a start Gafese. Now the trick is to follow through for your sake and his. If he doesn’t face consequences, how will he learn? As for fearing his future, that is part of that old routine that we get stuck in. We become so entangled with our adult kids choices, so focused on the “what ifs” we go down the rabbit hole with them. That’s no good for them, or us. They will do what they want, no matter how it affects us. That’s another huge loss for you, Gafese, your relationship. I agree with the others who wrote about getting help for yourself. The first step is to realize that you have a problem with following through with boundaries. That’s a big step. Getting help through therapy, books, writing, is essential to our own recovery. All of us at one point in this journey have abandoned ourselves in desperation to try to save our adult children. As if sacrificing our lives, relationships, finances, emotional and physical health, time, will make a difference. It won’t. Our adult kids will still choose as they do. We have absolutely no control over that. Learning to switch focus back to what we can control, our response, ourselves, is a big ongoing part of living with the reality of wayward adult children. We have to learn to love ourselves enough to let go. Self love is not selfish, it is paramount to our well being. It is what we wish most for our kids, that they will love themselves enough to make better choices. Our love and self sacrifice won’t save them, but we can show them how to live by our example, rising up from desperation to setting healthy boundaries and keeping them. That first no is not easy. But love says no. No I will not allow you to walk all over me and take advantage of me. Saying no to yourself is important too. No, I will not go down the rabbit hole worrying about my son. You have value and a future ahead of you. The best thing you can do for yourself and your son is to live. Live well. Set boundaries. You can do it. It takes work, but you are so worth the effort. (((Hugs))) New Leaf [/QUOTE]
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How can l stop feeling sorry for my 21 year old??
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